It has been a while since I sat behind a computer and actually got more than 5 minutes on it since I got back to South Africa, grabbing quick moments on my mother’s laptop while she jets around in her wheelchair. So much and yet so little has happened since I got back but before I get a head of myself let me just say that the flight homewards was one of the hardest I have ever been on, the solitude a magnitude…

After realising the extent that I had overstayed in England it was hard to leave knowing it will never be the same, everything once again being up in the air with waiting to hear about my Ireland interviews and then more visa’s. Sitting on the plane, not for one minute did I feel excitement about going home… sounds harsh I know but the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was going to see my best friend/soul sister when I got home. I have mentioned her before and she is one of the biggest treasures that fate has put in my path on life’s journey, a GGG with a golden heart, one that I hold closer to my heart than most, she is one of the only people on this planet that I trust explicitly.

Landing in Cape Town, seeing that big mountain that tourists love and locals covert I felt my heart sink to my toes… I was back in the country I didn’t like, a country where electricity is a rare thing and crime the national sport, back to the country that holds my past in tight grips, back to the uncertainty of once again not knowing where I stand, which road I will follow in the journey of life. As I walk in to my mother’s house she hands me clippings of my friend Lee’s death, letters and funeral pamphlets that they dealt out at the church, my heart grew painfully heavy… am seeing his mother tomorrow and wracking my brain for what to say to her, there are no right words to console her in her loss…

My family has a strange make up… My mother’s partner has a big heart but he is also loud and aggressive by nature, my mother has just had a major opperation and is now limited to a wheelchair… once normally permanently on the go now stuck in the seated position frustrated out of her mind needing to be waitered on hand and foot much to her disgust… and so I do all of the housework under her watchfull eye, I try and help where ever I can and yes I do it with a real smile because I know her frustration well but also want to pull my weight. I had once thought that after everything that has happened that I was now welcome in my mother’s home, that I would never not be again and that things had changed… I was terribly wrong… My elder brother, his wife and two kids came to visit the past sunday and he told me that I had to come and stay with him as soon as possible that I could not possibly stay with my mother… and so he proceeded to tell me that my mother’s partner told him that he is getting fed up with the extra work of having me around… then my sister-in-law came out and told me that my mother was getting frustrated because neither her partner or I could do the things the way she wanted them… so now I come to the conclusion there must be something seriously wrong with me for this to be such a recurring nightmare. Needless to say I have decided that once the decision comes through from Ireland I will not live with anyone again, I will not stay with anyone nor will I accept their charity – I will be fully independent – know it might sound harsh but should I be in an area near them I’d rather stay in a hotel than made to feel unwelcome as I have done… this is a life long theme not a new one to me if you remember.

Anyways I still don’t know about Ireland they have said that they love me to bits but now are researching the visa options regarding which country would be best etc so its still holding thumbs time and still hoping against all hopes time as always… as have the last 6 months been.

Know it doesn’t sound like it but I am positive and refuse to let this nonsense get me down, my life’s journey may be unknown to me at this time but I do know that it will be good, that things always work out in the end and that everything does indeed happen for a reason… dilusional? Nah just insane and I enjoy being insane lol

Thanks again for all your support it really has helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life… mega stars and plenty GGG’s!

A wondering ramble by a lost soul