I’m done starving my soul, how about you?

Over the last couple of weeks or months I’ve been going through a transformation, one that I had hoped and prayed for but didn’t quite know where to start. The average person always thought I was calm, that under any situation they could come to me for advice and I was always willing to help them with unquestioning judgemental ears, nothing flinched me, I never cried, I was always just fine.

Our outward appearance can be far far different to the one inside. I never spoke to people about myself, I always turned it round to them, ask me a question that is below the surface or around a wall you will get a question back. By doing that I managed to maintain that mask firmly in place, well with most people anyway. Those that could see through me, there were not many of those at all till recently that is.

Through the last couple of years I often revisit my instincts, I often question my actions as to why I do them, why I react in a certain way or why I react to a certain action. Unlearning my survival instinct that I lived with for so many years, my outward calm was one of those instincts, for decades now it has been a mask, a mask to myself and one to the world. Why? To protect myself, to protect those that hurt me, to protect the world from my emotions and thoughts, my feelings.

Me, calm? In reality I never was but I made myself and everyone believe I was. A constant set of voices in my head babbling everyday, peoples thoughts that they had shared with me, memories and other inconsequential noise all polluting my soul. I never knew how to calm it though, I kind of always just thought that’s the way its going to be and just tried to accept it often pulling the wool over my eyes to the fact that the internal chaos existed at all. Often I think of it as children who put their hands over their eyes thinking that by doing that you can’t see them but in reality they are still there, in full view.

I first only recognised the voices when one day walking into the therapists office she asked me how my day was and I’d just said “well today I have three personalities, yesterday four and the day before two”. Needless to say we both burst out laughing but the mere fact that I had recognised it was the start of the journey till now. The truth is, what I have realised (possibly late in the game of life) is that sometimes our internal dialogue in our brains can distract us from what our hearts have to say, from what our souls are telling us, they distract us from our real needs and in turn can drive us crazy, run our bodies down and eventually our spirits.

So mask firmly in place it was a shock to hear someone tell me one day straight, to tell me to calm down when I had the mask up, by all outward appearances I was. It stopped me in my tracks, when they said those words and repeated them to me I slowly realised that this person was right, in the purest sense. I knew that I needed to breathe and try to put a stop to the constant babble in my head. Since then it has been kind of an evolution of sorts, one I hope that never ends. Forcing myself to learn inward calm, forcing myself to listen and to understand what my soul has to say, listening to the right voices and accepting the truths that they have to say, growing from them and learning.

My soul has told me many things since then, since I started actually listening to what it had to say, I can never thank that person who stopped me in my tracks, guided me to where I am now, there are words that can not explain this new feeling within me, one that is not all over the place like spaghetti. Since I’ve started consciously calming my mind its slowly becoming subconscious, it feels as if it is an awakening within me that is purer than pure.

An odd thing to share, perhaps not… so often we are too busy not listening that we don’t hear what we need to hear, we go on our own crusades only to dream of something more real and true. What we crave is the one thing that we don’t allow ourselves to have, peace within, love for ourselves or self respect. If our body is thirsty we go to the fridge and get a glass of something to quench it and yet when our soul is hungry we starve it, why? Have been asking myself this and will continue till I start feeding it properly, I’m ready to feed mine, poor thing is almost anorexic!

I think this song is sung by someone whom I am not fond of merely for the fact that he put his marriage on TV, its words though are amazing to me and I have listened to so much over the last couple of weeks. For me it is about giving up that stubborn control, the one where we hang on to things even when we know they are bad. For me this song has a far greater meaning, its about waking up one day and going “I don’t want to be stuck in a spiritual rut my whole life, I want to grow, I crave it like a new dawn, I want to be able to stand still and be still not have a constant train station in my head, I want to be the true me, I want the voices of my soul to speak through my mouth”

The only way I can ever repay or thank the person who stopped me in my tracks is by sharing and as I grow I hope that one day I might do the same for someone else, this is my greatest wish in the whole world, like a craving within me.

Thank you to each and everyone of you for helping me along this journey to my soul, for your support and your blogs, each one of you has helped me in the most amazing ways for which I could never repay…

This song is to my soul…

Watched my life pass me by
in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don’t wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes - yeah

Cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin
to find a place I’ve never been
Now I’m broken, and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
what’s left of me.

I’ve been dying inside
little by little
Nowhere to go
I’m goin outta my mind
An endless circle
runnin from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin
to find the place I’ve never been
Now I’m broken, and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
what’s left of me.

Fallin’ faster
barely breathing
Give me somethin to believe in
Tell me it’s not all in my head

Take what’s left of this man
Make me whole once again

Cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
Like a hunger, like a burnin
to find the place I’ve never been
Now I’m broken, and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
You can have, all that’s left, (yeah, yeah, yeah) what’s left of me

I’ve been dying inside you see
I’m goin outta my mind (outta my mind)
I’m just runnin’ in circles all the time

Will you take what’s left? — of me

I’m just runnin’ in circles in my mind

Will you take what’s left? — of me

Take what’s left of me