There is something to be said about the nether regions of the canine species.  For some reason they are able to emit the biggest variety of odours known to mankind.  

Yesterday I got ready and put a guided meditation CD in to the “box” and let the intro calm me.  My eyes closed I started to follow the breathing, slowly, in, out, in, out. 

With each breath I went deeper into the calmative state.  I was relaxed and the monkey mind was finally becoming still once more.  Then it hit me, the sweet fruity stench of dog fart. Yes, you read that right, I am talking dog fart.

The meditation CD had put once sitting pooch into a horizontal position with four paws to the air and butt pointed in my direction.  At this point in time I gave the meditation disc kudos, I was unaware that dogs could meditate as well. 

Just as I was thinking these profound thoughts on meditating pets a slow rumble started once more from the nether regions of pooch.  Once more the stench hit me between the eyes causing me to do a double take. *note to self do NOT feed pooch that food again*.  My calm was slipping.

How do you breathe deep breaths with dog fart in the air?  I tried to move pooch so that his nether’s pointed in a more polite direction but he wasn’t budging.  It seemed he was still in a very deep meditative state totally unaware of the sense chaos he had and was causing! I finally gave up and that was when he started talking.

I am not kidding

There he lay king farter of all farty pooches talking and using whole words. Yes it wasn’t barks or those moaning noises they sometimes make, these were definitive “words” and no it was not English, it was poochlish.

I digress

Meditating dog not to be disturbed, or rather unable to be disturbed, it is time for me to try once more, after all the air had started to clear from his atom bombs. 

I restart the CD, get into position and close my eyes. Just as I take the first guided breathe a volcanic explosion of gas proportions lets rip from peaceful “I meditate” pooch passed out on the floor.  Now admittedly the the last thing I had at this point was zen for it seemed he’d saved that one up just for me.

Enough was enough, I started to wrack my brains.  First thoughts were wine stoppers as a plug, then I thought no, wait, you can’t do that to a dog in fear of it suffering from gas poisoning.  Second option was to hire a crane and get it transported outside where it could fumigate the daffodils.  Apparently it was a busy day and no cranes were for hire. Option three, find mask to put over mouth and nose that will prevent one said pooch stench from reaching the flavour buds.

Option 3 it was, I got out the face mask (each household should at least have one of) and got back into position.  Now I was ready, pooches farts weren’t gonna bring me down, no, I was going to meditate and that was it.

What I have learned/realised:

• My sense of smell surpasses my sense of hearing.  Once I switched off the nose I did not hear the gas explosions only felt their vibrations.
• Always keep a gas mask close by when you either own a male or a dog
• Dogs can meditate
• They can mediate better than me with my monkey mind
• Their grasp of poochlish while in a meditative state is very advanced.
• The stench of a pooch fart can stick to your clothes, your hair, everything.
• It is possible for your nose hairs to be singed by aroma’s

Moral of the story?

Don’t meditate with your dog unless you have a face mask on or at the very least one close by.