Short Mini’s and buses

Ok I know my normal “limit” is one joke a day but I haven’t been able to stop laughing for the last half an hour so just had to share this one that I received from a very “innocent” friend… OMG my tummy hurts! (ok perhaps it is because it is so something that would happen to me!)

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

I love that Pig!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG gross)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) …… (I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

(I just love that pig….!)

Satan’s taunt

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said ‘Don’t you know who I am?’

‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?’

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute.’

‘Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??’

‘Yep’, was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid??’ asked Satan.

‘Nope.’

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied……

‘Been married to your sister for 68 years

Big Bruffa DM Chimpin’ around

Ok so while I was busy flipping through the family albums looking for photos of Joy and Deeps I came across a few (just a few) of DM.

(above left) As you can see our big brother was a cutie pie right from birth, sources close to him tell me that he still is in the habit of putting his index finger into his mouth when he wants somethink… (above right) Ahhh the teenage years of misspent youth, not happy with just using a fishing rod, nooo DM had to try spear fishing with fish no bigger than your thumb. Between you and me though he got quite good at (please don’t tell him you know, please I beg you)

(left) Yip, that’s him all smarted out and driving away from the traffic officer he didn’t knock over having passed his driver’s test. Yes it is believed that he bribed them with a crate of Amber’s chocolate dipped strawberries… need I say more?

(above left) Our man the wiz kid, yers he is well known amongst humans as the smartest chimp alive, at one stage he even appeared on TV. Here he is battling it out with a 9 year old sample human - of course he won don’t be silly, sheesh it was against a sample!!! (above right) Yes, then all hell broke loose, the sample human he played chess against had a human father and an adopted daughter who he just happened to eye.

(above left) They were soon seen having royal tea parties and chimpin’ around like two kids in a zoo (very well behaved of course) … After that first tea supervised tea party though it was tickets for young DM, he was soon found lying under the summer sun, grass out of his mouth singing renditions of a certain love song… He can be seen singing on the left of sister Joy on the right (yes that is lipstick you see there) Below is a cover version recently done by some or other female chimp.

(above left) This boy had his priorities straight and soon as they could they got hitched at a small chapel. This photo I managed to get off one of my paparazzi sources who snapped this one of them holding hands while on honeymoon, awws don’t they look cutes! (notice his toes, yes I to suspect one to many pina-cool-aids) (above right) Yip and all in the space of just a few years… I am the proud Aunty of 6!

(above left) Kids all produced DM and wifey decided to start a B&B in the country side taking in all sorts of wonderful people including rock stars and the likes there of. Yes, don’t be fooled by that innocent face, seen above right, he is quite the party animaaaal.

(above left) Ahhh with age our big bruffa has finally started to settle down (well he tries to make us think that in any case) and is now often seen walking his monster dog through the fields of Iowa (not Jima)… and yes he has been approached many times to model those dungarees sadly has declined due to his distaste of the media. Instead he purcharsed a pet pig called Winston and what with the high increase in fuel costs is now often seen catchin’ a wild ride into town.

That’s it folks, our brother DM, chimped with all smiles… the juice if you will. I now fear retribution and am still officially in hiding from the recent death threats received by sister Joy (*shivers*)

*hands out cookies*

BTW I am not only one to blame… just in case you thought I wasn’t my usual innocent self…

Brilliant Quotes!

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S
relativity.

- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.

- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s
there to appreciate it.

- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don’t like?

- Jean Cochran

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.

- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The low down on Joy

It has come to my attention that some of you may not know Joy so I thought I’d share with you some photos that I managed to get off various sources (can’t divulge they will keeeeel me).

I hold no responsibility, this is more for public security than anything else.

(Above) Joy can be seen sporting a beautiful dress, they went to the circus for the day, that innocent look? Oh, that was both the start and the end of it…

(Above) The big 10, there is only one candle showing because (well it is suspected) that she ate all the others. She was so quick no one knows what happened to them… we just continue to wonder… Alas just after this here photo was taken the cake landed up in my face - I am still planning serial payback in her direction!!!

(Above) Teenage years? She wasn’t seen much during the day, as you can see here sister Deeps snapped this sneaky photo of her passed out in the tree 3 miles from home…

(Above) Yeah, that’s her smoking, shocking really I know. She blames me as the bad influence, why I just don’t know!

(Above) Here she is posing for some or other ‘elo guy - this painting now hangs in the Tate Museum in London and has thousands upon thousands of people leaving flowers and chocolates in her honour (I am sooo proud of her phew)

(Above) The model years were a blast, perhaps you remember this one of her, it was on the cover of Vogue and the saucy Cosmopolitan

Ok so model years over (they chucked her out because she was complaining about the bananas that were off … yeah Naomi Campbell style I tell you!!!) Anyway’s, here she can be seen in the middle (Above) singing the Lord its Hard to Be Humble.

Since those years there have been many cover versions of the song, I suppose the most recent and “classy” one is the one seen here:

Singing days over with Joy decided it was time to work on the now well known look of innocence. As you can see she had to practice long and hard… don’t know about you but *ahem* she might need to keep on practicing!

(above) Now this is one look she has down pat, yes it is a photo of me she is staring at… I believe it was during the time I was seconded to Africa for a tree hugging exercise. Isn’t she cutes!

Now, as you can see above, she just pulls this look every time she comes near me or my posts… *sniff sniff*

So folks, that is our sister Joy - please do not let her know that I have posted all these “secret bottom draw” photos of her - see she knows where I leeeeeev!

*runs to protect the cookies she stole from Amber*

POST NOTE:

Sorry folks I forgot to mention Joy’s cute kitty cat that she adopted, this sweety pie apparently just luuuuuuuurvs her nose… Anyways moving along swiftly here she is trying to train kitty to stay away from the one said nose attached to her face… (below)

Now Joy has been claiming that kitty is as innocent as she “is”… sorry, hate to break it to ya, an informant just sent these in… below is kitty’s brother enjoying a Guinness (good boy) and then there is kitty all passed out… I say no more… innocent? Yeah right!

Awwws look at these two… yip poor kitty must have the mother of all hangovers after passing out like that…. eeeeeek watch the nose!!!

Oh and apparently this cutie needs witness protection… am starting to realise it is I that needs it. My informant tells me that the gun was being aimed at me… question is… how the informant got to get such an incriminating photo unless it was he that plotted….

I say no more… I am in hiding

The Truth behind Deeps Hair-doo

As mentioned in the comments on the “Learning, Listening, oops” post, here are a few photos that I dragged out of the family album of Deeps and her now famous hair-do… Please don’t tell her I’ve done this - we all know how she can get when she is mad (rather funny just between you and me!)

(above) It all started on June 16 1901 - Our parents were so shocked, I mean her first words were literally “Ho-laaaaa!”

(above) Those were the days when she wore dresses though as well… These days she is too busy climbing trees so prefers pant’s. Sorry, this is the only photo we have of her in a dress. I think the only other one she will ever wear is that of her wedding gown (poor soul).

(above) Anyway’s here you can see she started growing out her punk hair style. Don’t be fooled by that “oh so sweet” look on her face, she could steal banana’s before you could even say chimp-and-meee!

(She fell off that fence shortly after this photo was taken… it was hilhairyarse!)

(above) Here she managed to gel it down for a little bit, it was a school play - In fact, if I remember correctly, she had just turned sweet 16 (perhaps that is why she is looking so grumpy, personally I believe it is because the wine glass was empty sheesh)

(above) The one thing you must know about my little sister Deeps is the fact that she just loves her hair - yip, its verging on an obsession of dire proportions. As you can see in this photo, taken from her last photo shoot, she can spend hours on her hair, primping, cleaning, drying, brushing, fluffing… No, seriously, I mean HOURS!

(above) Anyway, the teenage years passed and soon she was seen out on the town living it up like lady muck of all monkey’s. We still can’t figure out what made her do her hair like that (reminds me of a pudding bowl *shrug*). Mom and Dad were totally unimpressed with the bloke she was with… we still await to know his name…

(above) This photo was taken just 4 weeks ago while she was in NYC, as you can see, you can only hide your horns for so long before they start shaping your hairball… tsk!

So that’s it folks, Deeps and her hair style

Duties of Wives

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from New Zealand he bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a South African girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless South African Women

Personal Ads

I think I now know why mine wasn’t such a hit… *takes notes*

Learning, Listening, oops

I can’t PG rate these, they’re said by kids *shrug*

The 4th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking fourth-graders a question like that! I’m sooo going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,”Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Then it gets worse…

Little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself,
“Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine…”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my maths homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in maths?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a b!tch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”