“I could give you no advice but this: to go into yourself and to explore the depths where your life wells forth.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
Imagine you are standing in a crowd of 300,000 people looking for your friend who is somewhere in the middle. You start walking in the direction of your friend, searching and searching, your walk slowly becomes a run as the panic within you grows, soon each of person in that mass starts to resemble the next, you search and your panic grows. Every single person is moving constantly, no one is standing still, confusing you even more. In your panic to find your friend, you start running wildly in the direction you think will lead you to your friend only to find that you have been running in circles the whole time. Panic panic and more panic, chaos reigns and envelopes you, your body is tired, your breath hard to catch and you still haven’t gotten any closer to finding your friend… chaos.
Breathe…
That was my mind, all the thoughts running wildly through my head akin to the mass of 300,000 people all moving at once to different rhythms all at once. A constant wave of thought all jumbled into a little park that is my mind with no bench to rest my weary feet. Panic started to overcome my spirit, I knew that I needed to find peace, I knew that things were getting dangerously chaotic in my mind but I didn’t know how to slow it down. No, this was not a conscious thought, at times perhaps it was, but it was just one of the 300,000 roaming around the corridors of my mind. I knew that I needed something but I did not know what, I was desperate without knowing just how desperate I was.
Now imagine that crowd of 300,000 in a high walled maze akin to those invented by the master puzzlers. The walls reaching the height of skyscrapers, so high in the sky blocking out the light from the sun. You are still searching for your friend in the centre but now you not only have 300,000 to contend with and sift through but also possible dead ends and wrong turns. Panic fills every ember of your being, the inability to see further than the next wall, never knowing whether you are closer or further away from the centre. Not knowing your Arthur from your Martha increases the panic and chaos, panic, panic, panic!
Breathe…
Every wall in that maze held emotional pain that was blocked from healing, each brick held pain and suffering yet to be felt. The crowd alone can cause much chaos and confusion, when you add the emotional walls on top of that you’re looking at absolute mindlessness. These walls were up for a reason, they were erected in times when, had I not put them up, I would quite possibly not have survived, they served a purpose. Problems come in when those walls stay erected, when we don’t face those emotions we “felt” during those times. They tie us down like heavy chains preventing us from experiencing true freedom, they inhibit us in our dealings with others and stunt our growth both spiritually and emotionally.
When I first heard about my friend Lee’s lymphatic cancer last year it hit me like a ton of bricks right between the eyes, it was both a wake up call and a realisation. I knew that I could not waste anymore time searching for my friend in the middle of the crowded room filled with tall walls, I had to find the centre and fast. At the time I did not know what I was searching for, I did not know what it looked like nor what it was, all I knew was that I HAD to find it. It felt as though there was a piece to the puzzle missing, a gap, that I could not see, I just knew that it was not there. It was once again not a conscience thought it was more an inner knowing, an inner longing that no words can describe apart from “craving”. With this craving flowing through my entire being I quit my job that had by that time deteriorated to the point that I had to watch my back constantly (Fighting the Gut). The journey to my soul had officially began without me even realising it.
After quitting my job I flew to England for interviews, got an amazing job and then had my visa declined three times. I got to see my friend in hospital, experience his love and his forgiveness (I got the chance, will you? and Life’s Lessons in those around us). During this whole time it felt as though I was on the right path, the knowing that burned within me pushed me forward through each hurdle. My outright certainty confused those in my life, they often told me that I was mad, that I need to be realistic and make decisions, each time I told them that I am following my gut, that I trust it. I had decided that the only way to find my friend, my centre, in a crowd of 300,000 was to listen to it and follow the directions it gave blindly.
When I got the phone call with the news that my soul brother had passed on I felt ice cold water flow through my veins and then a warmth, I was numb. My friends death shook my very core, it seemed to realign the walls in my mind causing the shaken foundations to falter and a few bricks to fall, it opened me up to feeling real emotions once more, but not totally. It also caused the 300,000 strong crowd to expand to 600,000 with increasing speed and chaotic frenzy.
Now imagine a 600,000 strong crowd of thoughts with faltering walls, the walls don’t stand much chance at all. The thoughts pushed and pushed causing a few of the walls to begin to crack, some to fall and others crumble. Where in the past I would have remained cold I was warmed with the intensity of my loss, a gateway had formed and the 600,000 strong crowd of thoughts ran riot, it felt as if a calm had come over me. A calm? A calm because those 600,000 thoughts were not walled in anymore, restraining them, they were not bouncing off walls continuously anymore, they were free to roam.
Once that gateway opened up and what I thought was a calmer state of being enveloped me it felt as though I was once again on the right road to freedom, I was getting closer to the centre where my friend was. The problem though is that when we are so used to a crowed head, just a few walls breaking down makes one think that you are closer than you really are. I was, in reality still very far from finding my friend, a 600,00 strong crowd is not freedom.
I returned to South Africa subdued and yet excited about my journey, to me I was making progress, learning life lessons and using them for good. My friends death had taught me to live and to not give up on searching, it reinvigorated me in my quest to find the centre. Some might say it is crazy and pointless to go searching for something in the middle of a crowd that big especially if you don’t even know what you are looking for, it all depends on how you look at it.
Slowly I started to settle down, now awaiting another round of visa applications for Ireland (Hello destiny my friend) I suddenly found myself with a lot of time on my hands. What does time do? It gives you time to think, bad? I don’t think so, by actively thinking you start facing the demons, recognising them and processing them. Suddenly I found myself once more contemplating life and the lessons I had learnt up to that point (Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again). At this stage I was still unaware of how to find the centre of the crowd, I was still searching endlessly but this time with less panic for each thought that I started addressing started knocking the numbers down, slowly the 600,000 became 500,000.
As I said before, when you are so used to a chaotic crowd in your mind it is what we see as normal, that normality prevents us from seeing further than the chaos. We become blinded to other options, and in some cases, we fear those options when they are suggested, why? Because by nature we fear change, change in what we know, our chaos becomes our comfort. Ironic? Yes.
I was once talking to a friend online when she told me to stop screaming at her, I was shocked. The chaos in my head, although diminished from the last count, was still strong causing my words and speech to jump like a jumping jack reflecting what was going on in my head. When I heard those words it clicked, in that instant when I typed “CALM” I felt a clarity overtake me. It was then that I realised that it was because of the crowd that I would never be able to find the centre, I would forever be searching but never finding. How could I find the centre when there were so many thoughts crowding my mind?
From that moment on, feeling that clarity of calmness and lack of crowds in my mind I started to say the world “calm” out loud when ever I felt that my head was getting jumbled. When talking to someone or typing I would repeat it over and over again either out loud or just in my head. Slowly time passed and it became a habit, when something upset me I would say “calm… calm… calm”. I started to see things differently, seeing things that were right before my eyes before but never noticed. Slowly I realised that I both had to and could break down the walls that I had erected all those years ago (Love who you are just as you are, Iridescent stars within the dark of night, This is my now).
With this new clarity and calm I felt the urge to start walking again, I loaded some quiet inspirational music that I felt talked to my soul on my mp3 player, plugged in the earphones and started walking. The music seemed to touch my inner core, the words spoke to me more than ever before. In the past music just related to my past, the things behind and in front of the walls, never before had it really related to anything else, like nature, how the world worked or what really needs to be done (Humans in Nature, Winds of change). I thought of them about these things often but never concentrated, my thoughts were always clouded, now they were crystal clear like a waterfall falling through the air.
Chatting to a friend she suggested that perhaps I get some meditation CD’s and start meditating to try and bring more calmness to my mind. I still had a 200,000 strong crowd bantering away in my head, I seemed to be running away instead of embracing the quiet with open arms. A latent fear clung to me, letting go of everything and embracing the quiet and the space I was in was saying goodbye to the life I knew and accepting a new improved but very different one, I was scared.
I went out and bought Meditation CD’s and started researching ways on the Internet to meditate. I was shocked at how much information was out there that gave you all the know how of doing it - this coming from someone who uses the internet as her primary learning tool it’s quite shocking that it never crossed my mind to do it before! So I read up on it and I started to sit on my bed just after I woke up with the meditation CD’s playing in the background. I concentrated on my breathing counting to 5 as I drew in and then 5 and I breathed out again slowly. After a while I began to feel the breath filter through my body and a clear open space within me opened up. I can’t explain its clarity or its perfection, it was safe and pure, clear of rubble and clutter, I felt like I could float in there. I was systematically breaking wall by wall down without even realising it (Downward Spiral of Self Doubt)
When I opened my eyes it was with a new vision, less opinions and more options. I started looking at everything in a new light. Where before I would look at a tree and see its branches or that it had lost some leaves now I saw the tree as an integral part of the universe, I saw it as a symbol in life and I took from it a message. Food started tasting different, things that were bland before became more flavour filled, my sense of touch heightened as well. People touching me freaked me out because it lingered on my skin for a long while afterwards and I couldn’t shake it. Things were new, I was a kid again, I was slowly shedding my adult skin and seeing the world as was intended (I’m done starving my soul, Universal Respect?).
I started meditating more and more after that first experience of what I call an open mind. Soon I found myself closing my eyes every opportunity I got, concentrating on my breathing and finding that open space again. My focus was to try and quieten my mind, a hard task with the now 100,000 thoughts cascading left, right and centre. I started to visualise each one coming towards me as I stood in that open space, I would look at each onr, see it for what it was, recognise it and then accept it.
This is a long journey, one I have often wished for a magic wand in order to speed it all up or to just make it happen. What I now realise is that the spirit within each of us, our souls know the pace they need to go, there is no rushing or pushing it to go faster. I have finally managed to quieten the mindless chatter in my head during meditation, sometimes thoughts will pop in and I once again recognise them and accept them then tell myself to let it go. Slowly, the more I do it, the longer the chatter stays away, I can now sit quietly embracing my space in total silence, breathing in and out light and energy of the colour I choose. I’ve started experimenting as well, I read that Buddhists when cold visualise warm colours flowing with their breathe, the other night I tried it and I started sweating on the coldest of nights.
For all the years I have searched for something that all along existed within me, I have been searching for my centre, my core, my soul. I am close, I can feel it in every breath that I take, the walls are falling, I am breathing in healing, for the first time in my life I am becoming me, the real me.
Through everything I have been through, all the lessons that life has given me this lesson is the both the greatest and most important. We are so used to chaos that we forget to embrace the quiet, I have not walked into a single thing (Mistakes and the funny side of life) since I embraced my space and the body I am in, I don’t judge just see, I don’t have opinions but look for options…
I now look at the world with a new pair of eyes and it’s beautiful, I see life for the first time and I am grateful beyond any words that a dictionary can offer…
To all those who have helped me I thank you
Ok so I was meant to give up and FINE I cheated every now and then with a little small eeny teeny puff. Did I feel good after each puff? No, it tasted like I had dragged my tongue over a dirty pavement and then back again. I think it is round about now when I tell you or rather suggest that you don’t read on if you have either a weak stomach or smoke…. the inconvenient truth is not pretty.
Today after speaking to the mother of my friend who passed away, hearing her pain and her distress from losing him I’ve felt the most incredible sadness. I think of him often, a day doesn’t go by where I don’t talk to him, I miss him… some days are easier than others, today was one of the harder ones.
(perhaps the British influence… lol)
). Although I know it was not in my power to do anything for him because I was too busy trying to find a roof over my head over weekends and holidays, often sleeping on the streets and in public toilets. I often wished during that time that I had been in the position to look after him, to take him away from his father and give him a real home where he had his own room and no fear. No matter how hard I tried to make money by selling my art etc I never seemed to be able to get enough as I was also paying people to let me stay with them. Not being able to help him killed me and still does now even though he is all grown up and looking after himself now, this is one of the regrets I need to let go and forgive myself for. I know you are probably sitting there thinking “come on woman you didn’t have any hope in hell nor way of helping him”… I know this but it doesn’t change the way I feel.
