It’s because…

It’s because… I am a woman

It’s because… I am a man

It’s because… I am White

It’s because… I am White-[add country here]

It’s because… I am African

It’s because… I am African-[add country here]

It’s because… I am Asian

It’s because… I am Asian-[add country here]

It’s because… I am Latino

It’s because… I am Latino-[add country here]

It’s because… I come from an abused household

It’s because… I wasn’t loved as a kid

It’s because… I was abandoned

It’s because… I was beaten

It’s because… I was sexually molested

It’s because… I was raped

It’s because… I wasn’t shown how

It’s because… I wasn’t told

It’s because… I come from a poor family

It’s because… I come from a rich family

It’s because… I am sick

It’s because… I am the minority

Choose your excuse

No, I mean no offenceimage

I want to state who I am, what I am and what one of the things I stand for is. I am me, I am a colourless human and I believe in a colourless world.

Each and everyone of us has a burden to bear and bare, each and everyone of us has gone through something.

We all have the right to be heard and we all have a choice as to what we do with our past, present and future, we choose how we take the punches.

In my life time…

I have met a woman who didn’t let her sex stop her from trying to get a job in a predominantly mans world, she got ragged but at the end of the day the men respected her more for trying. She did not use the excuse “It’s because I am a woman”

I have met a man who dreamt of being a ballerina, he was ripped to shreds by fellow “men”, he would sometimes cry from the pain of exerting himself, proving himself, sometimes he would cry from the jibes. He did it and now he’s doing Swan Lake and the likes there of with a big smile. He never used the excuse “It’s because I am a man”

I know someone who comes from an abused household, this person experienced all four of the legally named abuses… physical, sexual, emotional and abandonment. This person strived hard to make themselves better, both physically and emotionally, they fought hard. Not once did this person turn round when something failed and say “It’s because I was abused as a child”

I know more people than can fit on one hand that have been raped, some more than once. Not once have they turned round and blamed something on those events, they have never said “It’s because I was raped”

There are a number of people that I know who brought themselves up, if not their siblings as well. They weren’t guided by adults or shown how and yet when it comes to doing something for the first time it is them that plunge in first to see how they can fix it/put it together/sort it out. They don’t stand there and say “It’s because I was never shown how”

I know an extremely poor family, 4 kids in school with hardly any money for food never mind all the school clothes or anything else. This person works hard, she gets inventive with cooking bare essentials. She has taught her kids how to knit slippers and socks, they make them and sell them. Not once has she turned round and said “It’s because I am poor that my kids are they way they are” or “It’s because I am poor that I can’t be the best I can be”. Her children are the same, they do not blame their failures on their poverty, they blame their successes on it.

I know a number of extremely rich people, I am talking mega millionaires, some self made and some “old money”. These people have compassion and they aren’t scared to show it, when they do they don’t flaunt it either. They don’t go around parking in No Park zones just because they can, because they drive a Aston Martin or BMW. They don’t throw tantrums when they don’t get a specific product they are looking for. They don’t blame their attitudes on the fact that they have money.

I know a number of really ill people, some days these people can’t get out of bed, they can’t make their own coffee, moving one inch sends them into spirals of agony. Life really throws them a basket full of rotten eggs, doctors, needles, constant pill taking, you name hell and that is that right there. These people don’t blame their moods on their illness, they don’t go around being absolute cows to everyone just because they can, just because they are sick.

I know many minorities, what you would call a minority, previously disadvantaged. They don’t let the colour of their skin stop them from trying something new, they don’t go seeking special treatment just because they are a certain colour. They don’t throw the ancestor card nor do they blame their attitudes on it either. Instead these people strive for true equality, they strive as a human being to better themselves in their own capacity, they do not say “It’s because I was previously disadvantaged”

Blaming things on our pasts, on our circumstances, gets us only so far.

What all of these people have done is take a bad situation and made it good. They have shared their pain, their stories and their goals.

They take the lessons learnt through their pain and reach out to others who are going through it or have gone through something similar. They care, they do not blame.

Each and everyone of us has a burden to bear and bare, each and everyone of us has gone through something.

We all have the right to be heard and we all have a choice as to what we do with our past, present and future, we choose how we take the punches, we choose what we do with them.

To all of you that don’t blame but fight for your own equality in a judgemental world, who do not use the bad things that have happened to you as an excuse to get ahead or to do cruelty, to be an itchy bee, aerosol or anything else… I admire you!

You know who I am, you know how I am, where I am from therefore you must know that I do not judge, I observe, I love but do not hate. If you do not know me then ask.

Kissing an Ashtray

image Ok so I was meant to give up and FINE I cheated every now and then with a little small eeny teeny puff. Did I feel good after each puff? No, it tasted like I had dragged my tongue over a dirty pavement and then back again. I think it is round about now when I tell you or rather suggest that you don’t read on if you have either a weak stomach or smoke…. the inconvenient truth is not pretty.

I have been smoking since the age of 14, I only really got into it when I was 18, by the age of 21 I smoked 60 a day if not more. I have donated many brain cells to this cause, I am now 29 going on 50.

Nope not joking, 50 is the age of my lungs, 29 the age of everything else (not the liver mind). So here comes the disgusting bit that I really can’t avoid. The lungs on the left is what I should have, the lungs on the right are probably still better than what I have today as I sit here and type this.

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

(more…)

For all those who have lost someone they love…

This song has come a long way with me, Dido’s words are so true to life and to losing someone, if you have ever lost someone you love, this song is for you my friend…

I’m comin’ ’round to open the blinds
You can’t hide here any longer
My God you need to rinse those puffy eyes
You can’t lie still any longer

And yes they’ll ask you where you’ve been
And you’ll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day
Well I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again

Come on take my hand
We’re going for a walk, I know you can
You can wear anything as long as it’s not black
Please don’t mourn forever
She’s not coming back

And yes they’ll ask you where you’ve been
And you’ll have to tell them again and again

And you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day
Well I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again

Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all
You said one day OF this was worth dying for
So be thankful you knew her at all
But it’s no more

And you probably don’t want to hear tomorrow’s another day
Well I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And you’re asking me why pain’s the only way to happiness
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again
And I promise you you’ll see the sun again
I promise you you’ll see the sun again

See the sun again
See the sun again
See the sun again
See the sun again

See the sun again
See the sun again
See the sun again
See the sun again

Happy Birthday my friend

… and what a sad day it is, it is your 32nd birthday, not even 2 months since you crossed over to the other side, time stands still today. It was only yesterday that I visited you in the hospital, after not seeing you for so long you just opened your arms and gave me the biggest bear hug as always with a naughty smile on your face and the simple “howdy partner”… Ah things have come to pass as they always do. Saw your mother the other day and she is looking so slim, she has aged 20 years in 6 months, her pain etched in every inch of her face she still braves a smile and drinks a tequila in your name.

I remember all the things with a smile on my face, grief is strange how it slowly ebbs then returns in force only to ebb again… those who have been through it know how it is. Your boxes have arrived from England, filled with everything you owned, filled with memories and all the good times… strange how we want to hold on to the things that once belonged to someone we loved…

It is a happy day and yet one of saddness, I miss you my friend and as the tears flow down my cheaks it is part in saddness for I will never get that hug again and partly because I was so honoured and blessed to have known someone like you in this lifetime. We will meet again you and I this I know and for the time being you are your closests guardian angels… you are close by this I know.

Happy birthday my dear friend and goodbye till we meet again

Me

Time moves on

It has been a rough few days since my friend passed on, over Christmas I managed to keep a smile on my face most of the time and block thoughts of the fact he was gone by pretending that it was just a bad dream. Reality strikes hard and on the 24th, yes you heard right… Christmas eve, his funeral took place in South Africa. It saddened me that I wasn’t there to say goodbye to him but then I stopped myself, shook my head and reminded myself that I had bid farewell to him in person while he was still in London. It didn’t feel final when I saw him last, a part of me fought along side him, fighting for a miracle that was to never be and as the people in the house went about there business I went outside with my earphones playing lullaby by Billy Joel. I found myself standing dead still, music filling my ears. As the lyrics filled my heart, mind and soul I looked up to the sky and bid my farewells to a soul that I know will live on forever because now he is a part of us all.

Death is a strange thing and a fact of life and although it is just that we tend to walk around not giving it one thought until it touches us. The human spirit is strange in the way it avoids the things that we fear most, no I am not in a philosophical mood my dear friend, I am all dried out for the time being, still a bit numb from it all. The one thing I can tell you is that no matter what happens I will always live my life without regrets, do the things that get my blood pumping and be myself no matter what, I will die without “I wish I had’s”

Although I say I shall live with out those regrets I will readily admit that I have picked up a few along the way, regrets that only my heart can forgive myself for but the greatest one sparked while my younger brother visited me over Christmas. He and I, along with the rest of the family, have not had an easy life, it has been one of many trials but he is the only one that went through part of mine with me. When he was just on 7 and I 13 our mother decided to move to another country to be with her new husband leaving my younger brother in a boarding school and the ward of his alcoholic abusive father and myself in a boarding school 200km’s away from him and guardianless (if there is such a word ;-) ). Although I know it was not in my power to do anything for him because I was too busy trying to find a roof over my head over weekends and holidays, often sleeping on the streets and in public toilets. I often wished during that time that I had been in the position to look after him, to take him away from his father and give him a real home where he had his own room and no fear. No matter how hard I tried to make money by selling my art etc I never seemed to be able to get enough as I was also paying people to let me stay with them. Not being able to help him killed me and still does now even though he is all grown up and looking after himself now, this is one of the regrets I need to let go and forgive myself for. I know you are probably sitting there thinking “come on woman you didn’t have any hope in hell nor way of helping him”… I know this but it doesn’t change the way I feel.

You may also be asking yourself why I never went to stay with his father and look after him that way… I couldn’t, his father had hurt me too badly, I was too emotionally scarred and traumatized by what had taken place before that I couldn’t go near him… the reason my mother left him with his father is because he’d never touched him to our knowledge. This is the other part of my guilt, that I let my own fear stop me from being there for him while he was growing up, that I couldn’t be strong enough to put it aside. Yes there is way more to this but far more than I am willing to delve into right now.

I guess the moral of this story is that so often our fear gets in the way for perfectly good reasons, don’t ever hate yourself for it rather use it to grow from and learn. If it is regret you harbor, speak to those you have it with and ask their forgiveness, it is up to them and their hearts whether they can forgive you or not. I know that my brother hasn’t come to that place yet where he can forgive me for those years but I know in time he will… he has told me that he forgives me, he has told me I am the only woman he has ever trusted but I also know that in his heart he is still in pain, still aching… in time he will learn to forgive all of them including myself for letting him down in the most important years of his life… one day and until then I will live like I should’ve, I will continue to do everything in my power, that I now have, to help him in his life’s journey.

Life is a funny thing isn’t it?

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