Masonry Queen becomes Patient Gardener

I am the definition of contradiction, I am the Queen Mason and Patient Gardener, I am both and all at the same time.

From the age of naught, since the time I was but a spec on the imagination of my mother and possibly my fathers mind’s, I have been the Gardener in the people I meet’s lives. A wilting flower? No sweat I will water that sagging flower within you until it blooms once more in all its wonderful colour and array. That is who I am, that is how I have always been, that is how I will always be.

All the while I water your spiritual garden I neglect mine, instead of doing the required regular weed pulling, planting and watering I build walls. Walls around my spirit, my soul, who I really am, I hide. I am the expert in where these walls go, how they are built, how high they should go and what bricks to use. I am the Queen of Masonry.

I understand that in order for me to water your garden I have to do at least a bit of tending to my own, but not to the levels I should have. After all How much water can be thrown over a high wall? How easy is it planting a gorgeous orchid when you are balancing on the top of a wall the height of a skyscraper? Not easy, no. Perhaps my strength in tending to other peoples spiritual gardens is so strong for the fact that I have never really concentrated on my own. My gardening skills are unbalanced if you will.

When you are in a relationship, be it with a partner or with a friend, there are always three gardens to attend to much like the picture below - yours, mine and ours.

Firstly, on the left is your garden that you yourself need to tend to, look after, water, plant and weed.

Then on the right is your partners or friends garden, they to have to water, plant and weed making sure that it survives and grows.

Then finally we get the garden in the middle, our garden, this to needs to be watered, weeded and new plants planted every now and then.

If one of these three gardens is not being attended to then it becomes unbalanced, in discord and will start to resemble something much like a dead ant sucked dry by a leech, it can happen so fast, with a blink an eye, poof all dried out.

Look after your own garden too much and the other two get neglected, enough neglect and they slowly wither and die. The same is true when it comes to looking after the other two gardens more than your own, just this time yours is the one that withers.

All three gardens can be healthy and thriving, the balance perfect in the sense that all gardens are being weeded, watered and encouraged to grow but this takes hard work and practice. Just like anything else, like any garden, you can’t just put a garden together and expect it to grow. No, unfortunately you need to know which kind of plants work best under the different weather conditions, which plants need shade and which prefer full sunlight, how much to water them and what to plant next to them. Then on top of that “knowledge” you also need to think about the colours, sizes and fragrances of the plants you’re putting in your garden, do they compliment each other? Do they work well on the “whole”? and finally do they compliment the middle garden and in turn the third garden?

Now if you are a good mason such as I am, your garden will be filled with walls ranging from little hurdles through to impressive skyscrapers. How do you know where to plant the plants in your garden when you need to travel through an intricate maze first? Never mind knowing where to plant, how do you know what to plant because the sunlight falls differently depending on the day, month and season. The best yet is, how do you know what has already been planted if you can’t see over the walls in the first place?

With all that in mind how can we ever expect to know if someone else’s garden compliments ours if we don’t know what we have to begin with.

We are all masons in our own right, some of us are better with more experience, we all build walls. It is what we do with those walls that matters. Do we leave them up as permanent fixtures or do we instead break them down and use the remaining bricks in a water feature or paving the path in between the flower beds…. What we do is up to us.

I never knew what was in my garden, I was always busy watering others more than my own, the walls sky high, the sunlight very rarely filtered in. Ultimately, no matter what I did, I would never find the perfect partner or the friend that complimented my personality, my nature or my plants.

I still have many many walls to break down, 29 years worth of walls, all of them different sizes, densities and heights. I am retiring as the pro-mason now, I am handing in my wall making tools.

I am now a full time gardener, how about you?

Balancing on one leg

Can you stand on one leg with your eyes closed? or with your eyes open for that matter?

When I was a kid it was one of the many things I just couldn’t do to the point that they thought I might have a hearing problem. I went through tests galore only to prove that I have perfect hearing but a disability with balance.

I could climb trees, jump over fences, was super flexible but the one thing I could not do is stand on one leg. It frustrated me beyond words because all the other kids seemed to be able to do it, just not me. So when no one was looking I practiced, day and night, I practiced without no end. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t do it until one day I got it right, it had taken me close to 3 years but I did it. It was a small feat that no one knew about but I was so so proud! I was 9.

After accomplishing the standing on one leg I decided to test my body out in different ways. I started trying to balance in different positions, balancing with my eyes closed, crouching on one leg, like a star, all sorts of positions. Each new position I learnt to balance in was quicker to learn than the last. Soon I was able to balance fully in any position I chose.

I could finally balance, I was finally normal.

The funny thing is that learning to balance the body is much like learning to balance the mind. I was never really good at the latter either, focus is not my strong suit unless of course the subject at hand fascinates me. When I am fascinated I absorb like a sponge until I lose interest and then I’m on to the next topic. Yet another thing I needed to learn!

Keeping balance and focus in the mind is far harder though than just learning to stand on one leg though. I have been trying to train myself for years but have never gotten it right. When you are training your body it is simple in the fact that you know exactly what you need to do and practicing it till you succeed. If you want to learn how to stand on your head you practice standing on your head, if you want to learn to do cart wheels you practice them until you get it right, until you can do it straight. With the mind it’s a whole different matter, there are no clear guidelines, no “do it like this to get it right” or “practice this and you will get balance”.

Training the mind is much like navigating a mine field when there are no clear directions. Without mentorship or guidance it is very rare that you will ever get to the end goal of balance and focus. You can read books as I have, hundreds, but the success rate of actually achieving it can be a constant trying but never getting there process.

After years of trying on my own fate brought me a person with wisdom and knowledge. Someone who can show me and mentor me in the right direction in order to get the one thing I have been seeking all along, balance in the mind.

The things I need to learn in order to get that balance are now clear, meditation. This time I know what the tools are and what direction to go in, the mine field now has sign posts with arrows. It is not a mindless search anymore, I now know what to do, what I need to practice in order to get there.

The relief is a hundred fold. Now I know what to practice in order to achieve my goals, I can now learn to balance on one leg in my mind. It will take me a while to train the mind but this time it is like I am training my body, I know what to do!

The funny thing is that, although I had the patience to train my body to stand on one leg, I have little patience with training my mind. It feels as though I have been trying for so long that now I want it just to happen over night, pronto! This can not be and so I learn patience along with balance and focus.

Learning something, be it motor skills or mental skills, can take time, it takes practice and for each person the time frame is different. The one thing that is a constant with all of us is the famous saying “Practice makes perfect”… and so now I practice.

Meditation is new for me, quietening my mind is much like training my left hand to tap a certain rhythm while my right does a different melody, it may be hard but it can be done.

I am grateful that finally I am on the right road, one day I know that I will be able to balance with both my body and mind… one day.

You can do anything if you set your mind to it, I have been taught this lesson time and time again. Just because you can’t do something now doesn’t mean you can’t learn it. Just because others can do it effortlessly doesn’t mean that you never will.

Practice makes perfect…

Return to Innocence

A song that has always been with me, more so now than ever before…

Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
.
Don’t be afraid to be weak
Don’t be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
.
The return to innocence
.
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don’t hide
Just believe in destiny
.
Don’t care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don’t give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
.
That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence

The purpose of self abuse

The purpose of self abuse is one that is quite simple and follows a certain theme. I will criticise myself either in my mind or verbally before you can and by doing it to myself first, when you criticise me then it does not seem so harsh, it is easier to take.

Does that seem odd to you?

Perhaps, perhaps not, perhaps you do it yourself.

How it comes about is different for each person. For me it was, from self-examination, because of constant criticism early in life. Everything I did or touched was seen as a failure and I was punished for it. From dropping a fork on the ground to tripping, spilling food down my front or a drink on the floor, I was punished either by words or beatings. It wasn’t only my actions I was punished for it was also that of my friends.

When I offered to do something it was always done wrong, from hanging up the washing to doing the dishes, taking out the rubbish or cleaning the bath. Even if it was done according to the strict instructions, it was a failure.

If I thought that I was useless at those things first then when I was told or punished it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Being told that I am fat, being told that my nose is wrong, my feet are wide, my thighs big, my legs tree stumps, the list is long. If I told myself that I was fat first when others told me it would not bite so hard on my spirit, it would save me the pain of being told what I already believed.

It doesn’t only stop at telling yourself though, it morphs into telling people first “I’m the worst dish washer in the world”, “I look so fat in this dress”, “All my paintings are childish”, “I can’t take a photo to save my life”…

Survival of the fittest, adapt or be annihilated time and time again. Weakness of spirit or courageous strength to adapt? Neither is right for it is just pure survival instinct especially in someone young.

Once learned however this instinct can take a hold, as the child grows and transforms into an adult, these instincts can cripple a person. Negative thought biases take root and it becomes a way of life.

You truly see yourself as fat so that others won’t hurt you when they tell you so, you slowly become what you believe because there is no denying it. If others believe it then it must be true thought patterns take shape and mould your existence.

If you see yourself as a failure, not able to do anything right the first time or third time, those negative thought biases take shape as well, they become your existence.

It is not conscious.

There are also those that go to the extreme to prove their worth, they fight night and day to prove to others that what they believe is not true only to not believe it themselves.

There are many aspects to self abuse, many reasons for it to be there. Believing in ones self is seen as easy to some but can be a walking nightmare to others.

I once apologised for everything that I did in fear that the person I held in my heart would get angry at a simple failing and leave. Fear of abandonment ran and runs strongly through my veins. It got so bad at times that making a simple toasted cheese sandwich was a problem for me because I feared that I would do it wrong, that I would fail… a toasted cheese…

After the toasted cheese incident I was shocked to what level I had come, it was the lowest I had ever been. My fear of failure and transformed into my fear of abandonment, as if both where tightly tied together. If I didn’t fail at everything, if I did everything perfectly then no one would leave me.

Where does my fear of abandonment come from? On the surface I it is all the events tied together that formed these negative thought biases. My mother leaving me to fend for myself at the age of 14 definitely did not help but rather encouraged the view that if I was not perfect people pack their bags and leave.

The problem with this negative thought bias, and in turn built in fear, it leads to the if you start to fail often and people notice, leave first that way it won’t hurt you as much when they do.

It all comes back to the hurt myself first before others hurt me survival instinct. I call it survival because sometimes one gets to a point that you can’t take anymore, that just one more transgression on your mind or body will break you, break you permanently. It is much like evolution, they say that the leopard never had spots all those eons ago. The leopard developed those spots over a long period of time when it was threatened constantly, it adapted to its surroundings and in turn became safer from the environment it found itself in.

The difference between humans and the leopard though is strong. The leopard has its spots for eternity now, humans can shed theirs and become whole again. There comes a time when survival instincts are not needed, breaking their hold on us though is not the easiest. It takes time, constant self reaffirmation, finding the beauty within ourselves and eventually accepting ourselves for who we are and loving ourselves for it.

Not just saying it… doing it.

There is more to life than thinking we are bad, failures, ugly, fat, pathetic and useless for each time we think that we are stopping ourselves from living fully. We only answer to ourselves, no one else, why not love ourselves while doing it?

It’s a hard instinct to break once learnt, but it can be done.

I am learning that I am not a failure at anything, there are just something’s I don’t have an aptitude for and others that I excel at. Neither is good nor bad, it just is, I am me, the whole package.

Just because I can’t knit doesn’t mean I can’t paint it just means I have an aptitude for the one but not the other. If I fall off my bike it doesn’t mean I can’t ride, it just means I fell off. The fact that I love strawberries and can’t stand brussel sprouts doesn’t mean that I am less worthy it just means I have good taste buds…

There is a fine line, one that when we cross, is hard to climb back out of… that is self abuse… just because its hard to climb doesn’t mean that you can’t. The climb out will make you stronger, more your true self and allow you to shine fully in your true light not that of the sun behind clouds but in open view.

Let your light shine, I will mine…

Graphic Play - Becoming

A simple graphic but with many symbolic representations. When I start out creating these images there is no plan, there is no idea in mind, they happen in a clear mind. This one is entitled Becoming, why? It is the transcension from the pre-awakened form to the new improved version.

The symbols are everywhere, for me it was much like spot the difference, perhaps it is the same for you.

The difference in the “old me” versus the “genuine meant to be me product” as I see them:

If you look at both their faces, you will see that they are vastly different. The one towards the back seems dissatisfied with life, the one in the fore bows his head in acceptance of being who he is, who he really is.

The neck line on the one in the back has no particular shape, the one in the front is in the form of a heart filled with white light.

The one in the back has no wings, he is disconnected from the other realms of being, the one in the front is spiritually connected.

The one is darker and seems shrouded, in the background, leading me to think that he is shrouded by society, fake outside projected to the world, his true self is in hiding from the world. The one in the fore is illuminated, he is more certain of himself and his place in the world through accepting who he is and his life’s purpose.

They both have the same shirt on but the one in the back carries labels, the one in the fore they are blanked out, he is more raw and stands as himself not as the world sees him.

The circles of light are the many hurdles and challenges that the one in the back, the old him, had to take in order to get to where he is now, evolved into to the person in the front. They are different colours and sizes symbolizing the variance of difficulty and risk.

That is my interpretation, what do you see?

Can you hear the grasshopper?

I never had the opportunity to watch Kung Fu - sadly I will date myself by saying that it was before my time but this clip says so much to me… what does it say to you?

Dear Captors

I would just like to thank you for all that you have done, for all the years you held me in captivity. For the times that you beat me black and blue, abused me, the times you took my ability to walk away, the times you made me think of myself unworthy, the times when I thought I was subhuman and worthless, pathetic and an aberration to the human race.

Those years were the biggest blessing to me, each single moment that you put me through, a lesson for my soul, a lesson to my future, to my now. I will be forever grateful for the survival skills you enforced in me, for making me stronger than I would’ve been without you, for helping me be who I am today.

I want you to know that I do not harbour any grudge, I feel no hate nor anger for what you did to me, only happiness that you did. The years you held me captive are the past, they have no affect on my future, you will never again hold me in your grasp nor will I believe the lies you told me. I will never again believe that I am worthless or pathetic, I will never cower in the corner and take the brunt of your “punishment” for living, for being born, for breathing.

I am not a product nor am I a survivor of all that you did to me but rather a person who has just seen the darker side of life and now appreciates the light, a person with empathy to mankind and to the earth, a person who cares and who feels fully, you have no hold on me.

I may from time to time talk about the years you kept me captive. I do this not to stroke your ego or to enhance what you did but rather to share the lessons that you taught me and to show others that may still be captive that it is possible to break free from your tight grasp.

I would also like to say a big thank you to the fight that is within me, you have protected me when the going was tough, you got me through the darkest days of captivity, when the air was strangled from my very being. You ran on auto-pilot finding corners to sleep in and doors to run out of, when all looked hopeless you kept me going, for that I will be eternally grateful. Thank you.

I want you to know that I have broken free from you, I breathe full breathes with a real smile on my face, I laugh until I cry and you know what?

I love myself and I love you too

Me

Let me be myself… please

I guess i just got lost
Bein’ someone else
I tried to kill the pain
Nothin ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hopin to come back around
To find myself someday

Lately i’m so tired of waiting for you
To say that it’s ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Just let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you let me be myself

I’ll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I’ll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It’s time to make my way
Into the world i knew
Take back all of these times
That i gave in to you

Lately i’m so tired of waiting for you
To say that it’s ok, but tell me
Please, would you one time
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
And let me be myself
For a while, if you don’t mind
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself

That’s all i’ve ever wanted from this world
Is to let me be me

Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Please would you one time
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
For a while, if you don’t mind
Let me be myself
So i can shine with my own light
Let me be myself
Would you one time… oooh
Let me be myself
Let me be me

The Man in the Moon and the two worlds he watches over…

I love full moon in the Southern Hemisphere, there is something about the clarity of the man in the moon that fills me with peace. I am a full moon person, people who know me know that when it is in the sky I seem to morph into a verbally hyperactive nutter. How do I know it is full moon tonight? Because the whole day I have been hyper emotionally sensitive to my surroundings and people. I feel more intensely the violence in my country, the sadness in others and the anger that they hold within them. It feels so intense at times that I feel it closing me in.

Odd? Perhaps it is just that I am insane, perhaps it is fact that the moon’s energy courses through me and awakens certain things within me. During these times I also feel disconnected from the people in my life, like a third party observer, they try to connect with me but I just feel like the umbilical cord has been cut. To correct this measure I become hyperactive verbally in hope that no one will notice. Some times it is better than others, today seems über.

For the last couple of days I have been trying to meditate, when I do I seem to go into this deep gorge and feel intense pressure on my head, like two hands are clasping it and pushing hard… am I mad??? Yes I have come to this conclusion.

As I sit here and type this I am outside with the man in the moon smiling down at me reminding me of my adventures on Sunday and how I found a new dam close by down a hill I had never ventured. The water was so still, like glass on a mirror, only the odd flying fish (trout is my guess) piercing its perfect skin every couple of minutes broke the illusion that my eyes perceived. I sat there for a long time absorbing its beauty as the music for my soul played on through my earphones.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, for how long I can not say, I felt such peace being near the water and in nature it was amazing. When I opened my eyes it was as if I was seeing the world with new eyes, afresh with new vision.

The reflection on the water is the reflection of the world as it is today and the surrounding earth is the true world, one that we don’t often see, one that we are so often blinded to by perceived society.

The ripples that were made on the waters surface were like what a good friend once told me, the deeds done by those that care, those that want to make a difference. Although they may seem small or have little affect, they spread, add enough ripples and you get waves.

Those ripples are the hope that is in the world, they are the people who care, who want to make a difference, who want to heal the world, piercing the reflection that of perceived reality.

There are two world’s one is real and one is perceived to be real, those who cause the ripples see both and feel it’s need. Each person who has a desire to pierce the glass surface of society, who want to heal, have a mission on earth, they have a purpose and they embody hope.

Cause enough ripples and they become waves, waves of change, waves of hope. The waves slowly pass over the boundary between reflection and earth, becoming one and the same… the real world

We humans will always have the choice of embracing the reflection or the truth, if we embrace the truth then we accept our purpose and our mission. Each little thing that you do, each gift of giving, of caring makes a difference whether you believe it or not, your actions are those ripples in the reflection, you are hope.

To some of you this may seem like a loony tune on cartoon network, to some of you perhaps you will understand the true meaning of my words. To those who know my address I am not there if you want to send the straight jacket, send it to the moon for I am sipping a Martini with the Man and smiling down on you.

To the man in the moon, how about you?

Messages in Pictures

Graphic play in abstract with more words than the spoken tongue carrying a simple message…