Journey to my Soul

“I could give you no advice but this: to go into yourself and to explore the depths where your life wells forth.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Imagine you are standing in a crowd of 300,000 people looking for your friend who is somewhere in the middle. You start walking in the direction of your friend, searching and searching, your walk slowly becomes a run as the panic within you grows, soon each of person in that mass starts to resemble the next, you search and your panic grows. Every single person is moving constantly, no one is standing still, confusing you even more. In your panic to find your friend, you start running wildly in the direction you think will lead you to your friend only to find that you have been running in circles the whole time. Panic panic and more panic, chaos reigns and envelopes you, your body is tired, your breath hard to catch and you still haven’t gotten any closer to finding your friend… chaos.

Breathe…

That was my mind, all the thoughts running wildly through my head akin to the mass of 300,000 people all moving at once to different rhythms all at once. A constant wave of thought all jumbled into a little park that is my mind with no bench to rest my weary feet. Panic started to overcome my spirit, I knew that I needed to find peace, I knew that things were getting dangerously chaotic in my mind but I didn’t know how to slow it down. No, this was not a conscious thought, at times perhaps it was, but it was just one of the 300,000 roaming around the corridors of my mind. I knew that I needed something but I did not know what, I was desperate without knowing just how desperate I was.

Now imagine that crowd of 300,000 in a high walled maze akin to those invented by the master puzzlers. The walls reaching the height of skyscrapers, so high in the sky blocking out the light from the sun. You are still searching for your friend in the centre but now you not only have 300,000 to contend with and sift through but also possible dead ends and wrong turns. Panic fills every ember of your being, the inability to see further than the next wall, never knowing whether you are closer or further away from the centre. Not knowing your Arthur from your Martha increases the panic and chaos, panic, panic, panic!

Breathe…

Every wall in that maze held emotional pain that was blocked from healing, each brick held pain and suffering yet to be felt. The crowd alone can cause much chaos and confusion, when you add the emotional walls on top of that you’re looking at absolute mindlessness. These walls were up for a reason, they were erected in times when, had I not put them up, I would quite possibly not have survived, they served a purpose. Problems come in when those walls stay erected, when we don’t face those emotions we “felt” during those times. They tie us down like heavy chains preventing us from experiencing true freedom, they inhibit us in our dealings with others and stunt our growth both spiritually and emotionally.

When I first heard about my friend Lee’s lymphatic cancer last year it hit me like a ton of bricks right between the eyes, it was both a wake up call and a realisation. I knew that I could not waste anymore time searching for my friend in the middle of the crowded room filled with tall walls, I had to find the centre and fast. At the time I did not know what I was searching for, I did not know what it looked like nor what it was, all I knew was that I HAD to find it. It felt as though there was a piece to the puzzle missing, a gap, that I could not see, I just knew that it was not there. It was once again not a conscience thought it was more an inner knowing, an inner longing that no words can describe apart from “craving”. With this craving flowing through my entire being I quit my job that had by that time deteriorated to the point that I had to watch my back constantly (Fighting the Gut). The journey to my soul had officially began without me even realising it.

After quitting my job I flew to England for interviews, got an amazing job and then had my visa declined three times. I got to see my friend in hospital, experience his love and his forgiveness (I got the chance, will you? and Life’s Lessons in those around us). During this whole time it felt as though I was on the right path, the knowing that burned within me pushed me forward through each hurdle. My outright certainty confused those in my life, they often told me that I was mad, that I need to be realistic and make decisions, each time I told them that I am following my gut, that I trust it. I had decided that the only way to find my friend, my centre, in a crowd of 300,000 was to listen to it and follow the directions it gave blindly.

When I got the phone call with the news that my soul brother had passed on I felt ice cold water flow through my veins and then a warmth, I was numb. My friends death shook my very core, it seemed to realign the walls in my mind causing the shaken foundations to falter and a few bricks to fall, it opened me up to feeling real emotions once more, but not totally. It also caused the 300,000 strong crowd to expand to 600,000 with increasing speed and chaotic frenzy.

Now imagine a 600,000 strong crowd of thoughts with faltering walls, the walls don’t stand much chance at all. The thoughts pushed and pushed causing a few of the walls to begin to crack, some to fall and others crumble. Where in the past I would have remained cold I was warmed with the intensity of my loss, a gateway had formed and the 600,000 strong crowd of thoughts ran riot, it felt as if a calm had come over me. A calm? A calm because those 600,000 thoughts were not walled in anymore, restraining them, they were not bouncing off walls continuously anymore, they were free to roam.

Once that gateway opened up and what I thought was a calmer state of being enveloped me it felt as though I was once again on the right road to freedom, I was getting closer to the centre where my friend was. The problem though is that when we are so used to a crowed head, just a few walls breaking down makes one think that you are closer than you really are. I was, in reality still very far from finding my friend, a 600,00 strong crowd is not freedom.

I returned to South Africa subdued and yet excited about my journey, to me I was making progress, learning life lessons and using them for good. My friends death had taught me to live and to not give up on searching, it reinvigorated me in my quest to find the centre. Some might say it is crazy and pointless to go searching for something in the middle of a crowd that big especially if you don’t even know what you are looking for, it all depends on how you look at it.

Slowly I started to settle down, now awaiting another round of visa applications for Ireland (Hello destiny my friend) I suddenly found myself with a lot of time on my hands. What does time do? It gives you time to think, bad? I don’t think so, by actively thinking you start facing the demons, recognising them and processing them. Suddenly I found myself once more contemplating life and the lessons I had learnt up to that point (Putting Humpty Dumpty back together again). At this stage I was still unaware of how to find the centre of the crowd, I was still searching endlessly but this time with less panic for each thought that I started addressing started knocking the numbers down, slowly the 600,000 became 500,000.

As I said before, when you are so used to a chaotic crowd in your mind it is what we see as normal, that normality prevents us from seeing further than the chaos. We become blinded to other options, and in some cases, we fear those options when they are suggested, why? Because by nature we fear change, change in what we know, our chaos becomes our comfort. Ironic? Yes.

I was once talking to a friend online when she told me to stop screaming at her, I was shocked. The chaos in my head, although diminished from the last count, was still strong causing my words and speech to jump like a jumping jack reflecting what was going on in my head. When I heard those words it clicked, in that instant when I typed “CALM” I felt a clarity overtake me. It was then that I realised that it was because of the crowd that I would never be able to find the centre, I would forever be searching but never finding. How could I find the centre when there were so many thoughts crowding my mind?

From that moment on, feeling that clarity of calmness and lack of crowds in my mind I started to say the world “calm” out loud when ever I felt that my head was getting jumbled. When talking to someone or typing I would repeat it over and over again either out loud or just in my head. Slowly time passed and it became a habit, when something upset me I would say “calm… calm… calm”. I started to see things differently, seeing things that were right before my eyes before but never noticed. Slowly I realised that I both had to and could break down the walls that I had erected all those years ago (Love who you are just as you are, Iridescent stars within the dark of night, This is my now).

With this new clarity and calm I felt the urge to start walking again, I loaded some quiet inspirational music that I felt talked to my soul on my mp3 player, plugged in the earphones and started walking. The music seemed to touch my inner core, the words spoke to me more than ever before. In the past music just related to my past, the things behind and in front of the walls, never before had it really related to anything else, like nature, how the world worked or what really needs to be done (Humans in Nature, Winds of change). I thought of them about these things often but never concentrated, my thoughts were always clouded, now they were crystal clear like a waterfall falling through the air.

Chatting to a friend she suggested that perhaps I get some meditation CD’s and start meditating to try and bring more calmness to my mind. I still had a 200,000 strong crowd bantering away in my head, I seemed to be running away instead of embracing the quiet with open arms. A latent fear clung to me, letting go of everything and embracing the quiet and the space I was in was saying goodbye to the life I knew and accepting a new improved but very different one, I was scared.

I went out and bought Meditation CD’s and started researching ways on the Internet to meditate. I was shocked at how much information was out there that gave you all the know how of doing it - this coming from someone who uses the internet as her primary learning tool it’s quite shocking that it never crossed my mind to do it before! So I read up on it and I started to sit on my bed just after I woke up with the meditation CD’s playing in the background. I concentrated on my breathing counting to 5 as I drew in and then 5 and I breathed out again slowly. After a while I began to feel the breath filter through my body and a clear open space within me opened up. I can’t explain its clarity or its perfection, it was safe and pure, clear of rubble and clutter, I felt like I could float in there. I was systematically breaking wall by wall down without even realising it (Downward Spiral of Self Doubt)

When I opened my eyes it was with a new vision, less opinions and more options. I started looking at everything in a new light. Where before I would look at a tree and see its branches or that it had lost some leaves now I saw the tree as an integral part of the universe, I saw it as a symbol in life and I took from it a message. Food started tasting different, things that were bland before became more flavour filled, my sense of touch heightened as well. People touching me freaked me out because it lingered on my skin for a long while afterwards and I couldn’t shake it. Things were new, I was a kid again, I was slowly shedding my adult skin and seeing the world as was intended (I’m done starving my soul, Universal Respect?).

I started meditating more and more after that first experience of what I call an open mind. Soon I found myself closing my eyes every opportunity I got, concentrating on my breathing and finding that open space again. My focus was to try and quieten my mind, a hard task with the now 100,000 thoughts cascading left, right and centre. I started to visualise each one coming towards me as I stood in that open space, I would look at each onr, see it for what it was, recognise it and then accept it.

This is a long journey, one I have often wished for a magic wand in order to speed it all up or to just make it happen. What I now realise is that the spirit within each of us, our souls know the pace they need to go, there is no rushing or pushing it to go faster. I have finally managed to quieten the mindless chatter in my head during meditation, sometimes thoughts will pop in and I once again recognise them and accept them then tell myself to let it go. Slowly, the more I do it, the longer the chatter stays away, I can now sit quietly embracing my space in total silence, breathing in and out light and energy of the colour I choose. I’ve started experimenting as well, I read that Buddhists when cold visualise warm colours flowing with their breathe, the other night I tried it and I started sweating on the coldest of nights.

For all the years I have searched for something that all along existed within me, I have been searching for my centre, my core, my soul. I am close, I can feel it in every breath that I take, the walls are falling, I am breathing in healing, for the first time in my life I am becoming me, the real me.

Through everything I have been through, all the lessons that life has given me this lesson is the both the greatest and most important. We are so used to chaos that we forget to embrace the quiet, I have not walked into a single thing (Mistakes and the funny side of life) since I embraced my space and the body I am in, I don’t judge just see, I don’t have opinions but look for options…

I now look at the world with a new pair of eyes and it’s beautiful, I see life for the first time and I am grateful beyond any words that a dictionary can offer…

To all those who have helped me I thank you

Indigo Purpose

A little while ago I posted an article on Indigo Adults and Children, if that one clicked then perhaps this one will as well. Read the below paragraph’s and if it it strikes a cord click through to the link’s at the end, if not then think me crazy I don’t mind for there is always sanity in insanity…

• The Indigo passages are particularly rough and difficult for a reason. They burn away the dross and lassitude and inner ignorance and fear and temper us for strength in our true work here. The personal victory over our problems in our personal lives and our discovery and use of the unique Indigo gifts we have gives us the depth of experience to weather the difficulties the entire world faces. With our own rough passages behind us, our job is to assume a role of mentor and quiet leadership for those who also seek Light. All the pain and suffering is our ‘been there, done that, here’s what I did to get past it’ card. And it teaches us perseverance and gives us a depth of inner reserve that will be needed in the difficult days to come.

• Indigos of all ages are frustrated by the shallowness of society at large, because they like to dig deeply into things that interest them. If TLC or the Discovery channel runs an in-depth series of documentaries on a subject the Indigo is interested in, they are in hog heaven. But heaven forbid if the subject is superficially approached or lightly referred to, because Indigos want to know EVERYTHING, and RIGHT NOW. (And I say, thank God and the Cold War for the Internet.)
  

• All Indigos are aware that they are very different from the rest of the people in this world. Depending on the influences around them, this can be positive or negative. Positively influenced Indigos can grow their gifts more easily in an encouraging atmosphere. Negatively encouraged Indigos have more of a battle, which can result in a heavy build up of pent up rage. This rage has to be adequately discharged and grounded in order for the Indigo to get in touch with his or her innate gifts.

• Indigos like to make up their own rules and systems as they go along. They have an innate feel for the natural order of things, but to many people this ‘order’ looks a heck of a lot like total chaos. Older Indigos have an inherent distaste for big government and interfering systems, and quietly long for true independence from ‘systems’ like the economy, money, and salaried work. But they also have the common sense and intelligence to make these systems work for them, and understand that overt street protesting, violence and anarchy are not the way to go. Some will even hold their noses and involve themselves personally in these systems, using their Mission instincts to quietly change them for the better from within.

• Religions both fascinate and repulse all Indigos. The genuine soul-felt knowledge that God/dess dwells within you is the kernel of Gnostic (which means “to know”) wisdom. Many Indigos become experts on many religions- dogma and ritual are fascinating to them, and they study them for their use as tools of Awakening. Sometimes they will even join a religious sect for a while, but generally do not stay.

• We resist cultural gender programming. I have been told that I ‘think like a guy’ although I am a woman. If you test your Indigo children for ‘gender’ oriented abilities, you will find that each sex tests just as well in the ‘opposite’ skill sets. So girls will have high spatial and mathematical abilities, and boys will have high linguistic and cognitive abilities.

So… if any of what was said there strikes you then click through here… Indigo Purpose or Indigo Files

Are You An Indigo Adult?

Earlier I came across the Indigolifecentre blog in my continued research about Indigo adults and children. In certain circles it is much talked about but often one doesn’t want to explore for what it might tell you about yourself. In all my research I have never found a more information on one “site” regarding this phenomenon so would like to share with you the following characteristics of Indigo Adults and Children - perhaps you are one of them or perhaps your children are… have a read and see what you think

INDIGO ADULT CHARACTERISTICS:

* Are intelligent, though may not have had top grades.

* Are very creative and enjoy making things.

* Always need to know WHY, especially why they are being asked to do something.

* Had disgust and perhaps loathing for much of the required and repetitious work in school.

* Were rebellious in school in that they refused to do homework and rejected authority of teachers, OR seriously wanted to rebel, but didn’t DARE, usually due to parental pressure.

* May have experienced early existential depression and feelings of helplessness. These may have ranged from sadness to utter despair. Suicidal feelings while still in high school or younger are not uncommon in the Indigo Adult.

* Have difficulty in service-oriented jobs. Indigos resist authority and caste system of employment.

* Prefer leadership positions or working alone to team positions.

* Have deep empathy for others, yet an intolerance of stupidity.

* May be extremely emotionally sensitive including crying at the drop of a hat (no shielding) Or may be the opposite and show no expression of emotion (full shielding).

* May have trouble with RAGE.

* Have trouble with systems they consider broken or ineffective, ie. political, educational, medical, and legal.

* Alienation from or anger with politics - feeling your voice won’t count and/or that the outcome really doesn’t mattter.

* Frustration with or rejection of the traditional American dream - 9-5 career, marriage, 2.5 children, house with white picket fence, etc.

* Anger at rights being taken away, fear and/or fury at “Big Brother watching you.”

* Have a burning desire to do something to change and improve the world. May be stymied what to do. May have trouble identifying their path.

* Have psychic or spiritual interest appear fairly young - in or before teen years.

* Had few if any Indigo role models. Having had some doesn’t mean you’re not an indigo, though.

* Have strong intuition. * Random behavior pattern or mind style - (symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder). May have trouble focusing on assigned tasks, may jump around in conversations.

* Have had psychic experiences, such as premonitions, seeing angels or ghosts, out of body experiences, hearing voices.

* May be electrically sensitive such as watches not working and street lights going out as you move under them, electrical equipment malfunctioning and lights blowing out.

* May have awareness of other dimensions and parallel realities.

* Sexually are very expressive and inventive OR may reject sexuality in boredom or with intention of achieving higher spiritual connection. May explore alternative types of sexuality.

* Seek meaning to their life and understanding about the world May seek this through religion or spirituality, spiritual groups and books, self-help groups and books.

* When they find balance they may become very strong, healthy, happy individuals.

Please note, anyone could have a few of these traits, but Indigo Adults have most or all of these 25 characteristics.

MORE ADULT CHARACTERISTICS:

First Wave Indigo Profiles
These are some of the qualities and challenges that First Wave Indigos experience.
Most Indigos can relate to at least 90% of this list .~ Were born en masse (about 62%) between 1969 and 1987 (With stragglers before and after - 30% were born in the 50’s).~ Highly intelligent in their “Own Way.”~ Are literally “wired differently” than other people.

~ Know in their heart and core that they are here “on a mission” but many don’t remember what that is or how to go about it.

~ Have an inner awareness that what is being taught in churches and schools is NOT accurate and know there are hidden agendas around the lies that are being accepted by the masses as “Truth.” This is extremely frustrating but inspires them to uncover the cover-ups and expose The Real Truth!~ Have a strong sense of truth, ethics, justice and freedom. (That is why “authority figures” many times irritate and frustrate them). When these are in jeopardy, will give their “all” for their cause, and many times feel they would rather die than give-in to tyranny and deception.

~ Many have strong or unusual Psychic and Telekinetic abilities.

~ Have extraordinary levels of compassion.~ Have purple/UV as their favorite color or see it in their dreams.

~ Have an affinity to Knights, Castles, and Dragons.

~ Shut down psychic abilities because it scares people.

~ Feel like they could be one of the characters on the 1980’s television series “The Misfits of Science” or one of the young people in Xavier’s school for the gifted in the recent movies from the comic books “The X-Men.”

~ Many times get along better with animals and nature than people.

~ Have a bond/connection to the trees, and nature in general.

~ Can relate well to children and or the elderly

~ Feel very comfortable lounging, and would rather sit on the floor on a pillow than in a hard, uncomfortable chair. (Would prefer sitting on the floor in school, and business meetings if they could get away with it!)

~ Are very attracted to soft natural fabrics in their cloths and fuzzy blankets are the ultimate!

~ Many times get very impatient when with someone who doesn’t get to the point.

~ Creative, inventive, and very intuitive.

~ Involve themselves in human/animal rights efforts.

~ Have an innate sense of “oneness” and connectedness to all of creation. Get confused and disturbed when others don’t share their reality of “at-one-ment.”

~ High capacity for love, and therefore others may feel uncomfortable by their intensity.

~ Very sensitive, sometimes “Hyper Sensitive” and may not be able to distinguish between the emotional fields of those around them and their own personal emotions.

~ May go through periods of apathy and cynicism as coping mechanisms.

~ Intense longing for “their own kind”·.Soul Mates·but don’t know where to look.

~ Have what I endearingly term H.D.D. or “Hug Deficit Disorder” and need immense amounts of physical touching, hugs, and love to “cuddle.”

~ Because of being misunderstood and then betrayed, may develop strong trust issues, and therefore keep many of their thoughts, feelings and opinions to themselves.

~ About 30% have difficulties expressing them selves, especially in writing.

NOTE: If you read some of the poorly written correspondence from some of these First Wave Indigos, you would assume they were uneducated and nearly illiterate, but the truth is, that these same people can also be speed readers and can absorb information in seconds that would take others minutes to understand and retain.

~ Very disciplined when properly motivated.

~ Get bored and or frustrated in school.

~ Male Indigos (and many Females) for the most part don’t “do authority” very well because most of the time they are smarter than those in authority.

~ Many find themselves in “Alternative Schools.”

~ Female Indigos seem to be able to cope better with the school systems than their male counterparts.

~ Many are labeled “Dyslexic” and find themselves in “Special Classes” at school that usually never work for them.

~ Indigos have a strong desire to know “why” ·and if they don’t see “the point” in something, (or if is it isn’t explained properly), will feel it is simply not worth their time/energy and will either react with resistance or just simply “blow off” the people/things that seem not worth their time and energy.

~ Innately have their own ways of calculation and many have been accused of cheating in school because they do the answers in their head and cannot show their work.

~ Indigos have an evolved awareness of how things work, therefore, many of the rigid rules and methods of learning Math, English, and Physics (NOT metaphysics or quantum physics) make no sense to them.

~ All First wave Indigos have what might be termed as “A Gift of Healing” ….whether it is making people feel better with their humor and wit, hands on healing, animal and plant healing, healing with music and tone, or healing with new “unproven” methods.. ·some of which are natural and need no external training for.

~ Many Indigos have “Telepathic Healing” abilities and long distances make no difference to the efficiency of their work.

~ Because of their expanded perception, unusual creativity, wanting to try new things, and running way ahead of what is being taught in class, many were diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder, and put on Ritalin as children.s

~ Most Indigo’s (especially males) have a high innate aptitude for computers/electronics and or auto mechanics. It is common for them to “Just Know” how to operate and trouble shoot with very little help from a book or an instructor.

~ First Wave Indigo’s are extremely creative, and express this innate skill in many (and often times OUTRAGEOUS forms.) These skills manifest in: Drawing, Painting, Sculpting, Decorating, Photography, Writing (in sometimes very extreme and unique ways), Making Blueprints and Prototypes, Composing and Playing Music·.(even if they have never had lessons), inventing games, and creating new & more efficient ways of doing things.

~ Very few Indigos are interested in aggressive sports such as Football and Hockey. They would rather spend their physical exercise time and energy in personal achievement and outdoor sports such as track & field, skateboarding, mountain climbing, cycling, kayaking, etc. They are also attracted to discipline and self-defense sports such as Fencing and Martial Arts

~ Because of their feeling so foreign to this planet, a very high percentage of Indigos have been put on “Antidepressants” to make them appear “Normal” and fit in our society·.this is just a temporary fix though, and only adds to their challenges.

~ Many Indigos are drawn to Theatrics, Drama, and Stand-up Comedy. In these venues they can “pretend to be someone else” when actually they are using this as an outlet to vent and express their own views and pent up emotions. It is also a place for “misfits” to find a place of refuge and “fit in”.

~ Because of their feeling so “alien” here, many go through periods of severe grief, loneliness, and displacement·..and may turn to drugs, alcohol, or attempt suicide for a way out.

~One trademark that a high % of First Wave Indigos have, is living through extreme hardships as children, teenagers, and young adults. Many were born into family situations that were physically, emotionally, spiritually and psychically abusive. These Indigos had to figure out how to balance and keep their inherent integrity levels, while being subjected to painful and life shattering experiences. A large % were implanted in such horrendous situations as: organized crime, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and even ritual/cult abuse & mind control.

I am a through and through Indigo, how about you?

 

IS YOUR CHILD AN INDIGO?

To find out, ask yourself these questions:

1. Did your child come into the world acting like royalty?

2. Does your child have a feeling of deserving to be here?

3. Does your child have an obvious sense of self?

4. Does your child have difficulty with discipline and authority?

5. Does your child refuse to do certain things they are told to do?

6. Is waiting in lines torture for your child?

7. Is your child frustrated by ritual-oriented systems that require little creativity?

8. Does your child see better ways of doing thing at home and at school?

9. Is your child a nonconformist?

10. Does your child refuse to respond to guilt trips?

11. Does your child get bored rather easily with assigned tasks?

12. Does your child display symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder?

13. Is your child particularly creative?

14. Does your child display intuition?

15. Does your child have strong empathy for others?

16. Did your child develop abstract thinking very early?

17. Is your child very intelligent?

18. Is your child very talented (may be identified as gifted)?

19. Does your child seem be a daydreamer?

20. Does your child have very old, deep, wise looking eyes?

21. Does your child have spiritual intelligence?

If you have more than 10 yes answers, he or she probably is an Indigo. If more than 15, almost definitely.

Compiled by Wendy H. Chapman from her own experience with children and information in The Indigo Children: The New Kids Have Arrived by Jan Tober and Lee Carroll and her experiences with children.

Please see www.metagifted.org for more info.

IS YOUR CHILD AN INDIGO???

If so, this is not a bad thing!! The only difficult part is that they are very misunderstood at this point in time in our culture and therefore may have some difficulty dealing with systems such as the rigidity of the current educational system. Your own recognition of them and understanding of how to interact with them will help! You can teach others how to work with your child for the best effects.Recognize the Indigo Children are the ones who will help raise the vibration of our planet! These are the ones who will bring us the enlightenment to ascend. Realize that if you are the parent of one of these spirits, you have been given a wonderful, marvelous gift!

Feel honored that they have chosen you and help them develop to their fullest Indigo potential.