Masonry Queen becomes Patient Gardener

I am the definition of contradiction, I am the Queen Mason and Patient Gardener, I am both and all at the same time.

From the age of naught, since the time I was but a spec on the imagination of my mother and possibly my fathers mind’s, I have been the Gardener in the people I meet’s lives. A wilting flower? No sweat I will water that sagging flower within you until it blooms once more in all its wonderful colour and array. That is who I am, that is how I have always been, that is how I will always be.

All the while I water your spiritual garden I neglect mine, instead of doing the required regular weed pulling, planting and watering I build walls. Walls around my spirit, my soul, who I really am, I hide. I am the expert in where these walls go, how they are built, how high they should go and what bricks to use. I am the Queen of Masonry.

I understand that in order for me to water your garden I have to do at least a bit of tending to my own, but not to the levels I should have. After all How much water can be thrown over a high wall? How easy is it planting a gorgeous orchid when you are balancing on the top of a wall the height of a skyscraper? Not easy, no. Perhaps my strength in tending to other peoples spiritual gardens is so strong for the fact that I have never really concentrated on my own. My gardening skills are unbalanced if you will.

When you are in a relationship, be it with a partner or with a friend, there are always three gardens to attend to much like the picture below - yours, mine and ours.

Firstly, on the left is your garden that you yourself need to tend to, look after, water, plant and weed.

Then on the right is your partners or friends garden, they to have to water, plant and weed making sure that it survives and grows.

Then finally we get the garden in the middle, our garden, this to needs to be watered, weeded and new plants planted every now and then.

If one of these three gardens is not being attended to then it becomes unbalanced, in discord and will start to resemble something much like a dead ant sucked dry by a leech, it can happen so fast, with a blink an eye, poof all dried out.

Look after your own garden too much and the other two get neglected, enough neglect and they slowly wither and die. The same is true when it comes to looking after the other two gardens more than your own, just this time yours is the one that withers.

All three gardens can be healthy and thriving, the balance perfect in the sense that all gardens are being weeded, watered and encouraged to grow but this takes hard work and practice. Just like anything else, like any garden, you can’t just put a garden together and expect it to grow. No, unfortunately you need to know which kind of plants work best under the different weather conditions, which plants need shade and which prefer full sunlight, how much to water them and what to plant next to them. Then on top of that “knowledge” you also need to think about the colours, sizes and fragrances of the plants you’re putting in your garden, do they compliment each other? Do they work well on the “whole”? and finally do they compliment the middle garden and in turn the third garden?

Now if you are a good mason such as I am, your garden will be filled with walls ranging from little hurdles through to impressive skyscrapers. How do you know where to plant the plants in your garden when you need to travel through an intricate maze first? Never mind knowing where to plant, how do you know what to plant because the sunlight falls differently depending on the day, month and season. The best yet is, how do you know what has already been planted if you can’t see over the walls in the first place?

With all that in mind how can we ever expect to know if someone else’s garden compliments ours if we don’t know what we have to begin with.

We are all masons in our own right, some of us are better with more experience, we all build walls. It is what we do with those walls that matters. Do we leave them up as permanent fixtures or do we instead break them down and use the remaining bricks in a water feature or paving the path in between the flower beds…. What we do is up to us.

I never knew what was in my garden, I was always busy watering others more than my own, the walls sky high, the sunlight very rarely filtered in. Ultimately, no matter what I did, I would never find the perfect partner or the friend that complimented my personality, my nature or my plants.

I still have many many walls to break down, 29 years worth of walls, all of them different sizes, densities and heights. I am retiring as the pro-mason now, I am handing in my wall making tools.

I am now a full time gardener, how about you?

Influencing kids… PG18

I am not a mother, never have been and honestly don’t know if I ever will be for the main fact that I fear for anything I give birth to - imagine me as a mom! (poor souls). That said, Amber’s post “Where is the line” and Joy’s post “Partying in front of your kids” got me to thinking - has my life influenced me? Did the deeds of my parents influence me?…

Please be warned that my life is kind of PG18 - for some reason I needed to warn you, perhaps so that you aren’t too shocked? You are warned…

If you have been following my blog you would possibly know by now that I grew up with the permanent smell of alcohol, what you may not know (due to slight omission) is the fact that my mother was also an alcoholic. So all my mothers men and all the kings horses including herself used to party it up quite a bit, it was when I learnt to sleep through anything and everything - shan’t go into too many details.

Growing up, adults who are drunk tend to want to offload their problems, they get soppy and in need of “therapy” - you know that need to talk about matters on their hearts. I was local therapist from the age of about 7, if not younger, that is just the first time I can remember actually giving advice to an adult.

I’ve heard it all, from problems with sex “She won’t do me no more”, “she’s frigid”, “Vibrators are better than men” (For that one I was 11 and I invented a vibrator attached to a electric blanket - she got the best of both worlds).

Then came the complaints about the spouses drinking… “He dwinks too much” (????), “He’s always too drunk to get it up” (use rhino horn it apparently works well or borrow one of mothers blue movies), “She snores when sheee dwinks” (why can drunk people never say the word drink, its always dwinks).

Then came the cheating “I think he’s cheating on me” (but you slept with so and so only last week, you can’t complain), “She’s shagging so and so isn’t she, I just know it” (No I have never seen her with him promise), “God I could shag him but I’m sooo shy” (This is how I think you should approach it, give him a few drinks, he’s easy then)

Suppose its not hard to imagine then that my sex education was a porn shop (among other things), I knew all the different shapes of condoms by the age of 13. Porn movies? Hell I knew what they were from a younger age than that. Sex was no mystery nor was it linked to the heart - I was taught that from a really young age. This was normal. Is that bad?

Keeping all of that in mind, it wasn’t unusual when my mother took me clubbing at the age of 12, they were all impressed that I managed to drink 8 ciders and still be able to dance. That was the night I was dared to smoke by my mother, I declined and had another cider instead.

I only started smoking when I was 14 and much to everyone’s chagrin it was not out of peer pressure, but rather “payback”, it was my only “anger” outlet. Sure I partied, I got trashed many a night, often with the older kids when I went to go stay with them during the time I was homeless. Hey I wasn’t innocent, I could drink anyone under the table, finishing a bottle of whisky on my own while out with friends was no mean feat. At the age of 21 I smoked 60 a day… pretty impressive surely? bowing? Wait…

My mother always believed that if you want to try something, try it and do it in front of her then at least she could “control” it, if something went wrong then she could “deal” with it. This included drugs, if we wanted to smoke dope, by all means do it in front of her, drugs were talked about openly and the fact that my brother was in hospital because of it, she knows.

I have spoken to a few people through out my short life, you know how topics come up “So how did your parents given you the low down on sex”, they always seemed to be fascinated with my answer and said that it was so cool, that they wish their parents had done the same. You know the conversation about parents allowing you to drink, some said my mother was mad while others applauded her, same goes for the drugs. What do you think?

Have you noticed how sheltered kids always seem to end up rebelling to the point of becoming exactly what the parents didn’t want?

No amount of sheltering can protect anyone from everything… Is it not better to be open with kids?

Are open relationships such as this bad for kids? Was it bad for me?

I am who I am today because of all the stuff life threw at me, am I so bad?

I ask all these questions because I don’t know…

I am not an alcoholic, I am not a drug addict, my only vice was ever cigarettes (did you note the “was”?). My younger brother had it just as bad as me but perhaps in certain cases more sheltered and then in others worse. He’s been in hospital for drugs OD’s, he’s had drunken rages, he suffers. I am not better than him, we just chose differently.

Is it perhaps not more a persons choice of how they want to be at the end of the day that really counts?

Perhaps that is just it at the end of the day, each moment of our lives we get to choose who we want to be, how we want to be and what we want to be…

I am no angel, but am I really that bad?

Self Beatings and their purpose

What is the purpose of beating yourself, really? No, I am serious, what is the purpose? I ask myself this on a daily basis and I always get to the answer “No point”. If one looks at it deeply, looks at it for what it is, you’ll see that in reality it is just cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Why do I say that? Well from experience, of which I have a lot in this realm, you just break yourself down, you lead yourself willingly down the path of no return. What’s the point?

We encourage others when they make mistakes, we encourage them to try again, to not give up, ironically we even tell them not to beat themselves up. We try and boost them and show them that they are perfect just the way they are, mistakes and all, better still we tell them that mistakes are only opportunities to learn, to grow, to evolve.

Ironically I used the encouraging vs beat up method in the work place as well. I had 20+ people that I managed at one stage and a number of them weren’t the easiest characters around. One of the greatest things that I noticed was the fact that when a person is degraded constantly, verbally discouraged and unappreciated they can either become more difficult or they can become uninterested, depressed and uninspired. When a person becomes discouraged they don’t do their work starts to slide, work output and the quality of the work starts a gradual decline.

Take those same people and encourage, respect, show appreciation and understanding they start to shine, they work harder and the quality of the work surpasses what was previously deemed as average. They become more loyal than ever before and greater assets to both themselves and the company.

It’s ironic that we do this to other people but don’t do it to ourselves, some how we skip that equation, we skip the “love yourself” part.

I’ve been the one thing I can’t stand, I have been a hypocrite and I am not happy with this fact. I am not happy at all… but I am not going to beat myself up about it because the realisation of this fact means that I am learning, that I have come to this point and now can learn from it and move forward.

I can tell you that I am not going to be a hypocrite anymore but that would be a lie. By saying that I will try it takes the pressure off from being outright just doing it - that only leads to that self beating pressure. What I am going to tell you is that I am going to try treat myself as I treat others, treat myself with love, compassion, understanding, encouragement and respect. I’m going to try.

What’s the point of beating ourselves up all the time?

No point…

For those who know me, here is my horoscope for today, I thought you may enjoy it and have a good chuckle. Message is home and I am keeping it close company in my heart with a smile on my face… Even the stars are telling me! Shocking really!

“Stop beating yourself up so much, SF. You set extraordinarily high standards for yourself, and can’t bear it when you don’t meet them. Take a moment to look objectively at your achievements versus those around you. You have done a lot, and will doubtless go on to even bigger and better accomplishments. Don’t fret about the little setbacks that are bound to occur along the way.”

Perfection is a deception, never attainable for we look for it in the wrong places, it is in fact the mistakes we make, the things we learn.

Perfection is being who we are

I say no more

Kissing an Ashtray

Ok so I was meant to give up and FINE I cheated every now and then with a little small eeny teeny puff. Did I feel good after each puff? No, it tasted like I had dragged my tongue over a dirty pavement and then back again. I think it is round about now when I tell you or rather suggest that you don’t read on if you have either a weak stomach or smoke…. the inconvenient truth is not pretty.

I have been smoking since the age of 14, I only really got into it when I was 18, by the age of 21 I smoked 60 a day if not more. I have donated many brain cells to this cause, I am now 29 going on 50.

Nope not joking, 50 is the age of my lungs, 29 the age of everything else (not the liver mind). So here comes the disgusting bit that I really can’t avoid. The lungs on the left is what I should have, the lungs on the right are probably still better than what I have today as I sit here and type this.

WARNING: GRAPHIC CONTENT

Wonderwalls of life

For some this song is to a friend or a lover, for me it is to my soul.

It hasn’t always been like that though, at one point I put my happiness and life in another’s hands, he was my wonderwall.  By doing that I was slowly drained of all self-confidence and eventually my self-respect.  When I walked into that relationship it was because I felt in awe that someone could actually love me, find me interesting or actually find me beautiful, I mean this is me we are talking about, come on!  How on earth they could feel anything for me let alone like me was beyond all reason.

The sad truth is love should not complete us, it will never succeed in making us feel whole, we will always have insecurities until we are fully happy with ourselves, who we are, what we are.  Love should rather compliment us, it should an addition not a “replacement” of a gaping hole within us.

We will never be able to love someone else fully, honestly or with our whole being until we love ourselves.

This song is to my soul, to my heart and to myself for I am the only one that can save me.

If this song is for your compliment in life then you are blessed, if this song is for your soul then it is I that is blessed for it means that you are living fully.

Love yourself as you would your friend, lover, family for it is the greatest gift you can give to others.

Be your own wonderwall

Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat, the word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
But I don’t know how

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads that lead you there were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
But I don’t know how

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
You’re gonna be the one that saves me

The story of how I almost killed myself and why I am happy I didn’t…

No this is not Jerry Springer nor is it manufactured for the benefit of anyone, its a hard cold fact to swallow, but I almost died by my own hands and yes I really am grateful and happy that I didn’t succeed.

Suicide has been around for eons, since the beginning of times, it is not a new phenomena but rather ancient practice. Some used (and still do) to do it as a sacrifice for their Gods, others because they’d rather die by their own hands than be killed in war and then finally those who just can’t face another day breathing.

A conversation I have heard many times before:

Person 1: “So and so is just looking for attention, they told me today that they can’t face living anymore, how pathetic!”

Person 2: “Phew, so what did you tell them?”

Person 1: “I told them of course to get a life, stop moping around and to deal deal with it”

Person 2: “Good for you, you don’t need someone like that pulling you down”

Anything strike you as scary in that conversation?

When you are so low, I am talking lower than low, further than darkest of hell, you reach out for one last time. The night before, you find yourself sitting on your bed writing that letter, or worse yet, with the very thing you are going to use to kill yourself. What happens next is the continuation of internal dialogue ending up with you deciding to give it one more chance. You reach out to someone whom you love, you reach out hoping to get some help, for someone to take you in their arms and tell you that you are worth something to them.

Sound strange? No, you have to take into effect where that person is, where they are, each person has a different story. In every person who thinks about killing themselves there are commonalities, there are core emotions and feelings in each and every one. The circumstances may differ, there may be other emotions involved but the cores stay the same.

So what do we feel?

Helpless beyond reasonable doubt, we feel that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to change the situation we find ourselves in, we feel that it is all pointless. Generally we have tried, only to get stone walled or cut short before we succeed, the first, second, third or hundredth hurdle just seems too much, we are helpless. If the world seems to have given up on you how can you believe that you are capable or that anyone would spare the time to help you…

Hopeless doesn’t cover it,but that is what it is, we feel without hope for the now and the future. We feel that no matter what we do it won’t succeed, we feel that the world has given up hope in us so therefore we are hopeless. We feel that everything is pointless, why bother trying when there is no hope…

Unworthy and a waste of space, we feel that there must be a reason why the world can’t stand us, why we are so alone in our thoughts and our feelings, why we can’t relate to anyone, we feel worthless. We try to prove our worth only to get trampled on time and time again, people continually breaking us down. It all makes us think that in reality we would be doing the world a favour by getting “rid” of ourselves. We are a waste of fresh air, let them have it if they want it so bad…

Useless at everything we do, no matter how hard we try we seem to always fail, no matter what it is, it always seems to not meet others view of perfection. Time and time again we are told that we should try harder, we should do things differently, that we have failed either them or at the thing we are trying so hard to do, that what we are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong… There comes a time when we start believing and then “realise” that perhaps were right all along, that we are useless, a waste of space…

Unloved and meaningless to everyone that in the natural order should love you. Parents, family and so called friends seem to abandon you when all of the above are applied. You start to feel all alone in the world, born to be alone for eternity, no one cares, no one ever will. Life starts to look darker than dark, purest of black, how can anyone love someone so pathetic, worthless, hopeless, helpless and useless…

There are many different factors, these are just five of the main emotional themes that flood a person when they have reached the lowest of lows. They are reality, they are what they are. You may think it pathetic, by all means do, it just means you have amazing people in your life and that you have never been broken down so much that you got to that point. If you have amazing people in your life, thank them for they are a gift, imagine life without them, reverse their roles and play it out in your head. How would you feel if you are shown time and time again that people are just cruel, horrible, sadistic, uncaring, unloving and out for number one, what would you feel? How many times would it take you to believe that you are all of those things above if you are both told and shown continually?

I planned my suicide down to the last second, the details I will not give you nor the process, those that have been there know, but know this, it was clinically done and thorough. I wrote the letters to everyone that I had loved, I was ready, sitting on my bed with 30+ sleeping pills all neatly placed in my hand. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I said to myself “You are saving everyone else from yourself, you are doing them a favour, get on with it and save the world once and for all, God made a mistake bringing you into the world, you are now going to correct his gross mistake”.

I sat there for a long while just staring at the pills, three quarters of a bottle of whisky down my gullet, I was mellow, perhaps that is too light a term, I had courage like never before, I was ready. I put some pills in my mouth and swallowed them down, the taste of them made me almost throw up right there and then. I then reread the information pamphlet on what the pills would do if you overdosed, it brought me comfort to know that I would die in my sleep.

Suddenly I thought “What if my plans don’t go like I had planned, what if no one finds me and I rot in my flat for weeks”. The taste of the pills and the large amount of whiskey consumed suddenly clashed in my stomach and I threw everything up. All done, I sat once again on the bed, this time sans the pills in my hand. It was then that I decided to give it one more try, I was going to reach out to someone I did not know well and tell them I needed help, if they didn’t help me then I would finish the job. Please note that at this point I had told no one of my plans or that I had been thinking about it.

I sent a text message to a Therapist saying “I am in trouble, I need help, I am sending you this text so that I won’t do anything to myself, an emotional contract between you and me. That is all”. By sending that text message I had made an emotional contract, I now could not do it because I had promised someone else that I wouldn’t do it until I saw them, until I had given them a chance to speak to me. I was beyond shame, I didn’t care anymore what anyone thought, I was more than ready to end it, this was the last chance I would give the world.

No one knew that I was so low, no one knew the amount of times I had written those letters, no one knew that I had planned everything, no one knew because I had not told anyone, we rarely do. I didn’t want anyone to know because they would make a fuss, because they would seem fake in their kindness if they showed it, because I was beyond trusting their “love” for me, I just did not believe in humanity anymore.

The therapist phoned me on the Monday following the text message and she thanked me for keeping the contract, for speaking to her and for asking for help. Just by those words alone I felt some worth, hey she was a therapist and they’re paid to say those things but it made me feel like I had perhaps, just perhaps, done the right thing. A sliver of hope.

It was a long journey from there, it was scarier than scary at times. On my first meeting with her I didn’t care what she thought of me, I was beyond that, she asked me what led up to me wanting to kill myself and I told her. She validated the feelings I felt, she told me that she was surprised that I had lasted so long, she also told me that I had done the right thing by texting her. She then thanked me for being willing to give her a chance to prove that what I thought was not the case.

She proved me wrong, she showed me a different perspective and showed me how to deal with the people who had helped get me so low. She taught me and I learnt, I lived because she showed that she cared. It doesn’t matter that I paid her, no matter who the therapist is, they are still human and they still have the capacity to show care or to not, she did.

There are many different perspectives to suicidal thoughts, there are many different scenarios that play out, it doesn’t change the cores.

Sometimes people will say “Well how about I just kill myself, save you the hassle of dealing with me” or “You know what, I just can’t take this shit anymore, I may as well just kill myself”. If it is said in anger or tears, it doesn’t change the fact that it has been said for it means that that person has thought about it, had to have in order for them to just spit it out. If and when that happens it means that one or more of the above cores are present, it means that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Suicidal thoughts are reality, they are ever present and human. Those who have them are not abnormal, rather they are more than normal, it means that there is a problem in the “local matrix”. If you think these thoughts it doesn’t make you pathetic, it doesn’t make you weak or subhuman, abnormal or an idiot, it means that you are human. So often we reach out to those that we love only to get our feelings and thoughts reflected back on us, only to have them confirmed.

By me texting someone anonymous I felt safe, safe from peoples scorn, from their pity, from their rage and confirmations - I was so low that I knew I couldn’t handle any more of that. Making an emotional contract with a faceless person saved my life, by opening up the yellow pages, looking at the names and trying to figure out which one sounded like the one for me, I am alive today.

That was not so long ago, I now not only see my worth but feel it as well, I see and recognise my talents for what they are, I recognise the fact that there are bad people in the world and that we do have a choice about who we let in to our lives and who we refuse. It was a long journey but I am grateful that I did it, I am grateful that I am alive today and that I didn’t succeed.

Some might say “Oh come on I am different, you might have been able to do it but I am beyond what you felt, I am beyond love, less worthy than an ant in the desert” You are wrong, very wrong, reach out to an anonymous person be it online or off, but someone you don’t know, someone that isn’t a causing factor and see for yourself.

If someone has ever said those words I mentioned above or hinted at the fact that they are thinking about it, even in jest, don’t take it lightly. Do research online to see how you may help that person, speak to a therapist yourself to get guidance, but more importantly show that you care and love, give the person a hug not a slap in the face.

If you know of someone who has committed suicide, know this. More often than not there is no warning, they kept it quiet and in their own world, they did not want sympathy nor did they want anyone to try and stop them. There are always many factors involved, never just the one. I never uttered a word to anyone about my plans nor what I was going to do, how or when.

There is a lot of guilt left behind in those that remain, the loved ones in the suicidal’s life, the pain caused by this single act runs deep and far. The saddest thing of all is that they aren’t alive to see just how much people really did love them.

Hug someone today, tell someone you love them for who they are not what they are. Cherish the people in your life and support them, don’t break them down.

Some of us never got that chance, we lost loved ones to suicide, take it from us, take it from me.

Love with your heart on your sleeve, you could be the one that makes a difference…

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Related Posts:

Who you are makes a difference

Putting the “I” in Suicide by Persistentillusion

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With this post there are rules for comments: NO sympathy, that is all I ask. The reason for no sympathy is for the fact that I am not one bit upset or sad that I got to the edge of the abyss, instead I am grateful, it taught me many things, it made me live more, breathe more, love more, be me more… and love me for me

Admit our mistakes? Lessons from Current Affairs…

South Africa, a lesson to the world or to us as human beings? Possibly a strange question but is it either or both? There is always a lesson in everything that happens, there is always a purpose, sometimes we just choose to hide from it for it means admitting that perhaps we are at fault or that we could have done something different, neither is bad it is just human or perhaps it is just has to do with one’s perception of life.

With the current events in South Africa there are many lessons that I gain from all the chaos that is reigning down. Bear with me, first some history to explain why I would make such an insane statement.

A lot of people know about the Apartheid, it has been mass publicised in most countries, the gory details splayed on newspapers especially during the Truth and Reconciliation trials that took place a few years back (watch Red Dust with Hillary Swank in for visual recount, excellent movie as well). The country went through hell for many decades, it had sanctions put in place, Pepsi was taken off its shelves, companies fled, discrimination in mass proportions, war crimes, bombings, murders, assassinations, burning tyres, massacres, hidden graves, police brutality to name a few. In 1994 Nelson Mandela was released from prison after spending 27 years in total behind bars on Robin Island, he later became President of the country at the first election that was open to all races.

The ANC were victorious and were elected into power, the reins of the country were handed over and the country was filled with hope. They promised houses, jobs, money and freedom to all. Behind the scenes things started to slide, the education policies began to change and the pass rates rose as they fiddled. Houses were in short supply because they soon realised just how many were homeless or living in shacks. They were warned 10 years ago that South Africa will have an electricity shortage if not monitored or if certain actions weren’t put into place. Those actions were not put in place and the country, 10 years down the line, suffered huge shortages with a number of suburbs with out power for days, some for weeks, on end.

No electricity forced the food prices up, the interest rates started soaring and a recession started happening. People started finding it hard to put food on the table, put petrol in their cars to get to work, companies started closing because they themselves couldn’t afford to operate, more jobs lost.

All this was happening but the government refused to accept defeat, it’s spin doctors working over time in order to cover up and manipulate the true facts. The president of the country has been quoted saying “There is no problem in Zimbabwe”, “We do not have a crime problem”, “HIV does not cause AIDS”, “There is no AIDS crisis”, “There is no unemployment problem”, “There is no corruption in government” and the latest “There is no Xenophobia”.

The reality is that there is a major problem in Zimbabwe and the president has been caught on film holding hands with Mugabe (good friends?); There is a murder every 20 minutes, more rapes than that per minute; AIDS is the progressed form of HIV; The latest estimate for unemployment is 40%; The Scorpions have been disbanded because they were seen to be against the government officials - there were over 24 high ranking officals caught in what we called the Travelgate saga, there has been over 100 politicians currently sitting in government that have been found guilty of corruption, they are back in their jobs; A total of 55 deaths due to the current unrest, a further total of 20,000 people now in places of “safety” and that number is rising due to xenophobia.

The army was only called in a week after the unrest started because of how it would look to the world, it has been stated in press statements that they did not want to cause undue concern internationally - the government is also very upset that countries have now put out a warning to all travellers to South Africa.

By covering up the facts, by not being willing to accept failure nor ask for help, by thinking that they knew it all, not admitting that they are learning, by refusing mentorship the predicament is now very close to a state of no repair. The problems that this country now faces are a hundred times worse than it would have been had help been if it hung pride on the hanger and asked for.

The lesson in this for me are:

Never believe you know everything for there is always something to learn, learn from others mistakes and never be ashamed to ask for help or knowledge when you don’t know something.

The damage that can be caused by ignorance and arrogance can cripple you beyond repair.

Be honest, face up to the mistakes you make and admit it freely for it might save both you and fellow man. Don’t admit your mistakes either to yourself or others and you run the risk of repeating them time and time again.

You look a bigger fool when the truth comes out than you would have had you just been up front and straight.

Pride coupled with ego will get you further than no where

and finally…

When your mistakes come to light don’t try to hide them further with propaganda campaigns or blame games - not only will you lose the faith people had in you but also you take the place of alpha idiomungous (Idiomungeous - my word meaning the biggest idiot to walk the planet).

In life and in nature there are always lessons to learn, never be afraid of learning for it might be the one thing that saves your life or that of your fellow man. In everything there is always negative and positive, they are one and the same it is just how we look at it and what we do with it that swings it either way. Amberfireinus just posted Everything happens exactly as it should no matter how things might seem to appear which I feel relates in part to this thought pattern - an excellent read, one I feel so true to life.

Thanks again to everyone for all their kind words and carefullness it means the world, I really do believe that this will all end soon, it has to. I believe that there is an inherent good amongst the people of South Africa and the good will prevail, I am eternal optimist.

A monkey in silk is a monkey no less

Think about it, I know it might sound strange but we are who we are, we can try to be someone else but can you honestly tell me just how long that will last?

Why are we never happy with who we are, who we really are? Do we even know who we are? Sometimes I think not, we are bombarded by what society and other’s say we are that we forget that we have a soul, that we have a core that is constant, that never changes.

Sure the clothes that we put on reflect a certain image to the world, but that is just the image we want to project. I can be a the most vulnerable person on earth only to wear “heavy metal gear” to make myself look stronger, meaner, less vulnerable. For a Board Meeting I will wear a suit that costs a fortune to make myself look smart, professional and give the impression that I know what I am doing when in fact I am a quivering wreck.

We can dress ourselves up, we can change our appearance, we can adopt others way of speech, others way of acting, body language, just about anything we can morph into… but how long does it last before our true character comes out?

The truth of who we are will always come out, perhaps not so evident to everyone else, perhaps more to ourselves. It is this truth that we so often run from to the point that sometimes, when we do let our façades slip, we get upset with ourselves for “letting ourselves” down.

Are we ever happy with ourselves?

If we don’t know who we really are how can we ever expect to love ourselves, be happy with who we are, who we really are? Do we run from ourselves, our core natures, because they do not “fit” in with everyone else around us? What makes us think that everyone else is so perfect? Just because they seem to have it together it doesn’t necessarily mean they really do, perhaps, just perhaps, they are faking just like us…

In the past I lived a fake existence, it served a purpose and I do not regret it. By absorbing and reflecting others “fake cores” I was able to get through a tough time in my life where I was surrounded by a society that did not reflect who I was or how I was. If I had not done it I would not have been able to survive the years that I did, I would not have managed to find roof’s over my head, not managed to sell my art, or make money. Why do I say this? Because one of our greatest fear is being ostracised by who we really are, that is a true reality and happens often, we want to belong. Perhaps I was wrong about the culture of the society I grew up in, I believe I was not, those people were all fake and couldn’t stand the idea of genuine, they proved it to me many times. I kept this shroud of “fakeness” around me for a long time, only letting my true self shine after knowing someone for a while, each time I did I was shocked that they accepted me for who I was, they didn’t run.  Still to this day I am shocked that people like me for me, the genuine me, how funny is that? … or rather how sad is that?

The greatest gift to ourselves is knowing who we are, really are, and loving ourselves for it. Every second person I speak to, if asked what is at their core, they look at me and then start rattling off preconceived notions of the person standing next to them with a sheepish look in their eyes. They reflect what they think others want to hear, what I want to hear.

There is one fact to life that we can’t run from, that it is far easier to recognise others core qualities and reflect them on to ourselves than to take the journey into our deepest depths and acknowledge who we really are, what our core is.

Fake it till you make it by all means, wear a suit to give yourself confidence and to change the perceptions held by others but don’t let it change who you really are. Being fake has its purposes we must just remember not to allow that fake to become our reality.

Get to know yourself, your true self, love yourself for who you are and remember that it really is a gift to everyone else not only to you.

Genuine people inspire others to be genuine, to be themselves… spread the genuine and not the fake, perhaps you will be surprised that people appreciate you more than you know. We are all special and unique in our own right, each has a purpose, don’t shroud your true beauty for it is what we crave to see.

I want to see the real you not the fake you cover in.

Know yourself, be yourself, love yourself and allow us to love you just the way you are…

I like you, do you?

I wonder…

I wonder how many times you’ve been had
And I wonder how many plans have gone bad
I wonder how many times you had sex
I wonder do you know who’ll be next
I wonder I wonder wonder I do

I wonder about the love you can’t find
And I wonder about the loneliness that’s mine
I wonder how much going have you got
And I wonder about your friends that are not
I wonder I wonder I wonder I do

I wonder about the tears in children’s eyes
And I wonder about the soldier that dies
I wonder will this hatred ever end
I wonder and worry my friend
I wonder I wonder wonder don’t you?

I wonder how many times you been had
And I wonder how many dreams have gone bad
I wonder how many times you’ve had sex
And I wonder do you care who’ll be next
I wonder I wonder wonder I do

LIKE JANIS sometimes incorrectly listed as JANE S. PIDDY
2:32
And you measure for wealth by the things you can hold
And you measure for love by the sweet things you’re told
And you live in the past or a dream that you’re in
And your selfishness is your cardinal sin.

And you want to be held with highest regard
It delights you so much if he’s trying so hard
And you try to conceal your ordinary ways
With a smile or a shrug or some stolen cliche.

‘Cos emotionally you’re the same basic trip
And you know that I know of the times that you’ve slipped
So don’t try to impress me, you’re just pins and paint
And don’t try to charm me with things that you ain’t.

And don’t try to enchant me with your manner of dress
‘Cos a monkey in silk is a monkey no less
So measure for measure reflect on my said
And when I won’t see you then measure it dead.

‘Cos don’t you understand, and don’t you look about
I’m trying to take nothing from you
So why should you act so put out for me?

Dear Captors

I would just like to thank you for all that you have done, for all the years you held me in captivity. For the times that you beat me black and blue, abused me, the times you took my ability to walk away, the times you made me think of myself unworthy, the times when I thought I was subhuman and worthless, pathetic and an aberration to the human race.

Those years were the biggest blessing to me, each single moment that you put me through, a lesson for my soul, a lesson to my future, to my now. I will be forever grateful for the survival skills you enforced in me, for making me stronger than I would’ve been without you, for helping me be who I am today.

I want you to know that I do not harbour any grudge, I feel no hate nor anger for what you did to me, only happiness that you did. The years you held me captive are the past, they have no affect on my future, you will never again hold me in your grasp nor will I believe the lies you told me. I will never again believe that I am worthless or pathetic, I will never cower in the corner and take the brunt of your “punishment” for living, for being born, for breathing.

I am not a product nor am I a survivor of all that you did to me but rather a person who has just seen the darker side of life and now appreciates the light, a person with empathy to mankind and to the earth, a person who cares and who feels fully, you have no hold on me.

I may from time to time talk about the years you kept me captive. I do this not to stroke your ego or to enhance what you did but rather to share the lessons that you taught me and to show others that may still be captive that it is possible to break free from your tight grasp.

I would also like to say a big thank you to the fight that is within me, you have protected me when the going was tough, you got me through the darkest days of captivity, when the air was strangled from my very being. You ran on auto-pilot finding corners to sleep in and doors to run out of, when all looked hopeless you kept me going, for that I will be eternally grateful. Thank you.

I want you to know that I have broken free from you, I breathe full breathes with a real smile on my face, I laugh until I cry and you know what?

I love myself and I love you too

Me

Needing love to feel worth

I think it is really something to know your own worth and appreciate it without needing other people to substantiate or confirm it. To really love yourself and to love who you are, to know yourself and who you are, to be yourself and who you really are is quite possibly one of the most difficult things in life.

Our insecurities can drag us down, they can make us do things which all seem to hurt us in the end. I was with a cocaine addict for longer than I should have been because I started to feel that is all I was worth, that that was my lot in life and I just had to deal with it, it was all I was worth. For those who have travelled with me in the blogosphere will know there is more to that, point is that I was looking for worth in the wrong places.

I attached worth to the relationship that reflected my own self worth, right or wrong?

Truth is that I don’t think anything in this world will make us happy unless we are happy with ourselves for ourselves, not for anyone else just ourselves. We might meet our soul mate but if we are not at peace with ourselves what are the chances of that relationship lasting?

I once heard a saying “You shouldn’t be with someone because you need them but rather because you want to be with them” - Need is often outgrown, what will fill that void when it does?

So often we don’t see it as need, we just want to be loved, have someone to go home to, someone that fills us, we think that is what it is all about, we believe that we are not whole until we have someone else in our lives that loves us, we believe that if we are single we are an anomaly and that we are worthless. Often to add fuel to the fire, we are asked about our partners, we are asked when we are going to get one - worth is added to our needs.

Self worth and respect is more important than anything else, without it the reality is that no matter how much you love something or someone, if it’s purpose is to fill a hole, it will fade, move on and outgrow.

How can you truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself?

How can you respect someone else if you don’t respect yourself?

How can you give freely if you don’t give to yourself?

Need - something that is temporary, fills an immediate gap/hole, is a necessity

Want - something that lasts, adds to you, is something you choose, you desire

Loving yourself is key…

… just another rambling by a wondering soul …