Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from New Zealand he bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a South African girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
No I am not talking about the operating system, I am talking about an African saying that has been blown out by the Western world.
What is the real Ubuntu?
Pronounced as uu-Boon-too or uu-Bun-too.
Ubuntu, also known as Unhu in other parts of Africa, is an ethical philosophy held by many Africans and now Westerners (First World) that focuses on how we treat one another and the purpose there of, why we do. It’s a word describing an African world view, which translates as “I am because you are,” and which means that individuals need other people to be fulfilled. It is a way of living, it is how you treat your fellow man, it is how you respect them and understand that their beliefs help form the bigger picture, their situations are for purpose.
So many people try to explain it, put it into words, but often come undone with the mere fact that it is more a way of being, it is a feeling, a way of living, the way you are and not easily explained in the context of words. ArchbishopDesmond Tutu, in my books, gave the best description by far with his words
“It is the essence of being human. It speaks of the fact that my humanity is caught up and is inextricably bound up in yours. I am human because I belong. It speaks about wholeness, it speaks about compassion. A person with Ubuntu is welcoming, hospitable, warm and generous, willing to share. Such people are open and available to others, willing to be vulnerable, affirming of others, do not feel threatened that others are able and good, for they have a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that they belong in a greater whole. They know that they are diminished when others are humiliated, diminished when others are oppressed, diminished when others are treated as if they were less than who they are. The quality of Ubuntu gives people resilience, enabling them to survive and emerge still human despite all efforts to dehumanise them.”
Another way of putting it is in the Zulu sentence “Umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu” meaning a person is a person through other people.
Nelson Mandela describes Ubuntu as
“A traveller through a country would stop at a village and he didn’t have to ask for food or for water. Once he stops, the people give him food, entertain him. That is one aspect of Ubuntu but it will have various aspects. Ubuntu does not mean that people should not address themselves. The question therefore is: Are you going to do so in order to enable the community around you be able to improve?“
The western explanation of Ubuntu I think is “one hand washes the other”.
In reality we can not survive without each other, we breathe, we live but all the while we only truly survive when we are helping each other. Ubuntu is the opposite of selfish, it is the opposite of envy and greed and the most beautiful thing about it? It isn’t linked to any religion, it is the heart beat of Africa.
All things in the world are as they are meant to be, it is all part of the bigger picture and no one man is better than the other, we are all equal.
Sadly not all Africans follow the ancient teachings of Ubuntu. As it is in any culture old traditions get forgotten and times change, it doesn’t mean it has to die.
We can not be one without the other, Ubuntu, it is the true spirit of Africa
Keep Ubuntu alive
I am African, I am Worldian, I follow Ubuntu how about you?
Post Note: Please take note that when I talk about Africans it may not be as the “world” sees it, I am not talking about race, the colour of the skin. No I am talking about anyone who is born on African soil, they are all Africans.
Apparently the Zimbabwe elections had the biggest turn out ever, people flocked in droves to cast their fair vote, indeed it was both democratic and fair, it was just as South Africa’s president said it would be.
When you speak to someone that is there, watching, voting, looking and seeing everything for what it is it has a tendency to fill you with a slight dose of rage.
Yes apparently everyone turned up for the elections, the reason? Yes there were free buses, cars, people were really helped to get to the polling stations. They went freely because they were told that, if they didn’t have the mark, violet dye on their index finger, the army would attack and kill them along with their family. Yip fabulous turn out as you can imagine, everyone had seen by then that these threats were meant, everyone had heard the screems.
The democratic and fair part, Mr Mbeki, comes in when lines upon lines of people stand waiting to cast their free vote. They stand for hours surrounded by big army tanks, finally they get to cast their vote only to have big army thugs check your voting paper to see if you’ve voted for Mugabe. If you were clever and ticked the box next to Dictators name you get a free pass, you get your life. If you didn’t vote Mugabe? Oh, no worries we hit you over the head with our little big guns, beat you till you can’t walk let alone breathe any more. Sorry you have kids, yeah sure we’ll do the same to them.
Free, fair and democratic, this is the definition in Africa
Ok so the news on the street is that Mugabe has actually lost his mind (no shit shurlock) and that the army is actually in control, Mugabe is but a muppet puppet now. Everyone thinks, and I have to agree with them, the army is shitting themselves because if Mugabe loses they will all be up for war crimes by the Hague. Makes sense.
I am sick of hearing about how fair the elections are in Zimbabwe, I am sick of speaking to family and friends hearing their horrors, hearing of the beatings, the senseless attacks, the beatings, the lawlessness.
Everyone that I have spoken to asks this question…
Why have the big “world” powers not stepped in like Afghanistan, like Iraq, like anywhere else … is it because they don’t have oil? is it because they are poor?
Hey those are the questions I’m just repeating them
Am I angry?
Nah
All I can really say is…
Leaders of Africa and leaders of the world… grow some balls!
Ok lets look at life in Africa and why in particular I want to leave. Some say that I am just running away while others say that I should be more patriotic.
I beg to differ, firstly in other countries you get Cinnamon toothpaste, you get Apple Butter, Coke with Vitamins and Starbucks. Then of course the fact that our newspapers have gotten to the point where by the headlines read “Wife survives armed robbery” instead of the normal “Robbery gone bad”. Here robberies are normally deathly so the mere fact that she survived is a pure miracle.
Perhaps its the lack of poisonous gas inhalation or perhaps it is the fact that the polls are closed and Mugabe’s forces are armed to the hilt. How sick must a person be to go ahead with an election when you have intimidated every soul that breathes in your country, when the opposition leader is hiding out in the Dutch embassy? How arrogant, senile and jut plain pathetic must you be? Personally I think he just suffers from S.D.S. and is in dire need of a transplant because one thing that is for sure, no inoculation for the politicus bullshiticus virus will work on that magnaerosolus (a really impressively large aerosol)
I’m not going to get into it any further other than that, I’ve deleted a book of rants about today’s headlines alone. No point in bitching about something you can’t change, just get 4 metre high electrified fencing.
Here is the juice on Hi-jackings, perhaps it will educate you on how to get a job as a carjacker or how to prevent one, guess the “what” is up to you…
Before you read on here is a “glossary”
“White area” is a multi racial community that is well off, it is called a white area due to the fact that it was once populated with only that colour walls.
“Sangoma” is a traditional healer that can put potions together, heal AIDS, cure all sorts of strange and wonderful diseases just by mixed a few bones, herbs and well you get the idea.
“Bakkies” Is what I think Americans call a 1 tonner truck? It is the open air transport system here in Africa.
It is R8.50 to every $1
If there is anything else, shout
“HIJACKING MADE EASY - Repentant Car Hijacker Explains How it is Done” A repentant car hijacker (2 stole and hijacked cars for more than 14 years before deciding to go straight. Now he is a struggling fashion designer who presents motivational talks at schools in Orange Farm, south of Joburg, discouraging youngsters from doing crime. He spoke to Denis Droppa about the murky world of vehicle crime.
Q. 1: Are most cars hijacked on order by syndicates?
Answer: Yes, I would get a phone call to deliver a certain type of car by a certain deadline, and then we’d go out and search for one. If they needed it quickly, I would hijack. If I had a bit more time I’d steal a parked car, as it was safer.
Q. 2: Which types of vehicles are the most popular amongst hijackers?
Answer: We would get orders to steal just about anything. Double-cab bakkies, any make, were in very high demand. Also, “G-strings” (BMW 3-series), Polo’s, Mercedes and Toyotas. I’d get paid a lot more for a double-cab, around R16 000, but only about R500 to R6 000 for a car. If it was an expensive car like the “Anaconda” (BMW 7-series) I could get about 15 grand, though.
Q. 3: Which cars have the lowest hijack risk?
Answer: There’s no such thing. There’s a demand for all sorts of cars, old and new. If the vehicle isn’t sold then it’s stripped for spares. The only thing there isn’t really an interest in is expensive exotics. I once stole a Ferrari from a garage just for fun, drove it around for a while and then left it back at the garage.
Q. 4: Do most of the cars that aren’t stripped end up beyond our borders?
Answer: No, a lot stay in the country. They are given new identities, re-registered and sold here.
Q. 5: How effective are modern anti-theft and tracking systems?
Answer: When I was stealing cars three years ago, most of them were a joke. I could break into almost any car and drive it away within minutes. Some cars were very advanced and a lot of work to steal though, like Volvos. With tracking systems, it was usually very easy to find where the device was hidden. While one guy drove the car, his accomplices would strip the interior looking for the tracker’s hiding place. Then sometimes we’d place the tracking unit into a taxi and trick the police and the helicopters into following the taxi. Nowadays the tracking systems are getting a lot better though, with quicker response times, and towards the end I nearly got caught a couple of times.
Q. 6: How did you learn how to override these high-tech systems?
Answer: Experience, and learning from other car thieves. We all shared information. If I was having difficulty with a particular car, sometimes I’d dress up nicely and go to a dealer posing as a customer. I’d ask the salesman how good the anti-theft system was on that car and he would give me all the details.
Q. 7: What was your hijacking modus operandi?
Answer: We would get people in their driveways, on the way to work or on their way home. Rainy weather is the best time to steal cars. When it’s raining it makes it more difficult for the tracking helicopters to find you.
Q. 8: In a hijacking did you normally go for soft targets like women?
Answer: No, I could take on anyone. I was a professional. Some people wore guns but never got a chance to use them as I was too fast. I’d stick my gun right in their faces and they wouldn’t give me any trouble. That’s why I never shot or hurt anyone; I was against that. A friend of mine sometimes shot people he hijacked and he used to wake up with nightmares.
Q. 9: Which areas did you target?
Answer: Any white suburb, it didn’t matter. I never stole in the townships because people were poor there. I also didn’t rob black people.
Q 10: Is that because you don’t like whites?
Answer: No, it’s because darkies are dangerous. If you rob them, they go to a Sangoma who would “take care” of you.
Q. 11: How much money did you make?
Answer: A lot, but I wasted it all. It was easy come, easy go. Some money would go to police and judges and prison officials in bribes. I got caught a few times but was never convicted. Bribing a police officer to lose a docket cost about R2 000 to R5 000. The only time I spent in jail was awaiting trial. Then I’d bribe the prison guard to help me escape.
Q. 12: Is this the norm, or were you lucky?
Answer: I knew how to find the loopholes and beat the system. Some of my friends were caught and convicted to 8 or 12 years or more.
Q. 13: What made you stop crime?
Answer: I saw I had nothing to show for all those years. I felt guilty for what I’d done and wanted to achieve something in my life. That’s why I do community work persuading other people not to do crime, and I’m also a fashion designer. I’m struggling with money now. My sewing machine broke and I can’t afford to fix it, but I won’t go back to crime. That life is a stupid life.
Q. 14: What is your advice to motorists to avoid hijacking?
Answer: Look out for people following you. Some hijackers spot a car they want and follow the person home. Be aware. If you’re suspicious, make a few false turns and see if that car is still behind you. If it is, drive to a police station.
Ok folks it seems that everyone in the country is confused.
I spoke to a 5 year old the other day (yes not all of them are scared of me) and when I asked this little sample human who the president was… the kids answer was “Nelson Mandela” … yes dahlink we all wish this was the case but alas no.
The new word these days is “kill” normally used in the context of “We will kill for Zuma” (Zuma is next in line presidentosser). When put on the spot about this new chant and slogan of the youth league, Julius Melagomaniac Malema states that there is nothing wrong with getting the youth to chant about killing, besides apparently according to him, it is all Mandela’s fault for breaking free from Apartheid… Huh? For the record the word “kill” now means “support till death” … much like Nazi days, yes?
It seems our Government don’t even know who’s who in the zoo or rather jungle. I am however extremely surprised that the current leading party hasn’t blamed the mistake on the opposing team stating “It is the DA’s fault, they tried to manipulate the system to gain favours”. Sorry just that would be a pot calling the kettle black.
Mr Presidentosser your nation solutes you and the rest of Africa want’s your ass fired… “Zimbabwe’s leaders were approaching their country’s complex problems in a serious manner “in order to arrive at a stable solution. I’m glad to say that the leaders of Zimbabwe… are approaching this matter in that way,” he said… sorry erm come again? *shrug* Yers I will kiss your shoes sir but please please don’t infect me with politicus-bullshiticus cause I’ve had all my inoculations I swear!
My world is an amazing place, just today from where I sit in my safe little house, I heard gun shots going off again, screeching cars, speeding cop cars and who knows what else but boy did they announce themselves. So I decided to read the news only to find myself shaking my head in feigned shock.
Huge headlines “Zim vote won’t be fair” - No kidding, thanks for sharing, we honestly didn’t know it would be anything but fair. I mean things are just perfect over there right? According to the South African president, one Mr Mbeki, there is no crisis in Zimbabwe, there is no unrest nor is there any reason to worry. We must believe our president, he is our leader after all.
Next headline says that he is going to have a spot of tea with his buddy, the one he walks around holding hands with, one Mr Mugabe. I wonder if he is going to go for a tour around the country and witness the 500,000 starving children on the streets or whether he will go visit the latest opposing party’s casualty who just happened to be attacked by large panga’s (swords) losing limbs… I wonder I do.
On a different note, perhaps not too different, I have a question… So Mugabe says that the opposing party, the MDC, will never rule in his life time. Why is it that they are still going to hold elections? Does Mugabe know perhaps something we don’t?
Oh yes, sorry, he had a massive shipment of arms just delivered *smacks herself on the head*
Zuma, the president of the leading party (I know confusing) is smiling, apparently the youth league are willing to kill for him, willing to die for him, willing to do what ever he wants, no questions asked. This reassures me I must say, I am so overjoyed that they will don’t believe in the saying “Where there is smoke there is fire”. If they did there would be so much unhappiness, well, I just wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Thank goodness no one can see the smoke, back in the courts for corruption and possible bribery, his buddy Sheik’s appeal being thrown out for the hundredth time… phew I am so happy they can’t see the smoke, can you just imagine?
Hmmm and he was upset when the xenophobics chanted his song “Bring me my AK47, ttt ttt tttah!”… at least they are willing to kill for him *shrug*
Fuel prices are on the rise again, I am so relieved that the government is only increasing the tax portion and not the actual cost of the fuel. We are now going to be paying 40% of what we pay for fuel over to the rich government all the while our bankruptcy rates are up because. Who would’ve thought pay increases were necessary to the general public. Phew did you hear about Eskom (electricity) boss’ bonus? Apparently he did such a good job the country ran out of power, continually suffers from major black outs and they now have the opportunity of increasing the prices a measly 60%.
Oh dang, sorry, not allowed to call them black outs anymore, I meant periods without power as the newspaper said we should call it…. Hmmm I wonder how long black airwaves chewing gum will last seen as Tin Tin has now been banned…
Thumbs up for TAC our local AIDS activists took our Health Minister to court because she is following tge one and only Matthias Rath in his “Vitamins cures Aids” saga”. Apparently she is most upset about it but has said that she will not take the judgement handed down by the courts any further. Yeah, you know Matthias Rath, the guy that was thrown out of Netherlands, Germany, Austria, France and the USA… Before I forget it has just come to light that she is a convicted thief. Apparently she stole jewellery from patients in a Botswana hospital, she was thrown into the courts and now she is banned from ever entering there again. Yes, she is our Health Minister.
I don’t know, honestly I don’t. We’ve just had our “estimated” 50ieth living death. I think we now have the world record on this amazing miracle. Being dead with a beating heart is no mean feat folks, it takes practice beyond the imaginable. Though I must say it probably can be quite a pain when you want to collect your pension from the state as poor Andries found out “For quite a few months, I didn’t even know what I had died of”. If I was him I’d call up the coroner for sure and demand my autopsy report! The cheek of it!!! Please note that he is now known as “Late Andries”.
Don’t be too shocked if you read the papers and find yourself being transported back to the time of the Salem witch trials folks. Afraid to say that Kenya has picked up the trail a bitty late and so far has managed to capture 18 witches. What are they doing with the witches? Go read up on the history of Salem.
Please note that South Africa is actually quite a safe country. Our Postal Service is one of the best in the world I’ll have you know. So good that Amazon has now blacklisted it. Yip, you heard that right. Amazon has officially taken South Africa off its shipping destinations list. To be honest, I am quite shocked that it took them so long, considering 10 years ago we watched a special bulletin of the staff caught on CCTV cameras opening all packages and taking what they wanted. Now I have been thinking about this and I’ve always wanted to do a little bit of “pay back”. What is the freakiest thing you can think of to ship? This post is not PG rated so you must rather use your imagination and ten to one what I am thinking of shipping here is 100 times worse
But can you just imagine their faces as they go through the parcel???
South Africa is the top destination in Africa… No other African country’s postal service had been blacklisted by Amazon… *shrug*
Please note, in the words of our dear president who must be trusted, honoured and bowed down to… “We do not have a crime problem, we do not have an AIDS problem, HIV is not related to AIDS, There is no crisis in Zimbabwe, I am not friends with Mugabe, We do not have an electricity problem, There is no xenophobic unrest nor is there a problem”
*PG Rating - read at your own discretion due to language. It is not my fault it is the language of the nation. You are warned…
Before you arrive:
All tourists visiting South Africa should come hungry and with an open mind. Please do not take this suggestion lightly as it is well known that have a severe love for food and grape juice.
South Africans have a unique palette and eat just about everything. Traditional dishes can range from Sheep brains to Termites, dried out salted meat (biltong) and especially cakes. The one thing you are in for when visiting South Africa is a treat like none other!
Below you will find useful descriptions, recipe’s and common slang words. Please note that South African’s often use food names as nicknames and/or swear words.
Hot Drinks
Most popular by far is the Afrikaans coffee called Moer Koffie which, roughly translated, means F**ked coffee or beaten up coffee. It’s flavour is unique in that it tastes very similar to cardboard, possibly due to it being whacked continually by a log of wood before being brewed in a tin pot over an open fire.
Should you wish to try this coffee out before landing in SA, you can do so as follows:
a) Placing a minimum of 10 coffee beans in a linen bag and hitting it with a blunt object until crushed beyond oblivion, or
b) Buying Koffiehuis from your local South African shop, or
c) If you are a cheap skuit (scrooge) then the third option is for you. Take cheap instant coffee and filter it through fine cardboard. Please ensure that a cup or mug is under the cardboard as it can get quite messy. Cheap is never clean.
Slang: As you can see from the advert on right, the word moer is used often in daily life. Normal use is “I’m going to moer him”. Please be warned that should you say this to a local you yourself might get moered.
Cakes, Biscuits and yummy things
One thing you should know before you begin to consider visiting South Africa is the fact that we love cakes of any shape, size and flavour. It is recommended that you go on a serious diet before landing as you are guaranteed to pick up a minimum of 10kg’s by the the time you return to your home country.
Beskuit: a dried out cake that is flavoured by a wide variety of goodies with the most popular brand being Ouma’s Rusks (Grandma’s). Please note that these boxes do not come with warnings or eating instructions and you must please take note of the following before devouring. These rusks can be as hard as rocks, they are solid and dense. In order to eat these you must first dunk them into a fresh cup of Moer koffie or your local brand of PG Tips. Should you fail to do this please see a dentist as soon as humanly possible!
Slang: A person of slow nature, one who’s lift doesn’t reach the top floor. Should you omit the “bes” part of the word you will be telling someone to go s**t themselves i.e. gaan skuit. Other slang (buscuit): Cookie, twit. In America, a biscuit is a scone with no sugar. In South Africa, a biscuit is actually a cookie. Some favourites are Marie, Romany Creams, Nuttikrust and Eet Sum Mor. Common use: “John, you biscuit!”
Koeksusters: A doughnut of a different kind plaited and woven together with the end product being 90% sugar. When eating a koeksuster it is recommended that napkins are covering your clothes in all directions as spillages are guaranteed. The word comes from the Dutch koek (”cake”) and sissen, meaning “to sizzle” and boy does it add sizzle to your dizzle. This cake is so popular that the right-wing enclave of Orania in the Northern Cape even has its own statue to the koeksister.
Slang: A person of who is either übber conservative or someone who dresses in the popular fashion of wearing stilettos with sweat pants/tracksuit pants.
Other popular cakes:Melktert (highly recommended). Please note that you should not be shocked while visiting a local for tea. Being served a whole melktert is not uncommon, this is mainly due to the fact that the locals believe that sharing their tarts is much like sharing a spouse, not done.
Meat & Ocean bound creatures
There are two traditional meats that get every local flapping in excitement and the majority of South African’s living abroad drool everytime they hear the words… Biltong and Boerewors.
Biltong:Very similar to the American Jerky but called biltong for the fact that it sounds more larny (smart). It is raw meat hung up to dry after soaking in a tub of vile vinegar and spices for a couple of days. It is very popular with the locals and foreigners alike, for what reason I can not confirm *shivers*
Slang: A biltong is someone who is raw / crude… similar to a jerk
Boerewors (vorse): Farm style sausage or “wors made from hundreds of top secret spices and beef/venison. A form of boerewors is that of an Ostrich, normally only once they have retired from the transport game. Ostriches are special in South Africa and it is not uncommon to see sign posts requesting travellers not to blow their horns due to them getting laid. Note to locals: Stop drooling at the picture
Try out first:Boerewors recipe - Please don’t tell anyone where you found this recipe, I am breaking the Omertà and I fear them hunting me down… please I beg of you do NOT take this lightly!
Slang: Most common is that of the “Boerewors Curtain”. This is any Afrikaans speaking district, usually rural. Other forms of slang I can not mention but your imagination can run wild.
Bokkoms:Bokkoms are Harders (Mullet) that are salted, then strung into bunches and hung up to dry, pretty much raw fish. Please note that this is not consumed by the locals but rather is sold to visitors in the guise of a traditional dish. The reason for this is the locals need for entertainment due to the constant short supply of electricity and subsequently, TV.
Try out first: Due to the high probability of lawsuits I have made the executive decision to not provide the recipe.
Slang: A smelly person
Traditional Dishes
Bobotie:Often mispronounced Bob bow tie as seen on the left, apologies this is not what bobotie is unless of course you know a Bob that wears bow ties. It is in fact the image on the right.
Fokol Wine can be found in most supermarkets and tourist hot spots. The direct translation can be seen under the slang section. This wine looks a lot like watered down cherry juice and tastes much like “rotten spirit vinegar” but the sheer fact that you are drinking “fokol” certainly lifts the spirits a bit.
Slang: Fokol is Afrikaans for the English form of f**k all. Please note that we also have a very popular rock band called fokofpolisiekar, naturally from Cape Town.
Mampoer (mum-poo-er) or witblitz (vit-blitz) Potent home-made distilled alcohol, much like the American moonshine. The word means “white lightning” in Afrikaans.
Medical Warning: Please note that should you have a weak constitution avoid sampling this particular form of local alcohol. Locals have strong livers due to the general mass consumption that takes place during teen years and thus can withstand far greater amounts of alcohol than the average European. The only other country who can consume Mampoer with ease is Australia.
Another Warning: Please note the word moer can be found in Mampoer, it is for a reason! Be careful of this substance, there is a reason why it is illegal to ship it over the borders.
Amerula One of the most popular drinks in Southern Africa, one that will make you feel at home and comfortable with the strange customs you may find yourself surrounded by. A fine drink of creamy nature with secret venom that will make your legs suddenly give way once you stand up to venture towards the WC’s. Please watch the following video clip, it explains the pros and cons as well as possible dangers.
NATIONAL FOOD WARNING TO ALL FOREIGNERS:
Please be careful of where you walk otherwise it is you that will be food!
Should you be lazy like I am and find yourself wanting to sample some or all of these delicious food items you can find a store near you STORES
Over the last couple of months I have shared essential details for every tourist wanting to visit South Africa.
First there was the African Questioned which included details about our postal system, the animals we have as pets and long distance travel options. Then of course there was the photo post of local sights (Why South African’s are Special) to make the tourist feel more at home when they arrive in the country. Followed by the local lingo and customs in the post entitled Proudly South African. Ending off with the most recent addition to the series, Tourism Q&A, in which all the normal questions we receive on our Tourism website are answered.
Today we are going to cover Public Transport and the many different forms available, what is lekker (nice), shweet (beautiful), safer, cheaper, larny (smart as) and fast-like-cheetah! (very fast, pronounced very fast as well).
2-Legs
Here in Africa it is found that 2-legs transport is still the cheapest form of getting around. Many have been known to walk from Cape Town to Johannesburg. This trip however will take you approximately 2 weeks depending on the fitness of 2-legs.
Admittedly not many do long distances using the 2-legs system due to the extended time frame needed to get from point A to point B or Z. The benefits however are numerous, not only do you save money but you also get to see some of the countries hidden beauties, walk amongst wild animals and play real life snakes and ladders.
Open-air Taxi
Should you prefer not to use 2-legs then there are numerous open air taxi’s available. Please note that there is a limit of 21 passengers max.
One of the greatest benefits of using open-air taxi’s is the fact that, should you catch one just after washing your hair, there will be no need to spend hours blow drying it. Hop on one of these taxi’s and wham bam thank you mam your hair is styled pronto supo!
Tourist warning: Please remember to wear a raincoat during thunderstorms while travelling by open-air taxi’s. Thank you.
No-air or Bullet Taxi
These larney mini-vans are well known for their speed and creating routes out of nothing. They can weave in between traffic, both on coming and passing, with ease and agility much like cooked spaghetti. A Bullet Taxi can hold up to 24 passengers including goats.
Please note that, should you find a larny taxi available, take it! These generally have air conditioners and aerosols, fully equipped with Ministry of Sound whoooofer systems and TV Screens. If you are really lucky you may catch one with a built in barsteward or two serving their best (very rare).
Travel Warning: Should you wish to travel via this method please remember to take along your nose plugs as you might find a goats posterior close to your head.
Fast-like-cheeeeeetah!
This surprisingly is not very popular amongst the locals due to the speed in which you travel. One reason for this is the fact that being strapped onto a cheetah’s behind can be both bumpy due to it’s immense speed and lack of shock absorbers. Secondly the cheetah has a slight tendency to be boney and does not sport a comfortable couchass.
For the above mentioned reasons travel byOstrich has become increasingly popular.This large bird hasseating for two, luxurious seat covers and comes withthe added bonus of under-feather heating.
Tourist Warning: Although travelling by Ostrich is luxurious and comfortable please note, however, that by using this form of transport you might lose all shiny objects that you carry on your person. They will be removed by pecking order for it is what the Ostriches do. The Ostrich code: Shiny and sparkly = yum YUM squaaawk
New Initiative by SA Tourism Board
Due to much confusion experienced by tourists visiting South Africa, the Department of Tourism has put together a few short movie clips to explain the countries customs, best methods of transport and the dangers.
Tourist Warning: It is highly recommended that before landing in South Africa you study all educational videos listed and take note of the customs. Not doing so will bring the locals out in force leaving you with not a moments peace. We will be releasing a safety checklist and quick escape plan from a local’s home shortly.
Romance in South Africa For the romantic traveller, please watch the below clip for information on the do’s and don’ts of courting someone within South Africa’s borders. Please note that doing it any other way will bring stares and gasps.
Tourist Warning: It is now illegal for anyone under the age of 16 to hold hands or kiss, for more information please read here.
Day-2-Day living and Recommended SFC Transport (Safest, Fastest, Cheapest)
We have put together a short movie clip showing the day to day normality found in any South African home. Please take note of the way most South Africans prepare their food, the appliances they use as well as obvious problems if you are tall in stature.
Recommended SFC Transport is viewable from 1:28 onwards. This form of transport is very popular with the locals due to its speed, the rising costs of fuel/gas and intense congestion problems found on South African Freeways.
Tourist warning: Please note that it is recommended that you practice this in your home land before trying it out in South Africa. The locals will use you for target practice.
Should you not have the required apparatus available to you, you may also consider the below movie clip.
I received a comment on one of my posts related to South Africa. I write this because I will not approve it but would like to state why I have made such a decision.
The comment was factual to a point the point that the numbers of murders it listed, the number of deaths caused by our current unrest and the past permanent unrest, the rapes as well as the current stand point of our government were correct. The comment however was also one sided.
I will not approve any comments that incite racism of any kind nor hate. The fact that I do this does not mean that I don’t see reality for what it is nor does it mean that I will remain silent. It does however mean that I am not one sided.
Does this make me wrong?
Does this imply that I don’t see reality for what it is?
In my opinion the answer is a resounding no.
To the person who wrote the comment, your views are noted, as they are on other websites, both public forums and the like. I don’t dispute the facts just your medium of sharing them. If this offends you then I am sorry, it is the way it is.
Veels geluk met wat jy doen, ek hou net nie van nie.
I am South African, I am colourless, my blog will remain so.
I am in the mood for a laugh so I thought I’d share these Questions and Answers from a Tourism site here in SA that I managed to get off GPSA. The questions were answered by the site owner. I laughed so hard I almost cracked a rib, I am still giggling away - perhaps it is just me that has gone insane *shrug*
*Hillbrow is one of the dodgiest places in South Africa, it is the place to go for things under the belt and then some…
Enjoy…
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
stole and hijacked cars for more than 14 years before deciding to go straight. Now he is a struggling fashion designer who presents motivational talks at schools in Orange Farm, south of Joburg, discouraging youngsters from doing crime. He spoke to Denis Droppa about the murky world of vehicle crime.
