Ok I know my normal “limit” is one joke a day but I haven’t been able to stop laughing for the last half an hour so just had to share this one that I received from a very “innocent” friend… OMG my tummy hurts! (ok perhaps it is because it is so something that would happen to me!)

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!”

Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

]]> http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/short-minis-and-buses/feed/ SanityFound http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/i-love-that-pig/ http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/i-love-that-pig/#comments Fri, 04 Jul 2008 14:24:26 +0000 InSanityFound http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/04/i-love-that-pig/

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (OMG gross)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) …… (I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don’t try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

(I just love that pig….!)

Perhaps a hidden gem that always calms me down in a sense - today I guess I need it more than ever, so this song is for anyone who needs some “calming”

Hopefully the Angels are listening in…

Angel of mine
Help me to fly
Help me to touch the sky
Help me to find my life.
Angel of mine
Show me the light
Help me to change my thoughts
Help me to free my soul
Help me to love this life.
Angel of mine
Open my eyes
Help me to understand
Your secret of being.
Angel of mine
Help me to fly
Help me to touch the sky
Help me to find my life.
Angel of mine
Show me the light
. . .

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said ‘Don’t you know who I am?’

‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?’

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute.’

‘Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??’

‘Yep’, was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid??’ asked Satan.

‘Nope.’

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied……

‘Been married to your sister for 68 years

I am the definition of contradiction, I am the Queen Mason and Patient Gardener, I am both and all at the same time.

From the age of naught, since the time I was but a spec on the imagination of my mother and possibly my fathers mind’s, I have been the Gardener in the people I meet’s lives. A wilting flower? No sweat I will water that sagging flower within you until it blooms once more in all its wonderful colour and array. That is who I am, that is how I have always been, that is how I will always be.

All the while I water your spiritual garden I neglect mine, instead of doing the required regular weed pulling, planting and watering I build walls. Walls around my spirit, my soul, who I really am, I hide. I am the expert in where these walls go, how they are built, how high they should go and what bricks to use. I am the Queen of Masonry.

I understand that in order for me to water your garden I have to do at least a bit of tending to my own, but not to the levels I should have. After all How much water can be thrown over a high wall? How easy is it planting a gorgeous orchid when you are balancing on the top of a wall the height of a skyscraper? Not easy, no. Perhaps my strength in tending to other peoples spiritual gardens is so strong for the fact that I have never really concentrated on my own. My gardening skills are unbalanced if you will.

When you are in a relationship, be it with a partner or with a friend, there are always three gardens to attend to much like the picture below - yours, mine and ours.

Firstly, on the left is your garden that you yourself need to tend to, look after, water, plant and weed.

Then on the right is your partners or friends garden, they to have to water, plant and weed making sure that it survives and grows.

Then finally we get the garden in the middle, our garden, this to needs to be watered, weeded and new plants planted every now and then.

If one of these three gardens is not being attended to then it becomes unbalanced, in discord and will start to resemble something much like a dead ant sucked dry by a leech, it can happen so fast, with a blink an eye, poof all dried out.

Look after your own garden too much and the other two get neglected, enough neglect and they slowly wither and die. The same is true when it comes to looking after the other two gardens more than your own, just this time yours is the one that withers.

All three gardens can be healthy and thriving, the balance perfect in the sense that all gardens are being weeded, watered and encouraged to grow but this takes hard work and practice. Just like anything else, like any garden, you can’t just put a garden together and expect it to grow. No, unfortunately you need to know which kind of plants work best under the different weather conditions, which plants need shade and which prefer full sunlight, how much to water them and what to plant next to them. Then on top of that “knowledge” you also need to think about the colours, sizes and fragrances of the plants you’re putting in your garden, do they compliment each other? Do they work well on the “whole”? and finally do they compliment the middle garden and in turn the third garden?

Now if you are a good mason such as I am, your garden will be filled with walls ranging from little hurdles through to impressive skyscrapers. How do you know where to plant the plants in your garden when you need to travel through an intricate maze first? Never mind knowing where to plant, how do you know what to plant because the sunlight falls differently depending on the day, month and season. The best yet is, how do you know what has already been planted if you can’t see over the walls in the first place?

With all that in mind how can we ever expect to know if someone else’s garden compliments ours if we don’t know what we have to begin with.

We are all masons in our own right, some of us are better with more experience, we all build walls. It is what we do with those walls that matters. Do we leave them up as permanent fixtures or do we instead break them down and use the remaining bricks in a water feature or paving the path in between the flower beds…. What we do is up to us.

I never knew what was in my garden, I was always busy watering others more than my own, the walls sky high, the sunlight very rarely filtered in. Ultimately, no matter what I did, I would never find the perfect partner or the friend that complimented my personality, my nature or my plants.

I still have many many walls to break down, 29 years worth of walls, all of them different sizes, densities and heights. I am retiring as the pro-mason now, I am handing in my wall making tools.

I am now a full time gardener, how about you?

Ok so while I was busy flipping through the family albums looking for photos of Joy and Deeps I came across a few (just a few) of DM.

(above left) As you can see our big brother was a cutie pie right from birth, sources close to him tell me that he still is in the habit of putting his index finger into his mouth when he wants somethink… (above right) Ahhh the teenage years of misspent youth, not happy with just using a fishing rod, nooo DM had to try spear fishing with fish no bigger than your thumb. Between you and me though he got quite good at (please don’t tell him you know, please I beg you)

(left) Yip, that’s him all smarted out and driving away from the traffic officer he didn’t knock over having passed his driver’s test. Yes it is believed that he bribed them with a crate of Amber’s chocolate dipped strawberries… need I say more?

(above left) Our man the wiz kid, yers he is well known amongst humans as the smartest chimp alive, at one stage he even appeared on TV. Here he is battling it out with a 9 year old sample human - of course he won don’t be silly, sheesh it was against a sample!!! (above right) Yes, then all hell broke loose, the sample human he played chess against had a human father and an adopted daughter who he just happened to eye.

(above left) They were soon seen having royal tea parties and chimpin’ around like two kids in a zoo (very well behaved of course) … After that first tea supervised tea party though it was tickets for young DM, he was soon found lying under the summer sun, grass out of his mouth singing renditions of a certain love song… He can be seen singing on the left of sister Joy on the right (yes that is lipstick you see there) Below is a cover version recently done by some or other female chimp.

(above left) This boy had his priorities straight and soon as they could they got hitched at a small chapel. This photo I managed to get off one of my paparazzi sources who snapped this one of them holding hands while on honeymoon, awws don’t they look cutes! (notice his toes, yes I to suspect one to many pina-cool-aids) (above right) Yip and all in the space of just a few years… I am the proud Aunty of 6!

(above left) Kids all produced DM and wifey decided to start a B&B in the country side taking in all sorts of wonderful people including rock stars and the likes there of. Yes, don’t be fooled by that innocent face, seen above right, he is quite the party animaaaal.

(above left) Ahhh with age our big bruffa has finally started to settle down (well he tries to make us think that in any case) and is now often seen walking his monster dog through the fields of Iowa (not Jima)… and yes he has been approached many times to model those dungarees sadly has declined due to his distaste of the media. Instead he purcharsed a pet pig called Winston and what with the high increase in fuel costs is now often seen catchin’ a wild ride into town.

That’s it folks, our brother DM, chimped with all smiles… the juice if you will. I now fear retribution and am still officially in hiding from the recent death threats received by sister Joy (*shivers*)

*hands out cookies*

BTW I am not only one to blame… just in case you thought I wasn’t my usual innocent self…

]]> http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/big-bruffa/feed/ SanityFound 90024412 apeMS2604_468x336 14500189 3269393 1961 file photo of Joey Bishop with one of the Marquis Chimps on The Joey Bishop Show. 3266318 Gorilla at the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans, Louisiana.</p> <p>audubon zoo, zoo, captive, new orleans, louisiana, gorilla, anthropoid ape, ape, relax, sleep, lazy, funny, humorous Chimpsing article-0-00FC4CDC000004B0-407_468x403 abc_gma_six_chimp_080321_ssh 3263417 chimp32 pankun Untitled-1 http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/brilliant-quotes/ http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/brilliant-quotes/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:48:05 +0000 InSanityFound http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/brilliant-quotes/

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an
hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S
relativity.

- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working
the moment you get up in the morning and does not
stop until you get into the office.

- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s
there to appreciate it.

- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain
the success of those we don’t like?

- Jean Cochran

It matters not whether you win or lose; what
matters is whether I win or lose.

- Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand
wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, didn’t know
where to shop.

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action.

For one particular nutter who woke up with this in his head… how I just don’t know but I thought torture is a good word… so go on, listen to it and it it stuck in your head as well!

Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
There’s a brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la la la
Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
She looks like a sugar in a plum
Plum plum
Show me your motion
Tra la la la la
Come on show me your motion
Tra la la la la la la
Show me your motion
Tra la la la la
She looks like a sugar in a plum
Plum plum
All had water run dry
Got no way to wash my cloths
All had water run dry
Got no way to wash my cloths
I remember one Saturday night
We had fried fish and Johnny-cakes
I remember one Saturday night
We had fried fish and Johnny-cakes
Beng-a-leng
Beng-a-leng
Brown girl in the ring…
We had fried fish and Johnny-cakes
All had water run dry
Got no way to wash my cloths
All had water run dry
Got no way to wash my cloths
Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
There’s a brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la la la
Brown girl in the ring
Tra la la la la
She looks like a sugar in a plum
Plum plum

It has come to my attention that some of you may not know Joy so I thought I’d share with you some photos that I managed to get off various sources (can’t divulge they will keeeeel me).

I hold no responsibility, this is more for public security than anything else.

(Above) Joy can be seen sporting a beautiful dress, they went to the circus for the day, that innocent look? Oh, that was both the start and the end of it…

(Above) The big 10, there is only one candle showing because (well it is suspected) that she ate all the others. She was so quick no one knows what happened to them… we just continue to wonder… Alas just after this here photo was taken the cake landed up in my face - I am still planning serial payback in her direction!!!

(Above) Teenage years? She wasn’t seen much during the day, as you can see here sister Deeps snapped this sneaky photo of her passed out in the tree 3 miles from home…

(Above) Yeah, that’s her smoking, shocking really I know. She blames me as the bad influence, why I just don’t know!

(Above) Here she is posing for some or other ‘elo guy - this painting now hangs in the Tate Museum in London and has thousands upon thousands of people leaving flowers and chocolates in her honour (I am sooo proud of her phew)

(Above) The model years were a blast, perhaps you remember this one of her, it was on the cover of Vogue and the saucy Cosmopolitan

Ok so model years over (they chucked her out because she was complaining about the bananas that were off … yeah Naomi Campbell style I tell you!!!) Anyway’s, here she can be seen in the middle (Above) singing the Lord its Hard to Be Humble.

Since those years there have been many cover versions of the song, I suppose the most recent and “classy” one is the one seen here:

Singing days over with Joy decided it was time to work on the now well known look of innocence. As you can see she had to practice long and hard… don’t know about you but *ahem* she might need to keep on practicing!

(above) Now this is one look she has down pat, yes it is a photo of me she is staring at… I believe it was during the time I was seconded to Africa for a tree hugging exercise. Isn’t she cutes!

Now, as you can see above, she just pulls this look every time she comes near me or my posts… *sniff sniff*

So folks, that is our sister Joy - please do not let her know that I have posted all these “secret bottom draw” photos of her - see she knows where I leeeeeev!

*runs to protect the cookies she stole from Amber*

POST NOTE:

Sorry folks I forgot to mention Joy’s cute kitty cat that she adopted, this sweety pie apparently just luuuuuuuurvs her nose… Anyways moving along swiftly here she is trying to train kitty to stay away from the one said nose attached to her face… (below)

Now Joy has been claiming that kitty is as innocent as she “is”… sorry, hate to break it to ya, an informant just sent these in… below is kitty’s brother enjoying a Guinness (good boy) and then there is kitty all passed out… I say no more… innocent? Yeah right!

Awwws look at these two… yip poor kitty must have the mother of all hangovers after passing out like that…. eeeeeek watch the nose!!!

Oh and apparently this cutie needs witness protection… am starting to realise it is I that needs it. My informant tells me that the gun was being aimed at me… question is… how the informant got to get such an incriminating photo unless it was he that plotted….

I say no more… I am in hiding

I was chatting to a friend tonight about something close/related to the contents of Influencing Kids and something that was said hit me really hard right between the eyes. Following this was a comment by SymbolicGodzilla about his friend who grew up in a house with zero parental guidance.

It really made me think about those cravings I had growing up. It is true what the therapists say about kids wanting guidance, wanting boundaries and rules. Without them you grow up never knowing where you stand in life, the world, with people around you and just everyday situations. Living with zero guidelines can cripple you as an adult, slow your progress and pretty much chop your legs off before you start to walk.

Having someone external from your immediate family nucleus take you under their wing, guide you and give you support is one of the biggest blessings you can have as a kid. Normally it is your mother or father but when they are just the sperm donors then an Aunt, Uncle, friends parent or older cousin really do help.

I’m not even talking about anything major, a simple smile or a nod used to boost me some days, a hug, a laugh, an offer of a lift, guidance, baking cookies, playing a bit of football outside, a quick chat about a boring adult topic, anything normal. I say anything normal because these kids lives are anything but normal and the fastest way to pull them back from the edge is to show them that normal exists. A simple act on your part can brighten the roughest of days, nights, weeks, months or even years.

There are so many kids going through rough times, kids who have parents like I had, who just don’t really care or take the responsibility for anyone or anything let alone their own children. There are so so so many!

Sad isn’t it…

What gives me hope are the people that care, people who go out of their way to do something as simple as checking on the kid or just giving them a hug. The simplest of things could get a child in dire circumstances through the day if not the week.

Sometimes the kids don’t even know what you do for them, sometimes they can not quantify the true value of having you in their lives for the fact that they have never experienced it without you. Sometimes words can’t explain that feeling of an inch less of hopelessness felt all because you phoned, you smiled, you hugged, you cared.

For each and everyone of you that try to help these kids I thank you from the bottom of my heart.