All posts tagged abuse

Handling the unexpected

If you were sailing along in a beautiful yacht laughing and enjoying the ride when suddenly a big unexpected storm hits and over turns the very thing you were just standing enjoying yourself on, what would your immediate response be?

Shock
Bleep
Oh God
What the hell
Bleep
Oh no
Numb
Numb
Numb
Shock

or

Oh dang my yacht!!!
WTH
Stupid bleep bleep bleep harbour master said it was going to be CLEAR WEATHER
I am going to crucify that bleeper
He will NEVER find work again and wait till he gets the insurance bill!
Stupid bleeper!
MY YACHT!

or

SHARKS???
Oh God
SHARKS
What was that???
Oh shit oh shit
I’m a goner
They’re going to rip me to shreds
I’m dead meat
Oh God
Oh God
Oh God

or

OK
*breathe*
Access the situation
Stormy seas
Yacht is overturned
Either get my butt under neath and climb on a ledge away from the things with sharp teeth, be warmer and out of the water or climb on the top and hold on so that if people look for me they can see me.
*breathe*
Pro’s and con’s
Swim under yacht and turn on the SOS equipment, try find something dry and climb on ledge out of the water.
OK
*breathe*

How would you respond?

When something happens that we didn’t expect be it traumatic or just emotionally painful we have a variety of responses, some not as good as others.

Are any of the above more right or wrong?

As we go through life we can’t run from the shocks that come at us nor can we ever know how to react in all of them no matter who we are or what life experience we have.  All we can do is react in that moment the best we can, normally by instinct alone.  Life is such that we can’t plan for every single thing that comes our way perhaps instead we can teach ourselves to breathe, stop and assess the situations we find ourselves in and then breathe some more.

Sometimes things aren’t as we immediately thought they were to be

Sometimes there are more options available that will help you out of the dark hole you find yourself in

Sometimes there is land just on the other side of the overturned yacht close enough to swim to

Sometimes when you turn around you will find that you aren’t treading water that in fact someone is there holding you up

Sometimes there are other survivors who are learning as you are and able to help you overturn that yacht

Sometimes good can come from bad in the form of opportunities of survival

Sometimes you are stronger than you think

Guaranteed the most sane and the one that survived that yacht overturning was the one that took a moment while floating in stormy seas and assessed the situation, saw the reality and figured out a way to best survive.

Breathe

The best survival tactic is the pause button, it can save your life both figuratively and in reality.

6 Comments
by Sanity on January 14, 2009  •  Permalink
Posted in Humans, Life's Lessons, Life's opinion
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Sanity on January 14, 2009

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2009/01/14/handling-the-unexpected/

Mourning a different kind of loss

image If you have ever spoken to a therapist or someone who has studied up they will tell you about the five stages of grief.  They’ll tell you that in order to heal after a loss that each person will swing between each of them for an undefined period in time until they reach the final one of Acceptance. 

The five stages of grief:

1. Denial

“this can’t be happening to me”, looking for the person that you have lost in familiar places, setting the table for that person.  No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2. Anger

“why me?”, feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

3. Bargaining

Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4. Depression

Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5. Acceptance

There is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn’t leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.

Most of them will tell you that that undefined period normally lasts about 2 years though each person is different and some get stuck in the first 4 never progressing to the 5th one.

There is one kind of loss that is often over looked.  When we talk of loss our first impulse is to think of the loss of a person to death or broken relationship.  -+

There is another one and in some respects it is a far greater longer lasting loss than all the others. 

The loss of a childhood.

Mourning the loss of the childhood you never had can be far more traumatic than losing another person under any circumstances.  The healing process can be longer, it can take a lifetime of swinging between all of those five stages listed up above and at the end of the day reaching the final stage of acceptance is like the shedding of a skin after years of peeling the layers off.

The four stages of mourning the loss of a childhood:

1. Denial

Nothing bad happened to me, I didn’t miss out on anything.  Sure my parents never showed me love but that is ok, that is normal.  I wasn’t abused it was just a different way of showing me love.  I am not the product of my youth. I am not affected by the things that happened to me.

2. Anger

Feelings of wanting to fight back or get even the ones that took your childhood away. Anger at the fact that you never had the childhood that others seem to have. Questions of why me and who were they to do that to me. Rage at the injustice of the childhood you had

3. Depression

Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had as a child. Mourning the loss of not having a loving relationship, a mentor, playing like other kids, all that you should’ve had but didn’t.  Feeling lack of control, feeling numb, feeling like life is pointless, that it will never get better, that you are hopeless and your life is pointless. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

4. Acceptance

There is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly.  The realisation that it isn’t your fault that all the things happened.  Accepting that your childhood was not in your control.  Accepting that you didn’t have all the happy experiences of the other children and understanding that what you make with your adulthood is up to you.  Acceptance of the fact that what happened did happen and that they did have an affect on you.  Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing, working through each thing and growing from them.  Our goals turn toward personal growth.

The grieving process between losing a person and the loss of a childhood are similar in many ways though bargaining doesn’t play as great a role in the latter.  No matter what anyone says there is still a process that we go through in order to heal from bad childhoods.  Not many of us have perfect youths filled with love, laughter, playing in the sun and dancing in the rain.  Whether we decide to accept it for what it is remains with each of us.

Some may get stuck in one of the first three stages, they may say things like “Oh well it happened, I am happy now and am not affected, sure I miss it but that is ok” or “Why the hell did I have to be the ONE to get all of that dealt to me, why could they not have just loved me, I am unlovable, no point in even trying”…

There are so many things that we can tell ourselves, the list is eternally endless and ultimately facing our childhoods is one of the scariest and traumatic things that any adult can do.  Old demons and things lurking in closets are not just the stuff of nightmares but rather of all of our waking adult lives… There are no right or wrong ways of dealing with it but can we ever be truly “whole” without facing them? Without going through the grieving process and reaching that end acceptance?

I have gone through the four stages of grieving for the childhood I never had, I still swing sometimes between all of them depending on which chapter I open or what demons return to shake me up.  I am not ashamed of that fact nor do I run from the truth of it.  I used to get so frustrated with myself for not being “whole” fast enough, for not being able to handle things and reach acceptance with lightening speed.  I used to beat myself up and castigate myself in and out for it all but then I reached my own level of acceptance.

For every step backwards I step two forwards.  Acceptance is a continual process not done overnight and all things that are worthwhile take time.  If it were easy then there would be little point because it would mean that I am only skimming the surface of what lurks below.

The loss of a childhood can torment you for as long as you allow it…

My soul is full of whispered song,
My blindness is my sight;
The shadows that I feared so long
Are full of life and light.
   ~~ Dying Hymn

11 Comments
by Sanity on January 7, 2009  •  Permalink
Posted in blog reviews, Life's Lessons
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Sanity on January 7, 2009

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2009/01/07/mourning-a-different-kind-of-loss/

Weekly Fruit Salad ~ संख्या अठारह

That folks is Hindi, fancy writing that looks like a pretty picture of sorts but stands for Number Eighteen.  Eighteen weeks of fruity bits and pieces and now a new format, fewer links, more sanity, even more insanity and a few sprinkles. 

How are posts selected?  Through out the week I read about 50 blogs (I’ve trimmed) through Google reader.  Every time I come across a blog post that is incredible I star it and when übber “blow me away” material I click share.  At the moment I have 5 other people who use Google reader sharing posts that they feel are worthy and incredible.

What’s incredible?  Content, thoughts, out of the box thinking, funny, out of the ordinary and just “wow” material

Want to get on the reader sharing? Send me an email sanityf@gmail.com and I’ll send you my username for sharing.  The more the merrier, there are so many blogs, so many posts, not all of us read the same people so it makes it interesting.  If you don’t use Google Reader but want to know more about it send me a mail as well and I’ll walk you through.

Is there a limit to the number of links? I now have a limit of 25 and for when I break the rules 30.  So that means max 30 of the top posts for the week. This does not mean that any of the other posts aren’t just as good, it just means that the process is more selective. If you don’t appear in this weeks salad it is not to say you will not be in next weeks, etc.

What won’t make it in to the Salad? Politics and aggressive posts, this is not because it has become “New Age” but rather because those are generally negative and attacking someone.

imageThe Ubuntu Frosting ~ by Amber 

I have been asked as the sort of spokesperson of our little Ubuntu group of ragtag players to talk a little bit about Ubuntu and what we hope to accomplish.  Each of us writes Ubuntu posts as we feel the movement in our lives and on our blogs to share its spirit with all of you.  I recently wrote A Guide to Ubuntu so that people could understand it a little more easily should you would like to learn more about it.  We seek to spread this small word that holds big feelings throughout the world.  One blog at a time.  Its simply “I am because you are”.

We all need a breath of fresh air don’t we?  Need to breathe it into our lungs and enjoy its life giving force just a bit more?  This week our air is brought to us by a special blog which has been chosen by our team to receive the Ubuntu badge for its posts towards humanity, and the spirit of Ubuntu which we all share.  Posts like The Web of Compassion ,Hello? Is this 2008? Are we “human”? Stop Florida from committing transgression, and Open letter to God.

We would like to extend our congratulations to Surface Earth.  Thank you for your beautiful words and spirit.  You will be a fine addition to our Ubuntu team.  With this nomination you can choose or not to post our Ubuntu badge on your blog, but we do ask that you post a blog post article about what Ubuntu means to you in return.

Have a good week Everyone!  Amber

image Crunchy apples

This week has truly been incredible, it has been about compassion, people who want to be Souf Efrikan, love and kids. Yes that is Souf Efrikan pronounced Sooo-ff Eff-rick-ken and no that is not a swear word either.  So far there have been two who stepped up to this all time “honourary” (not coronary) status Skuttlevis(fish) and Antie Lisbet.  If you want to join the other Souf Efrikan’s then contact The Man with fast legs. By the way, while we are on the topic, should you ever get confused by my computer terms there is always an explanation ready…

imageTasty Strawberries (with chocolate)

Communication is always key isn’t it? So often we can misunderstand someone and through doing so get hurt or worse unjustifiably angry.  Handwritten letters with the personal touch or friendships that form life long relationships.  Little hands holding within their grasp Forgiveness, Compassion, Empathy… humanity, we can learn a lot from children if we stopped to look into their eyes and see what they see.  Sometimes all it takes is taking the time to stand in the others shoes and try to understand.

image A sticky healthy orange

 

Looking through the Johari Window into The night sky things can come flooding back.  One tends to remember Walking In Sunshine, Through the Rain, picking Flower’s along The Yellow Brick Road you tend to slowly gain back your self-esteem and just Be. Where ever we go we Plant the seed, grow a garden… run as far as you can but you can never hide but Living Your Dreams you must do.

image A bunch of grapes

Heroin Charly making you wonder if your Contract is still good, you wonder where Grace has gone while checking if you are Still Breathing.  Bringing hope back is a continual process.  Personally I feel that all Dead Beat Dads need to all take a page from the book on How to Not Abuse Your Children.  Give us back some heavy duty maturity rituals perhaps? A simple rhyme about humanity all the while figuring out What makes us special.

image

Yip, it has been quite the week! Thank you all for each and every single post you wrote, it not only brought a smile to my face but to many.  You got our brains ticking over, inspired, gave us wisdom and many (gazillion) laughs!  Awesome week!

 

As always suggestions and thoughts are welcome.  If you know how to get thorn splinters out of a very hair covered head pleas also let me know… just found my 7th… without needles!

20 Comments
by Sanity on October 5, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in Blogging Life, Recommended
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Sanity on October 5, 2008

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/10/05/weekly-fruit-salad-%e0%a4%b8%e0%a4%82%e0%a4%96%e0%a5%8d%e0%a4%af%e0%a4%be-%e0%a4%85%e0%a4%a0%e0%a4%be%e0%a4%b0%e0%a4%b9/

The myth of the Snake Whisperer

image

They won’t always be like that

They will change

I know they will

They’ve had a hard life, you can’t blame them

They are suffering

I know that it won’t be long before they snap out of it

Soon

I just know it

It’s only a phase

They love me I know they do, deep down they do

They will change

Bullshit

They’re never going to change, sure there are reasons for them being the way they are BUT is it really making them the way they are.  It is only not a choice when someone is psychologically ill.

The truth is only the snake can stop being a snake, only they can decide to get help or to change their ways, only they can, not you nor I can do it for them.  There is no such thing as a Snake Whisperer, there never was, there never will be.

We go for years trying to “fix” the other person to the point that it can become an obsession.  Just one more chance, one more try, they’ll come around… they never do.

What if instead of helping them slay their demons we are feeding them with our “what if’s” and “one day soon’s”.

It doesn’t matter who they are, husband, your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, father, sibling… a snake is a snake.

Problem comes in with the fact that you can’t divorce your parents nor your siblings.  Sure you can “leave” them, stop all communication, etc but the need is greater.  The need to have that “family” love, sometimes that need can be so strong that we forget common sense all together, we dress the snake up in sheep’s wool.

Slay or feed?

From experience, without realising it I have been feeding a snake, a very big snake, in my life.  All the “wants” I have succumbed to and I am not proud of the fact either.

What makes the snake in my life so sick?

  • The need to control due to the fact that in their own “lives” they have none. These instances can be subtle ladled with guilt and oozing possession.
  • Low self-esteem causing them to belittle the other in public and in private to the point of ridiculous.  This can also cause them to belittle any achievement and to enhance all failures, once again both in public and private.
  • Pity, making statements to evoke pity and attention thereby putting their hope of ever attaining happiness in your hands.  I can’t think of the correct term for this.
  • Low self-image.  That is workable on its own but when the person can not admit to failure within themselves or their actions it can get to narcissistic levels.  Others then get the blame.

That is all sugar coated “with words” emotional abuse that can make a person so scared to put a toe out of line that they become quivering wrecks.  Second guessing becomes second nature if not first, low self-esteem becomes contagious and soon you end up being just a shell at their beck and call.

Snakes come in many different shapes and sizes…

My snake is trying to get better, they asked for forgiveness, they show remorse and an inkling of understanding regarding their actions. <– Who am I kidding?

I’ve held on to the belief that my snake would change because I have craved that “love”.  I have held on to the idea that it is not only possible it is also attainable and because of that I have forgiven each trespass and accepted it as if it were fate and truth.

Thrive

Feed

Whither

Die

They suck you dry.

We all get to a point where our hopes and dreams of people becoming who we hoped they would be die a withering death.

My snake is who they are, they will never change, they will always be the same.

They will always be that way until they choose to change, until they choose to get help, until they realise just what they are doing to those that love them.

My snake realised once

My snake never really changed

How is yours? Any change?

It is good to mourn the loss of an ideal that will never actualise.  I mourn the loss but I now accept the snake for what it is…

We all want to be loved, we all have that basic need … sometimes that need is so strong we forget to love ourselves.

A hard life doesn’t give you the right to be a bitch/bastard

A snake is a snake, sheep’s wool always falls off

I’m done trying to whisper to snakes, their fangs never become blunt just sharper.

14 Comments
by Sanity on August 7, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in Friendship, Humans, Life's Lessons, Life's opinion, Personality, Relationships, Therapy
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Sanity on August 7, 2008

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/08/07/the-myth-of-the-snake-whisperer/

Weekly Fruit Salad – No Number

Yes I have decided not to put a number in because it just dates me, no not you, me! I am becoming paranoid perhaps it is the looming eek day, the one that I normally go in hiding for, not happy about this.  Anyway what a week indeed.  Thanks all for sharing the posts via Google Reader *bows* you are starballs for sure… you know who you are.

Every day is a winding road whether we are Flying the Farty Skies or Rocking the Rudy the Red Horse.  Sometimes things can get so busy that we forget to savour those little moments in life like enjoying a giant eclair with three forks, we forget to Just Say “Yes” to what life has to give us and enjoy The Sandpiper tweeting away on the Sign posts.

So often we believe we don’t deserve the good things life throws our way forgetting that there is a Time for Lessons and a time to just be happy, live and be free.  Happy being of course the fact that a Judge ruled cell phone contract termination fees illegal in CA! (jeepers I thought Africa was behind, no offence!!!). 

A lot of questions that go through our heads and often confusion reigns… I’m a Zebra. I’m white. I’m black. I’m scary. I’m bad? and all the while I Was Going to See Saint I’s for a nice cup of coffee (with a dash of whisky in).  Saint I tells me now that God doesn’t make ugly ducklings and the real truth is that I am NOT an abomination, relief beyond words.  The Saddest Thing I’ve Ever Learned though is that not everyone believes, not everyone showers either.

While out walking today I found myself humming a Ballad of a Blogger Finch wondering Within my mind if the aliens had visited Today.  I was too busy Reading cricket (and about why American sports suck).  Cricket is fine when one considers the amount of “sunblock” (aka beer) used but perhaps it becomes a bit of a handicap when Mobbed by Children.

Now while on the topic of sample humans the biggest thing for me is the idea of How I could Be a Better Mom,  it really scares me.  I suppose it isn’t as scary as trying to work out What A Man Wants! I mean is it a lover, a wife or both??? I believe you are really lucky when you have found that soul mate, the one that puts up with you and loves you because of your bad habits!

Ah the real question above all others is whether Shaving in “Private” fashion trend, healthy option or just plain sexy? Are there Differences Between Men and Women and what they prefer, never mind that, how they act or is it rather just hardwired? Oh while on the topic What’s up with the porno pose?

Adoption comes in all forms – and gives me faith that friends are more like my family, my real family.  The feeling that I have brings me a bit closer each day to believing that the world isn’t such a bad place even though I haven’t had a Starbucks in almost a year! Remember Everybody hurts but when you are open to having friends, when you are open to receiving their love, things get a bit easier.  I am talking from experience.

9 July 2008, 10 July 2008, 11 July 2008, 12 July 2008 all calendar dates filled with travel delights and treats… aaaaah going back in time to places past, dreaming the dream.  The Maryport Blues of crafting blogs and the real horrorscopes are all the Next Week’s News Today but the real kryptonite  is how to Decorate Your Home on the Cheap. 

All of that was brilliant, I mean it has been an awesome week of note but I think the best is what A-Broader View started.  She Revisited her Bucket List and morphed it into a F@#*%! List.  PersistentIllusion then took it further and it became far More Fun Than A Bucket List, it became the F@#*%! List Meme.  Now you know how they start because I then went on to do it and Kwoneshe2 did it as well – don’t be scared just do it because this is pure Inspiration!

Talking about inspiration everyone has been putting what inspires out them in true Meme fashion.  Deeps for some reason likes to tag me, either that or it was my guilty conscience, who knows because either way I really enjoyed this one.  I am proud to say that I wasn’t the only one in the end for it was passed on to Glaize, Vanessa, Kwoneshe2, Enreal and Vishesh – thank you all wow! (Cordie thinks I have forgotten, I haven’t…)

Just so you know, I may be quiet for a little bit (probably much to your relief) but I have been tagged with that 100! thing – apparently I must list 100 things, I have avoided this one since I started blogging almost a year ago (omg its a year next month!!!)

Thanks all for an incredible week, again I have been almost brought to my knees (ok I have many times) with laughter, wondered at the incredible insights and just amazed at how many brilliant people are out there.  Good Luck to brave woman moving to Australia via Hawaii – takes guts and I admire you!!! (Lara I am seriously doing pom poms for you!!!)

*if I have forgotten anyone apologies, I try to keep track of all the posts I really enjoyed.

** If you see anything you really enjoy please add me to your google reader and share it… Thanks again all that do this already!!!

… and remember to tell anyone who upsets you the word gOOfy – if you don’t understand that one then you don’t understand it… there are no explanations.

8 Comments
by Sanity on August 2, 2008  •  Permalink
Posted in Blogging Life, Humans, Life's opinion, Recommended, Songs with Substance, Tagged/Meme, The world around us
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by Sanity on August 2, 2008

http://sanityfound.wordpress.com/2008/08/02/weekly-fruit-salad-no-number/

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