Friday Funnies: He said, She said…

He said to me . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said to me . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said .. That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . …Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. … Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don’t have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said…What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Friday funnies ~ Little Johnny

Ms. Smith stopped to reprove Johnny for making faces: “Johnny, when I was small, my mother used to tell me that if I made ugly faces, at some moment it would freeze and stay like that.” Johnny looked up at her and thoughtfully replied: “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t forewarned.”

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The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting. When Johnny’s turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot. “What’s that?” the teacher asked, puzzled. “It’s a period.” – “Well, I see that, but what’s exciting about a period?” – “Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart attack, mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself.”

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An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor.

Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, “If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn’t fall like that.

The old man looked up and replied, “If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus.”

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“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”
“One dollar.” answered little Johnny
“You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my daddy.”

F/H: Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you £500?’

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.’

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

F/H: Perfume…

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, “What’s that perfume?”

The first responds, “Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle.” The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, “Paradise $149.00 a bottle.”

The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, “Baked Beans – 49 cents a can.”

Friday Funnies : Why some kids get in trouble in school

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TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is!

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria!

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TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK : Because of the sign.

TEACHER : What sign?

FRANK : The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!

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TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L”

TEACHER : No, that’s wrong

GLENN : Maybe its wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

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TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

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TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!

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TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?

GOSS : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”

MILLIE : I is…

TEACHER : No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”

MILLIE : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

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TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?

TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”

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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”

LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.

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TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON : No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

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TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!;

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher.

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