Donated by Ambermoon

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping  channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to  150 in about 3  seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive …

so, I took her to a gas  station.

And then the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to  apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter  asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age..

I looked in my  pockets and realized I  had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was  very sorry, but  I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened  my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,  ‘That silver hair on
your  chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my  Social Security  application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my  experience at the  Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You  might have gotten  disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school  reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her  drink as she  sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up  those many  years ago, and  I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person  could go on celebrating  that long?’

And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some  reason, took my  order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare,  please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad  cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her  husband,  ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near  perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light  for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night  than the cold  cream.

And then the fight started….

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my  lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the  garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back  out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the  garage, turned on  the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all  day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped  back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is  terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe  my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …

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I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our  anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet  appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”  she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire  while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do  you want to have  sex?”

No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying   “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a  friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife  kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow  I always had   something else to take care of first: the truck, the car,  e-mail,  fishing,  always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall  grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing  scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the   House.. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again  I handed her  a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said,  ’you might as well sweep the driveway.’

and then the fight started…