Fun: Ole and Sven

imageOle and Sven were fishing on the Michigan when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

‘Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

‘Yiminy Cricket!’ exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. ‘Vere dit yew git dat monster??’
‘Vell,’ replied Ole, ‘I got it from my Genie.’
‘You haff a Genie?’ Sven asked.
‘Ya, shure. It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Ole.
‘Could I see him?’
imageOle opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good
friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?’
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks….flying directly overhead.
image
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, ‘Yumpin’ Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’
Ole answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Fun: Wise old man

A retired man moves near a junior high school. He spends the first few weeks of retirement in peace and quiet. However, when a new school year begins, three young boys beat on every trash can they encounter every day on their way home from school.

Finally, the man decides to take action and walks out to meet the boys. He says, “You kids are a lot of fun. I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” The kids continue to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the man tells the kids, “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income. From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers are displeased, but they accept his offer.

A few days later, the retiree approaches them again. “Look,” he says, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to pay more than 25 cents. Will that be OK?”

“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaims. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts. We quit.”

Fun: Sibling help

A nine-year old boy goes into the grocery store, grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register. The cashier asks, “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”

“Nope,” says the boy, “not for my mom.”

The cashier responds, “Well, then they must be for your sister then?”

“Nope,” says the boy, “not for my sister, neither.”

The cashier is now curious, “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister — then who are they for?”

The nine-year-old says, “They’re for my little brother. They say on TV, if you wear one of these, you can swim and ride a bike, and my little brother can’t do either of those things.”

Fun: Male & Female differences extended

Note:  Maybe you’ve read these before, I know I never tire of them – tff for sure. – Sorry have been quiet have been prepping for my US Embassy interview tomorrow so wish me lucks! Mwah

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SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS — female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

PENLIGHT — male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright.

TIRE — male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it…and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE — female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.  Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY — male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around and is good for killing bugs.

Fun: Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’

The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’

The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!’

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’

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