F/H: Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, ‘Did you see anything that you like under there?’ Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, ‘Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p..m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: ‘Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?’

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.’ Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, ‘And did he give you £500?’

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.’

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, ‘He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.’

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

F/H: Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all.

He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son.what happened last night?’

‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.’

Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’

His son replies, ‘Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!’

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS

F/H: The Gas Station competition

imageTwo guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win  free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.

"I’m thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it’s three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

Pig Personality Test

Do this, and don’t cheat by reading the whole thing first.  It’s hysterical if you do it right! Get a BLANK piece of paper and draw a picture of a pig on it, just a basic drawing, don’t spend all day on it.

DRAW THE PIG BEFORE YOU GO ON. IF YOU DON’T IT WONT WORK!!!

You must NOT scroll down until you draw your picture.  No cheating … REALLY… It will spoil the fun

Go on draw the pig first…!

Done?

Ok so here is the interesting stuff …

The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer. If the pig is drawn:

Toward the top of the paper, you are positive and optimistic.

Toward the middle, you are a realist.

Toward the bottom, you are pessimistic and have a tendency to behave negatively.

Facing left, you believe in tradition, are friendly and remember dates (birthdays, etc..)

Facing right, you are innovative and active, but don’t have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.

Facing front (looking at you), you are direct, enjoy playing devil’s advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.

With many details, you are analytical, cautious and distrustful.

With few details, you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.

With less than 4 legs showing, you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.

With 4 legs showing, you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.

If there are more than 4 legs, you are unrealistic.

The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.  The bigger the better.

The length of the tail indicates the quality of your *ahem* sex sorry love life!!!!

(And again more is better!)

OK, who didn’t draw a tail?

Weekly Fruit Salad ~ [place number here]

Found a new wrinkle today so decided to just plain avoid numbers all together. I mean when I look in the mirror it’s still me, the 18 year old staring back at me… you know?

Phew what a week it has been, admittedly the “One Giant Step” moment, yeah I don’t even need to tell you which one that was!  Obama, Obama, Obama, a Day of Tribulation and also of shame, some weren’t so happy, some cried, some were ecstatic, some made shout outs to An American Hero either way the US elections were felt worldwide.  The New Face of the Presidency, may you always be courageous, stand up right and be strongPandemic Faith, Hope and Love, lets Make this better for all!

The thing that touched me the most about it all? Kids…

Color Them Blonde, do what you have to do but You really can’t blame anyone else for the state of your life nor can you avoid your own life by living vicariously through your child.  Sad as it is we all need to find our own Way Back and build up The Courage to Leap with Puppy Size love.  Block and tackle, gain your individuality back, Accept things as they are and that we all have moments of Stupid, life is like that, there will always be “our” Time.

Stress Management is the really hot topic of the week with “How to Overcome A Panic Attack” and “Tips for dealing with Anxiety, breathing through it…“.  Seems the world over is feeling the effects of the overly slight financial crisis, life and living… its touching us all but at the same time we are all standing up, standing together and smiling through it.  Why is it that we are always worried about “how you look to the world”?

When we can’t smile we find someone who we know will help us to.  I know for me personally watching a Baby Laugh at Wii and the The Worst Best Man – Ever! videos just about had me with 10 broken ribs from laughing so hard.  Then there are the the little things that we hold dear like Snow days and The Fallacy of Greener Grass

The Simplest of terms… life is what you make of it, from Pictorial Highlights Of Fall to the Inspiration found in The Stick and The Cardboard Box that found their way to the Toy Hall of Fame.  Its everywhere if you are willing to look.  Perhaps you are Just Small Town or perhaps its another dreaded bout of Fibromyalgia, either way its up to you.

Space.. the final frontier? Or is it truly our own souls we have yet to conquer? A pondering question for the week for sure or as the new hip way of saying it is “fo sho”.  Flying Together – Our Conversations in October, ask no questions, hear no lies… its really been a blast from the recent past.  The worst question for me this week though was “Blonde blue-eyed baby for sale?“, my first thoughts were “um hello, come again, they did WHAT?” Enough said, I was shocked and it kind of makes me want to revisit School—1957 fo sho! Ok sorry I just had to use my new word, forgive me!

Boundless Love people, if you don’t know it yet, its all the rage!

The holidays are coming so its best to start prepping up and getting all set – can anyone tell me why, oh why, this year has flown as fast as it has? Or perhaps for some, such as me, why it has taken so dang long???

Now I have something really REALLY big BIG to announce… are you sitting? Yip Lindsey has finished her book which is now for sale YIPEEEEE (sorry I have been awaiting its arrival while sitting on my hands seriously!)  Just click on the image and head on through… Congrats Lindsey, the blog world is proud, PROUD beyond words!

image 

Thanks for an incredible week everyone, it has been AWESOME!!!

image

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 35 other followers

%d bloggers like this: