*shock* she is going to America… soon soon soon

It’s the reason I have been so quiet this week, spent majority of it either working, fending myself in snow wars (true progression from snow fights) and preparing my documents for the Embassy interview which turned out to be plural.

5am yesterday morning I got up and checked my documents for the millionth time (wish it was an over exaggeration)  and at about 6.30 peeked outside to see what the weather was like… low and behold… it was friggin snowing again.  True as nuts the day was set out to be a rough one, checked the trains and nada ka pada, all were cancelled.  Got the call at 7.30 saying that school was closed as well… so a mad rush to find baby sitters (Mr V the life saver of the century had offered to risk his life and limbs to drive me into London) and figure out how the hell we were going to do the last minute things (one that I had forgotten.. shuddup… the photos)

Anyways got to the security and first tried to open a sealed door with armed guard behind thinking that that was the entrance… he waved a gun at me and pointed the right section… off I went then was told “Please remove your belt” to which I responded “My pants are going to fall off and never before have I stripped in public”, they laughed and I went back to the gun bearing dude.

When he opened the door I told him that I suffered from the bad direction virus suffered by most women and to please forgive me.  He laughed.  Then I asked them when O when I could put my belt back on because my pants were falling off, they said only inside the building.  I then told them not to look and to switch off their cameras if they do fall off! The cheek of them then said… wait for it… “Best do the duck walk and they’ll sell the video on ebay” the cheeky barstwards!

I then, closely resembling a duck, walked to the main Visa department and all I saw was a sea of people, bored people. Bored people are never a good sign when you enter a room, its a sign that you too shall be succumbed with boredom soon.  I took my seat and felt like destiny was sitting right besides me, I was calm, collected and smiling to myself (you should have seen the fashion styles in that place!).

It was one of the freakiest experiences sitting there and taking it all in, the two booths that I sat near housed the most friendliest American officials I have ever seen.  One man and one woman, both looked up and smiled at me as if to wink and say “It’s going to be ok”.  I spoke to the male of the pair and answered a few questions but he didn’t want to see all my documents, that I was to fill in the next form and will be called for my interview.  Totally confused I was, I had had no idea that there were TWO interviews!

So I sat, admired more eye sore candy and did my sodoku quietly.  Everyone else was being called but my number just wouldn’t come up on the screen.  I was one of the last people to get called for the interview and I was starting to think that there was something wrong.

I went into the lady’s cubicle and stood with the bomb proof glass between her and I, answered 3 trick questions and kept on trying to pass her my proof, hotel bookings, etc.  She just kept on saying “nope its ok”.  Eventually towards the end she said to me “I give you an A+ for effort but I don’t need to see any of your documents, your visa has been approved!”

It took a few seconds to register, perhaps a little more than a few.  I said thanks a million and went to pay for the courier service that will bring me my passport with visa attached back to me next week.

Last night we booked my ticket to the states, it felt as though I was dreaming.  This morning I woke up and it still is all surreal, not real at all…

But…

Destiny sat next to me, I felt her with me

I am going to America, very very very soon

An African in England Questioned

imageA little while ago I wrote An African Questioned… about all the questions I have received with regards to being African and growing up in Africa.  This is part two to that “Interview”, An African in England Questioned.

Question: So are you finding England safer now, more relaxed walking down the street?

My Answer: Well the one thing is I don’t need to look out for lunch anymore, I mean there are no lions lying in wait for me to turn the corner.  That said there are some really strange creatures walking around, seriously.  Have you seen how bad things are here??? They don’t even know how to keep their rods up and under their animal skins, hanging half to the ground like they have sexy butts or something.  My thinking is that these English people don’t have the right animals to hunt in order to get decent clothes, well this is what I think anyways.

Question: Do the trains scare you?

My Answer: Not at all though I am a bit disappointed in the fact that they are slower than my good old trusted cheetah express.  Ah those were the days when you’d just hope on Cheetie and zoom overland in a heart beat, always on time and never on strike or breaking down. Man those were the days!

Question: How are you finding wearing normal clothes? 

My Answer: Well it seems like Afreaka exports its animal skin soaked in diesel to the Europeans, who woulda thunk that it would be popular here huh!  Normal clothes? They don’t fit as snug as my hides, not as tailored either though definitely cheaper phew.  Do you know Armani?

Question: So what do you think of all the cool cars riding around on the streets? Must be so different seeing real cars… 

My Answer: In my first week I managed to spot 3 bicycles, holy carambas have you SEEN those??? How people balance on them who knows, I mean surely it is a lot easier just hopping on a Cheetah or an Elephant, directing it to where you want to go, sit back and sip a pina colada while watching the scenery fly by? Forget those bicycle things, those four wheel contraptions!!!  I don’t trust anything that farts out black stuff!

Question: How did you get here?

My Answer: Well it has been quite a journey to say the least! As is custom I prepared for weeks in advance making special meat packages with Biltong, raw meat spiced and soaked in fermented juice hung out to dry.  Trick is to get it just right so that it still is a bit red when held up to the light, ah biltong, yum! Problem is though, this time the lion wasn’t so friendly when I went a hunting and for some reason it thought I was the new meat on the block *shrug’s and munches on another strip* Guess I showed him who’s the meat from the goose heh!

Anyways Biltong at the ready I then prepared my flight machine with fans, specially made wings created from ostrich feathers and the bone of a Rhino, put all the gears in place and packed my backpack.  All ready to go I strapped my starter, probably known to you as a leopard, to the frame and kicked with all my might.  Once he had reached top speed I released the catch and soared through the clouds above the plains of Africa.

It was a bumpy road thanks to the odd Bald headed Eagle thinking I was its long lost *ahem* mate.  They didn’t understand why I was not one of them or interested in their baldness but needless to say they eventually got the drift of my feather protected legs.

I weathered hail and thunder storms, confused birds and flashing orangutans, finally crossing over the Channel between the frogs and the bulldogs.  The frogs were scared and the bulldogs hungry but I got here safe and sound just a mere few months after leaving Afreakan soil.

Question: Have you managed to see or use a washing machine yet?

My Answer: Do I smell or something? I’ve been searching for a clean river for days now but to no avail…

Question: Can I post you something now that you are in first world?

My Answer: I am undercover and fear that a few of the animals back home may track me down and keel me like Jeff Dunham’s character… Yeah not pretty to say the least!

Question: You must really enjoy our Coca Cola or Fanta huh?

My Answer: What you call Fanta is rather interesting, I mean it’s meant to be orange flavour right but its like flavoured water on steroids, seriaresly eeew! The word orange belies to the fact that the product actually tastes like the fruit of orange… you know? REAL oranges? And just so you know your Cream Soda is a fake, uh huh, fake!

Question: Do you miss your mining days? Am sure you miss the cheap jewels and gems… 

My Answer: Not at all, just before I left afreakan soil I managed to find 5 diamonds in my vegetable patch, shine them up and bring them along… wanna see? Oh and a few nuggets of gold to, right there in the stone sitting on my porch… such luck huh! If you want to get rich quick definitely head over to Afreaka, you won’t be sorry! 

My Question: Do you know that we will never run out of gold?

Their Answer: No, why is that?

My Answer: Gold is merely fortified lion poop, over the years it gets old, hard and each time an animal walks past it marks its territory giving it the sheen you seen today on my beautiful golden tooth.

Ah the question one gets, none of these are current mind, think people are too wary of what they might hear from my mouth.  That said I have had a few come close to the above but bit my tongue because they are the mothers at the kids school *shrug*

My sarcasm needs sharpening just to find a victim hmmm

F/H: Confessions of a Government Travel Agent

 

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so that her hair wouldn’t getmessed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. He interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.” Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.” His response …(click) ??

A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!!!”

I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

An Aide for a US Cabinet Member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they only had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who? ” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, “Yeah, whatever!!”

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. “Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

A New Mexico Congressman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York” The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” “Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man. After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The man retorted, “Oh don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” “That’s it! I knew it was a big animal”????

Now you know why the government is in the shape that it’s in!

Weekly Fruit Salad ~ Nummer siebzehn

No you are not Dreaming, it is indeed Number Seventeen but in German. Sit back, relax and grab a slice of an award winning Sugar rush Apples Cheesecake, Any food but cookies (I have joined the CA … cookies anonymous yers).  Perhaps if you aren’t into the sweet stuff try out some Incinerated Chicken (Family Recipe), I hear it is a lot like KFC.  While doing all of this please make note of the Farting Etiquettes and read The Dummy’s Guide To The Basic Rules Of Blogging because you will choke on your food from laughing. Dogs Rock! – Church Wars!!!  No this is not one of those Annoying E-mails!!!!

image The secret ingredient

Don’t tell anyone, not a soul but Underneath Boston lies many mysteries, one of them being How not to catch a cab in NY. I didn’t want the secret to get out so that is Why I Never Told You… Makes me wonder if Grand Gestures are Becoming ExtinctSo Far it has been more than an interesting week don’t you? I am a Girls Without Shoes So very sad about Paul Newman… those eyes (admit it) really did bring A smile to my face!

image A bit of kiwi

Apologies for the latest of the hour, you can call me the Princess Witch Woman if you like, the delay was due to many adventures by a wondering insanity lost.  The excitement of today put me to sleep in order for it to come sooner. See I went to the post office today to get my birthday presents and other things from AMERICA!!! Whoohooo I told the lady at the counter that they were my presents she just started giggling, well I am a child with some things and my excitement was apparently obvious *shrug*.  She turned to me and said “Well now you must be be very loved and in their hearts”, it kind of blew me away.  For the record cookies are the Efficient Food!

My friend and I then went to the mall (just opposite) to get some supplies and a wander only to get a call from her parents who were also there about 10 minutes after we left.  The parents wanted to know if it was us that had just robbed the Woolworths with arms (the gun kind).  See two minutes after we had walked past that shop on our way out some aerosols decided to prance in there with big guns and hold it to ransom.  One of those moments you don’t want to add to the “Things to do before I die” list. So “Thank you Gods” we were out of there by then and “Thank you Gods” for keeping her parents out of that shop and just at the coffee shop outside it.  For those who know Somerset Mall, lets just say Joburg has hit die Kaap.  Aye it is all a bit like Movie Madness in real life without the TV show theme songs at that.

That said I am blessed that I do not face terror attacks every day. It’s all a bit like Finding a hero and losing another.  It makes us want to Revisit our roots and look at the Facts about everything, more importantly while not bitching about Bush – hey I have Zuma. 1, 2, 3 wash off the AIDS and get a new president.

image Sweet Fruit

I think the new parents need to be made aware of why they should Never Argue with Kids, the possible Protection dilemmas that could be faced and perhaps just know that Sometimes it helps to ask…   More importantly I feel that there should be National broadcasts put out about Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps).  It is a serious health risk!  I am being dead seriarse here!

Effective Love and if not effective there definitely won’t be any resting in peace.  Fact. Truth is it can’t all be Life Imitating Art, perhaps Darwin may have been correct! Ok ok perhaps that was a bit of Dog Crap Analysis but the truest thing for this year is the fact that for some Summer has come to an End.  Fear not it shall be returning again soon, just taking a cyclic holiday of sorts.

One hot topic is the M word, yeah that Marriage topic… it is hawt! I for one can not attest to this phenomena.   If the proverbial Dam Bursts leaving you with out that mask you wear each day it could quite possibly help make it A Marriage Made In HeavenLove and all the good things we always question at the best of times to the point that at times we can be shocked when She just keeps insisting on trusting and loving me – why??  Aye these questions do keep us busy, no? All I can say is something’s should just not be done or seen especially Seen on the street!!!

image A bit of passion

Sunday Secrets and more Interesting thoughts on Sex but who will truly know all the facts? One person is enough in this sentence might sound totally odd unless you think of the implications in a relationship (hawt topic remember).  Not everyone can be John H. Ericksson nor can they be the First man on Mars but looking out From the Other Side of the Cubicle everyone could be just that.

image A bit of good ol vitamin C

Signs, Symbols, and Seasons could bring about A Break on Things turning Sweet Revenge into Eternal Regret or reminding us of The feel of the once forgotten sun.  How we read these things and what we do with them is up to us. Some days it all feels a bit like times of testing but if we stick with it you will soon look within The Mirror of your Soul.  Sometimes we just have to say Just for today I am going to be Everything I Am, truth is I am because you are in truth One World, One SoulFormer Or Latter? it doesn’t matter, it just is.

Cleaning house and Learning To Say No is one of the greatest lessons in life, once learnt or realised it can be like a Full Moon Rising Over Crescent, it can be true Day & Night that lightens the load and brings you to “Quick! Pull my finger!” moments of joy. Its The Bounce of which There is no death.  Lessons yurgh but argh and then hmm followed by ahhh when we realise How to Live Fearlessly, how to Let things go, how to let people go, How to Live Your Dream and that we Hear that elusive voice within us. Truly live. From my life this is one of the most freeing experiences ever!

image The other Apples

Health Care and the Lie of Socialized Medicine… does it really bring about a Healthy body, healthy soul scenario or does it just add more stress?  Stick with friendship I say.  It comes in so many flavors, it can last forever and withstand the Holocaust. If you don’t believe me all you need to do is glance over AmberMoon’s Friendship Day to really feel it.

image Book Expozay

Hayden Tompkins from Persistent Illusion (yip the one and only) has released the much awaited for book that Dishes out the Secret to an Incredible Marriage! Head over there and get in on the scoop of the century!

image Travel – Japan

Japan has always been a bit of a mystery, in a sense China over shadows it not only in size but also in products and media.  The elusive Japan though has captivated me this week with images that kidnap me and whisk me off in true Peter Pan fashion. a Taste of adventures in Japan…

image Words for the week

conflictipated (adjective) seriously unable to make a decision due to too many conflicting choices; indecisive to the point of pain

sleepiphany (noun) Inspiration or problem-solving solution that pops into the brain as one is falling asleep or beginning to wake up.

strawphylactic (noun) The little piece of paper that a server leaves on the end of a straw when a non-alcoholic drink is brought to you.

caninus elephantitus (noun) A little dog that thinks he’s a big dog.

The Ending

This salad is extremely long I know, apologies.  From next week there will be a different format, this week was just too good and naturally I partly blame you guys.  From now on, instead of me just putting in all the posts I and others enjoy I will be putting in fewer links with more meat. Apologies and thank you for an incredible incredible week!

Spring/Autumn Meme the Meme

Adopted from Kwonshe’s A Meme

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? both of my dead grandparents, I am really really thankful that I didn’t get my great grandmother’s name.  I can’t repeat it sorry.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Trick question? huh huh? punk?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? it changes depending on who I am writing to. I like the flowery version, I mean flowing version you know the one with squiggles and little daisies everywhere… yip that one.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? meat for lunch? I eat no no no processed meat except frankfurters and that is at a push, I am really fussy about sausages you know.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I have thus far saved their sanity by not having any

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yeah probably but I’d also probably want to kill me like everyone else does smf08and sure as heck I would hide my cookies away from me.

7. GREATEST FEAR? ——–>

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? erm well hmm no but that is a lonnnng story and they kinda fled.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?  No but I like Hang Gliding least then there are no ropes attached! 

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? If I have to then its fruit museli but generally I don’t eat it

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends, some of my shoes have laces but then you aren’t meant to undo them… hard to explain… we love shoes *shrug*.

WAIT don’t let Ilegirl see this question she is weaning herself off of them… !

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Of course I can lift a Volkswagen mini van one time shoe shine… ok ok it is a Gol/Citi golf but hey I can lift it oks.  I just can’t open bottles to save my life, that includes a bottle of juice.  I can’t do it.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? All? Ok well Aylesbury Tin Roof: Creamy vanilla (like cheesecake yummy) then runny chocolate sauce hidden in its folds with nut sprinkles (no not the fake stuff I’m talking REAL nuts here).  The ice cream is never rock hard so I prefer it.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I take their “whole” in,  I read bodies and then adapt to their persona… is that the question? erm their shoes. 

15. RED OR PINK? pinkyred

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? How long do you have? Jokes I love me… I don’t lie well, I need to improve on this  

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Winnie the Pooh or Piglet, Can’t decide I loved them boff  

18. WHAT IS THE GREATEST THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I adore every aspect of myself.  Suppose my compassion and humour, I can’t imagine life without either.

19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? HA HA Another trick question isn’t it???

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? do you REALLY want to know? Ok ok it was raw pork and yummy veggies 

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? my heart beat and Gabrielle, about to change it over to the Shines or the Hoosiers, haven’t decided yet

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? The Box

23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? everything EXCEPT aroma au de doglishfart

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my bank and my lawyer. 

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO TAGGED THIS TO YOU? I stole it… well not stole just well ya knows… she is luffly and I adopted her and that is that

26. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH: snail races

27. HAIR COLOUR? dark brunette and as of this morning just about gray HELLO? at MY age? Seriously it seems I have gone gray in the last two days… you can stop laffing now. Mean it. I know where you live *gives the look*

28. EYE COLOUR? Blue/gray/green

29. Do you wear contacts or glasses? When I am tired I wear these really intelligent looking glasses but I will deny this most days and you never heard it here.

30. FAVOURITE FOOD? Cookies (duh!)

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Depends on my mood… both an option? I like making happy endings into scary movies by forcing guys to watch Chick Flicks!

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Bucket List

33. WHAT COLOUR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? White… that was another trick question wasn’t it? I actually lied I have right this minute 1 x long sleeve top, 1 x thinnish jersey, 1 x thick jersey, 1 x zip up thermal fleece and finally 1x fleece jumper.  Just call me the Michelin kid. Oh sorry pants? I have two on and 3 pairs of socks WITH boots. I swear I look erm like that kid.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring sheesh talk about narrowing the options to black and white again… where’s the gray?

35. HUGS OR KISSES? I love love love hugs and I give them away for free, seriously.

36. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Dessert tsk

37. WHO IS YOUR HERO? Anyone that I meet that is pure of heart, lives their dream and does what they can for others and for the world.  Real Humans. So if you take that into effect then YOU are my Hero.  How does that make you feel hero of mine?

38. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO? drive people nuts, steal cookies, eat cookies, paint, test fermented grape juice, photography, plan my escape and pull faces in the mirror to see how funny I look.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Diary of a Recovered Bulimic, an awesome and touching life story that I recommend to everyone and anyone. 

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have no squashed mouses near me

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? You really want to know???

42. FAVOURITE SOUND? Well sung music, the birds as I wake up, my heart beat, my feet heading away from here… oh that is soon ha! 

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Tough one, here we have beetles that roll the stones

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Rome? Argentina

45. DO YOU HAVE A WEIRD TALENT? I would have to kill you 

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Military 2, Kennilworth oh sorry Cape Towns

47. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED? Oh about a minute ago at some strange American (yeah she was accusing me of stealing cookies again… phah!)

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 20:13:33

49. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PRAYED? During dinner… (read up top) 

50. IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOU WHAT WOULD IT BE? My origin, I’d choose a better coloured passport… Dark green doesn’t suit me.

Tagged? Only if you want to

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 35 other followers

%d bloggers like this: