Heart rash of living

Life can be inspiring at times but odd at others… how can it be that people are given the power to alter ones natural fears and dreams… how can it be that adults are given that responsibility when they are incapable of living their own destiny… but then the question comes to mind, what if it is that very own bad advice, bad karma or bad teachings that is their destiny, this is a strange thought don’t you think – what if their destiny is to cause you pain so that you can feel…

What if it is their life’s journey to fuck yours up so you can learn certain life lessons in this life time to take into the next … how could this be and how could it be allowed… if this could be true then there is indeed no god, he does not exist for how can he expect humans to go through terror.

I was taught from a young age that I was and am pathetic and unlovable – I was taught that no one could possibly love me, it was beaten into me time, time and again. Then my mother confirmed it when she abandoned me to go live with her new and third husband, solidifying the belief that was ingrained in me. I slept on streets, in public toilets, I begged people for a room to stay in, for food and water.

I can’t trust, I can’t believe when people say it is different – don’t get me wrong I do for a while but then the old sense comes back and tells me “be careful”… How does one rewrite the past I do not know, I think I will always believe that I am worthless, useless and unlovable till the day I die, it is the fact of this lifetime…

So all this begs the question how my friend of 30 can be given the life sentance, 2 weeks to live when it is actually I that deserves to die – I don’t understand the why at all, it should be me not him lying there in hospital. I don’t fucken understand it at all…

Sorry this wondering rambling soul has lost its course… and has gone mad!

… Hmmm passed wonderings… when one is low one seems to revert back to the childish fears and irrational beliefs… I have since realised that we are taught many lessons in our lives, some good some bad but ultimately it is up to us what we do with them.

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