Today I sit here with tears in my eyes, my friend with cancer is still holding on to the last thread. He sits at home with double the dosage of morphine flowing through his veins and smiles a smile so real it brings one to your face. I haven’t seen him since he left England to return to his home in South Africa but my mother updates me and as I sit here with those ever present tears in my eyes I still am in wonderment at the strength of the incredible human spirit.
How odd it is that our fears hold us back on a daily basis all the while we know that our lives are not a sure thing, even though we do not know whether we will live to see another day we still run on fear, allow it to rule our lives.
My greatest fear is of being hurt, yeah you heard it right the first time. See I, as so many others out there, have been hurt time and time again by those that we love to the point that trust is fragile, love has to be earned and a hug not given freely. Don’t know if you can relate to this, if you do you will understand the emotions that go hand in hand with this fear… anxiety, pain, fear in your bones, the need to run, the need to protect yourself to the point that you push people away… all hard emotions, raw in fact.
I made a pact with myself when I was just 23 never to be hurt again, a pact never to be broken, never to let people come close to me again to the point where they have that power over me. This pact or be it decision was not a subconscious one at all, it was all conscious and yes a very cold one. It was at this point that I pushed my best friend, my soul friend, away. I broke contact with her, ignored her calls and cut myself off. She was not the only one however, I did it to my family as well, my sister, I couldn’t risk being let down by another family member for whom I had the greatest love, I felt it was better rather to be the leaver than be left and abandoned yet again by another. You may sit there and think “how cold” for yes it was cold but also a survival mechanism.
It took many years of therapy, both self and other, for me to realise that some risks are worth taking, that life is just to short. After 4 years I finally had the courage to contact my friend… no I didn’t have enough courage at that stage to state the reasons as to why I did what I did but rather just forwarded her a joke email almost as if to test the waters. To my greatest relief she responded, responded in a way that I could and can never understand, she accepted me back into her arms and now as the year comes to a close we are better friends than ever before.
My sister is another story for another time, we are closer than anything and twin souls. We met up thanks to a family engineering of sorts only to find that we are carbon copies in so many ways… she also is talking to me still and I am learning day by day to trust her a little bit more, each day that goes by I learn to love a bit more.
You may now sit there wondering what on earth is this weird strange woman going on about, in your own right I would wonder pretty much the same. The moral of this story is that life is indeed short, our fears rule us only if we allow them. No I am not saying I still don’t have the urge to run, more so sometimes than others that feeling filters through my soul. Rather I am saying that if there is anyone that you have lost contact with, try and contact them, rekindle what you gave up in fear of being hurt… life is short, sometimes shorter than we could ever imagine, take it by the balls and squeeze hard, don’t let go just go for it…
Easier said than done? yes it’s way easier said than done but if taken day by day, step by step, there is hope that we will all get there one day, we will all be hole.
Live it, do it, grab it!
… yet another rambling by a really wondering lost soul…