It is half past one in the morning here and everyone is now in bed all tucked in and asleep, I can now allow myself to feel… you may say that this sounds strange but it is Christmas time and it is meant to be a happy time, I can not be a downer on it all, such an important Christmas – the first I will ever be spending with my older sister, one where I will have my younger brother with me in over 5 years – I can not let my pain show and dampen the spirits… maddness? No, it is because I love them that I do this for I know life goes on … and so I now sit here with tears rushing down my cheeks re-enacting the floods in the UK that took place just this June.
I know that right this minute I should not be typing at all, as the tears flow down my cheeks I just feel the need to get it out to ears I do not know and to those I do in the strangest of ways. Odd yes, but then I think we have covered that I am a lil wee bit strange – don’t care, it is who I am.
In my life I have experienced the deaths of four people that meant so much to me, firstly my father when I was four and a half – too young really to remember much at all just the gap he left in my life and the wishes that I sent to heaven that it was a sick joke that he was gone. The second was my grandfather, he was the only male while I was growing up that I truly trusted, I saw him as my surrogate father – when he passed away I was 12 and it was the first time I truly felt my heart break into so many pieces that I thought it would never be put together again, it was when I realised that the people in your life are only temporary and yet I hoped that it was all just a bad dream.
The third was a friend of mine just March this year, at the age of 39. We were partying after a Action Cricket Tournament and true to our nature were the last to leave as usual – she went on to play the final the next day while I recovered, she went home at around 8 am and that was the last time anyone saw her. She lived alone and we have tried to work out what happened but speculation only goes so far… She was found the next morning in her car outside her house, it is believed that she was trying to go for help as her mobile’s battery was dead. Once again it showed me that our time is temporary as is the lives of the people we love, once again the pain and sadness of loss was revisited…
The fourth as you know is my friend who passed away just 2 days ago – the pain of losing someone that meant so much to me is once again revisited and to be honest it seems to be far greater – if this is so I do not know, perhaps we move on, grow and forget the depth of the pain felt – if this is so then time really does heal. Most people I know have lost a loved one, you may have experienced this pain as well… it is the biggest heart wrenching pain that feels like it literally tears your heart apart.
I know the stages of grief well and find myself swinging between disbelief, anger and total utter sadness and grief – anger because he was so young, the unfairness of it all astounds me and the rage within makes me want to throw things at walls. Some moments I catch myself thinking still that he is back home and that I can call him up and check on him then I realise that I will never speak to him again and the grief sets in.
I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want anything other than to get this out – since he passed every time I close my eyes to sleep I see him, when I do sleep he comes to me in my dreams… I sit here and don’t want to sleep, so exhausted but so scared, scared because of the heart ache – odd you may say, yes maybe – have to stay strong, have to put on a smile, have to enjoy this important time in my life as I said – I can not show them the pain I am in for they will just stress, worry and get upset ruining it all.
I have never had much of a family life, I have been independent since the age of 13 not by choice but rather a choice made by my mother to follow her latest husband to another country – family has been a curse my entire life until now, we are together again, some related through me some not but we are all family.
Apologies for a jumbled tale but my heart is at a loss, my brain frozen and the tears of utter sadness stream down my cheeks… each time it happens it seems to intensify everything as if you revisit the pain of previous losses on top of the current – its breaking me.
Love those in your life, show them not only tell them, cherish every moment for you never know what tomorrow may bring – collect the memories of a life time and never stop living that is my only wish for you…
Thanks for baring with me on this, it is such a trying time and a difficult one at that…
Keep well and safe
The rambling soul… aka Jekyll & Hyde