Dispondent beyond belief

Something you probably won’t hear from me often, normally I am quite philosophical but in the upbeat kind of way – or maybe not that is just your interpretation, I hope I am normally upbeat.  Anyway yes I find myself feeling despondent and a bit, no incredibly down… why you ask?

Well I found out on Monday that I didn’t get my work visa for the UK, it was the third try and my last and final attempt.  I have no other options, I got the most incredible job, my family is here but the visa was declined meaning that I need to make other plans or return home and give up my dreams.

I am eternal fighter for what I want, my survival instinct is very strong, I know this deep down but right now it just feels as if what ever I try to do I get pushed back.  I follow my heart only to find it broken once again into tiny little shards of splintered glass.

Despondent? yes I feel as if I may as well give up on everything I dream, hand in the gloves and call it all quits and yet another part of me says NO don’t do it fight it, try and get a job in Ireland… its still close and I can commute to see my family… the brother and sister I was telling you about earlier.  No matter how hard I try to stay positive the negative thoughts are creeping in… what if I don’t get that visa either… can I honestly take another let down like that?

My heart falters on that question for I can not honestly tell you if I could survive such a thing yet again, for a fourth time.  I have been under a lot of stress recently, yes I know this, yes I lost my good friend only a couple of weeks ago… so all in all I am despondent with life…

I sit on the fence, hanging in the balance.  On the left stands my fighting spirit, positive thoughts and my eternal fight to go on, to fight for what I want in life, for my dreams.  On the right stands despondency, failure, the need to give it all up, to just accept that I will never get what I want in this lifetime, that I will always fail and in the end be let down, as always.

So here I sit on the fence, swaying from left to right, one moment on the left the other on the right… I sit on the fence holding on tight not knowing what to do… my knuckles are going white from the strain of holding on, my heart weak, my legs even weaker.  The wind is beginning to blow and a decision needs to be made… I have 2 days to decide whether to take my flight home on the 15th or to stay (albeit with no money) and try and get a job in Ireland… 2 days is all I have…

… one boring old fart sitting on the fence…

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Dispondent beyond belief

  1. In your own words, “Never give up, it is when it all seems pointless that it has the most meaning. Sometimes when we are hurt so much in our lives we start to believe that we don’t deserve the happiness we see in others, we believe that we will hurt the very people that love us, our fear can cripple us. Take a deep breath and let it out, don’t hold back for you DESERVE the happiness coming your way, you DESERVE the love that people shower upon you and most of all you are LOVED because of who you are, one of the most incredible people I have ever known! Let the sun shine upon you and soon you will feel it’s warmth touch you, soon you will believe…”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s