I am a worthwhile person who deserves love, friendship and kindness

No I was not paid to say that

Once upon a time I was chatting to one particular friend and it came about that the one word we said with incredible regularity was “sorry”.  We both did. It got so ridiculous that we just stopped one day and said “Right the next person to say THAT word gets to write a post of the others choosing”.  I failed yes. For the record though let me just say that I have written a post about this word called “The multi-talented “Sorry” … no brownie points? Kudo’s? Can I get out of this now? Please?

So you got it right, yes, the post selected for me is “I am a worthwhile person, who deserves love, friendship and kindness”. Cruel, how could you ever think that I deserve those things? I mean come on!!!

Stop laughing

Ironic, yes.

Truth is that if you talk to me either via IM or in person, ten to one if you don’t believe that above statement, I will help you to start believing in the truth of it.  I will make it my silent mission to get you to believe each and every word of that line. That is just the way I am and I believe that is part of my life’s purpose, to get you to believe in yourself, to smile with your eyes again and to really live with purpose.

I said it was ironic ok. Oh boy this is difficult – consider this payback for all the trouble I put everyone through, all those really hard things.  That woman has opened more than a can of Whoopass on my head here. Thank you. Enough stalling, now for the meat, *breathe*

I am a worthwhile person, who deserves love, friendship and kindness.

Such a simple statement and yet the words don’t roll off my tongue.  When I say them out loud my tongue becomes tied and it just comes out goobledy gook. I am dead serious.  Tell me, why should I believe that statement? Should I really practice what I preach? These are rhetorical questions.

Yes I am still stalling for some reason this is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I will not blame any of this on my past nor on the people gone before but one does get acclimatised to certain trends.

If you grow up in a house that doesn’t eat fish ten to one you will not eat it.

If you grow up in a house where music doesn’t feature the chances of you not being all that interested in it is even higher.

If you you grow up surrounded by people who just don’t care, if you have never been shown unconditional love ten to one you are going to believe that it is a myth, that it is will always be one sided.

If you are shown time and time again that people, humans, can’t be trusted you learn from young the different levels of trust, break the thread and you just get put into a different box.

If people promise things constantly and never deliver you realise that that is the way it works, you don’t count on anyone or anything.

My self worth, what I believe it to be and everything else that goes with it is conditioned much like a child kept in a kennel. The child learns to sit, stay, eat out of a bowl when told just like a dog.  Although for me it was not literal it was much the same in the sense that I learnt from early on that this is just the way it is, this is human nature.

Self worth was never questioned, certain things just were.  People can not be trusted. People only love you when you can do something for them. People will leave you if you don’t do as they say. Your body is for them not yours. You are not perfect. You are bad. People are selfish and look out for themselves.  People don’t care. People will drop me just like a tissue in to the toilet bowl… those are the the lessons I have learnt and now I am in the process of unlearning them and learning a new set.  I can not just flip a switch and the light comes on, it is a process. It is not easy.

Dang I am shaking

I love humans, I love my friends, I love giving freely not for any reason but because I can.  I love unconditionally and I never expect anything in return.  I will never intentionally hurt you nor go out of my way to make life hell for you.  If you are my friend I will quite literally give an arm for you, would risk my life for you.  Is that bad? That is who I am and who I will always be.

To some, those two paragraphs of what I have learnt and how I am may contradict, for me they just are.  I can love you with my whole heart but at the same time I can not understand why you would love me, why you would want to do anything for me or be nice to me. This is wrong, I understand that.

I have been trying to recondition myself, not easy when the history gets repeated time and time again.  My life has always been one sided, every time I started to believe that it wasn’t so someone went and proved to me that the lessons of the past were correct.

I am learning with each day that passes that people do love me for who I am.  I am learning with each moment of the day that not everyone is bad just generally those people gone past.  I am learning that others give without expecting anything in return.  I am learning that some people do love me unconditionally. I am learning that I am not such a bad person after all, that I am worthy of other peoples love, that I am valuable in peoples lives and that I don’t deserve to be treated like gum under a persons shoe.

I am learning, I am scared, I am shit scared, but I am learning.

How does it feel to knock all these walls down?

It is like walking into the ocean without a life jacket and not knowing how to swim.  At times I float and at other times I panic as the water goes into my mouth, at times it feels like I am drowning.  Day by day that passes I am getting to know the tides, which waves I can trust and which ones are dangerous.

Without knowing it you help me, with your posts, your comments, emails and IM’s, you help me, each and every single one of you.

You challenge me, show me that not all humans are bad, show me that I can trust, that you do love unconditionally.  You help me believe that perhaps I am not such a bad person, perhaps I am lovable, perhaps I am worthy… perhaps…

If you can do it, so can I, If Dave Pelzer can do it so can I, as Richard Branson says “Screw it, lets do it”

I am not scared of the demons within me, I am determined to face each and everyone of them, I will not run from them.  Challenge me, I am open to anything and everything, challenge me!

Bring it on!

The photo my sister took of me up there really is symbolic in the sense of what it means to me, where I am and what I am in the process of doing.  I am merging into the light, crawling, running, jumping, clawing my way from the darkness… I am becoming. Perhaps this image will now make more sense…

My life’s current theme song – Hilary Duff’s Someone’s Watching Over Me

I found myself today,
Oh I found myself and ran away,
something pulled me back,
Voice of reason I forgot I had,
All I know is your not here to say,
What you always used to say,
But it’s written in the sky tonight
CHORUS
So I won’t give up,
no I won’t break down,
sooner than it seems life turns around,
and I will be strong
even if it all goes wrong,
when I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe,
someone’s watching over me
VERSE 2
Seen that ray of light,
and it’s shining on my destiny
shining all the time
and I won’t be afraid
to follow everywhere it”s taking me
all I know is yesterday is gone
and right now I belong
to this moment, to my dreams
CHORUS
So I won’t give up,
no I wont’ break down,
sooner than it seems life turns around,
and I will be strong
even if it all goes wrong
when I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe
someone’s watching over me
BRIDGE what does it mean
It doesn’t matter what people say
and it doesn’t matter how long it takes
believe in yourself and you’ll fly, high,
and it only matters how true you are
be true to yourself and follow your heart
CHORUS
So I won’t give up,
no I wont’ break down,
sooner than it seems life turns around,
and I will be strong
even if it all goes wrong
when I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe…
That I won’t give up,
no I wont’ break down,
sooner than it seems life turns around,
and I will be strong
even if it all goes wrong
when I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe….
that someone’s watching over
someone’s watching over
someone’s watching over me
yeah yeah oh-OH..
Someone’s watching over me…

Thank you

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29 thoughts on “I am a worthwhile person who deserves love, friendship and kindness

  1. “To some, those two paragraphs of what I have learnt and how I am may contradict, for me they just are. I can love you with my whole heart but at the same time I can not understand why you would love me, why you would want to do anything for me or be nice to me. This is wrong, I understand that. ”

    Dear Sanity, this is typical of the people who crave being loved: they’ll offer their life for others but feel they are not worth the reciprocated attention, which is a contradiction in itself. They feel loved if they love but they push away love when it’s coming because they don’t feel worth for it. A mental block that I know very well.
    Your posts are a writing therapy that help you more than you can feel it yet 🙂

  2. This is one of the most beautifully touching things I’ve ever read. Children do learn what they live and learn by what they’ve been taught to learn. Isn’t it good that your now on the upswing and learning that you are a WONDERFUL friend and human being? Isn’t that the important thing? WOW. I just don’t know what to say and that doesn’t happen to me very often.

    YOU ARE a worthwhile person who deserves love, friendship and kindness so please don’t forget it.

  3. FW It is human nature to want to be loved and have love as is survival instinct. The problem comes in when the survival instinct still rides supreme, it surpasses all needs for it is the greater. My survival instincts are really strong for many reasons. As you say, my posts are therapy, it is one of the reasons why I started blogging.

    Beautiful quote, very apt for me as I have little patience lol

    Joy Consider it payback for I am now speechless, your words knocked the wind out of me in a good way. Thank you so much, there are more words but they aren’t in my mouth but rather in my heart – can’t translate.

  4. Each time I read about your journey, I am both grieved that you were not appreciated in the past and happy that you are discovering your own worth. Though I don’t really know you well yet, I see in you a person who is designed to be generally happy and engaged with other people; it’s a joy to see this unfolding into reality in your life even when those movements forward are hard won.

  5. Ilegirl, it’s really ironic that I love people and I am a laugher, a loud one at that, you know me better than you think lol. An easy life is a boring life and I get bored easily! Thanks for your kind words they mean a lot

    @mmo ditto

  6. I’m so glad we met and I’m glad you’re sharing on this. Often with your humor and brightness, which are both wonderful, it’s easy to foget the vulnerable, needy person who needs reassurance. So please let me reassure you that I think you are really, truly a worthwhile person who deserves a huge portion of love, friendship and kindness! And a second helping if there’s still room! 🙂

  7. Martha thanks hun that means a lot!

    Amber don’t you know it *points at the words bet satisfied* <– does this mean its quits now???

    Kan jy afrikaans verstaan want ek gaan nou jammer se… hows that? if you can’t understand then you can’t bust me?

    Yeah I’m a brat just wait till you see my next post it will blow you away *grins*

  8. Thank you! I believe it might have been that post of yours that instigated one times moon person to make me write this thing above. I blame others never myself – new motto

    Am designing = loopy soz

  9. WOW. I am SO glad that you lost that bet………. it seems like work well done and well deserved. Yes, you are learning about the tides, and the funny thing about it is, it doesn’t mean that you will necessarily be totally free of fear in the future, but you will learn better how to safely swim. That is all you need to be a strong human being and still have an open heart. Every good thing that comes your way is well deserved; and I am grateful every day for you coming my way…… MWAH!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. You are not alone in this journey to learn how precious you really are….my friend, I have been on a similiar journey, in my post today in fact that is why I said what I said to the 15 yr old version of me 🙂

    http://hearttoheart.wordpress.com/2008/08/03/dear-me-in-1973/

    I love what you said here: “I am learning that others give without expecting anything in return. I am learning that some people do love me unconditionally. I am learning that I am not such a bad person after all, that I am worthy of other peoples love, that I am valuable in peoples lives and that I don’t deserve to be treated like gum under a persons shoe.”

    it is true.

  11. I’m a little late in commenting but I’m here anyway :] I don’t know what to say but this post is brilliant! It’s beautiful, simply beautiful and it simply hit me!

  12. Vanessa Yes I lose a lot of bets with her, she is sneaky but wise and whips my ass with the sweetest smile you’d swear she didn’t have horns, gotta love her! Thanks you I am grateful to!

    DM I cried at that post, I read it just after writing this and I was going to remove this and do that rather but then I thought hell its done now and it was hell leave it up. Thanks you

    Glaize never late hun, thanks you!

  13. One thing marriage has taught me is that while you can have the emotions of love while doubting your own worth, you can’t always do the actions of it. In order to truly give of yourself completely, to do all that is possible to give someone else a better life, you have to believe in your own worth or it all starts crumbling down.

    And you are a worthwhile person- I may not know you well, but it radiates out into everything you write. It’s obvious.

  14. Lindsey So very true it is scary, I learnt that a long time ago and I still carry it with me. One of the hardest lessons I have ever learnt though as you can see I am still fighting with it. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot! Hang in there! YOU are a worthwhile person beyond words

    Kwoneshe2 There are days where I wonder if we weren’t separated at birth – to me it seems that the stork got so confused that I was born in the wrong decade and most definitely continent… Stay insane – am about to have a glass for you *grins*

  15. It is really important to keep telling yourself that you are worth it because you need to hear and it means the most when you can tell it to yourself. Have you ever read any posts at GPYP?

  16. GPYP? Sorry am blonde, well I used to be now I’m pretending to be a brunette – I couldn’t agree with you more, we got to believe it within ourselves first and foremost.

  17. See, I always told you that you need to learn something from me…finallly you realised???

    😛 Amaaazzzin post babe! Knows and feels the realisation that you get everyday from those that love you and surround you. Just let the negatives flow all out of you and you will be the newwwwwww inspiration for others to follow!

  18. SG – very interesting indeed, will take some time to read everything but I see what you mean. It is very focused and gives good pointers. Thanks for sharing it – its in my RSS now!

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