F/H: Waxing

*Sent in by Froggywoogie

image My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,    play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.  No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.  Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself …….RRRIIIIPPPP!!!!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!……OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!

Another deep breath and RIPP!!

Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out… must stay conscious… must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!  There’s no hair on it! Where’s the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX????

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake… remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut! Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘ Please don’t let me get the urge to poop, My head may pop off!’ What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!

I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub… in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt the cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks, inbetween or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.  YEAH!!!!! Right! I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.  What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s soooo painful, but I really don’t care. ‘IT WORKS!!!!’  It works! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…THE HAIR IS STILL HERE….ALL OF IT!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……..

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11 thoughts on “F/H: Waxing

  1. Good Lord, what an adventurous life you girls are having. I do not want to be a woman ever, not even in one single incarnation, no way.
    But thanks for sharing this, I appreciate my own life more now.

  2. I just got back from a haircut and eye-brow waxing. I was telling my stylist this and we were almost peeing in out pants!!! I didn’t dare even bring my coffee to the computer. It’s just a hilarious the second time around.

  3. ROFL and men get chastized for not following directions!

    Don’t you realize how many tests that was underwent in order to save your nether regions from such pain?

    None the less we sure do appreciate you willingness to be such an adventurous!

    Maybe next weekend I can talk my Mrs. into waxing my back hair! 🙂

  4. Hayden ROFLMAO now you have ME in hysterics with your response!!! Congrats with the book – everyone head over there and READ its incredible!

    Robert it makes me wonder how the hell Robbie Williams does his butt – yip he waxes his cheeks! OUCH

    Joy LMAO am so glad that I got you laughing so hard haha scaredy cat re the coffee tsk *waves hallo to stylist* What does the hairball look like nows? You go brunette? Purple???

    Froggywoogie you did that indeed, thank you again for sending it through!

    Mssc54 oh boy if you are into torture go for it, the only thing I allow to be waxed on me is my eyebrows and even then my knuckles go white – dunno. I feel sorry for the people who did the testing eeeek ouch!

  5. HI

    1st time on your blog and i randomly picked a post to read and wowwww.. havent stopped laughing since i started reading this one…[no offence.. can imagine how much pain u were in …] 🙂

    Nice blog!!

  6. Joy I want an photo puleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez you so know you want to come now… you know I can be trusted right?

    Aaarti welcome to insanity! Lol no offense taken luckily it wasn’t me – my experience with wax I will still have to write about lol – glad it got you laughing, love that part about it all!

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