Cape Town 101

* I received this in an email, I so wish I had written it first dang!

– from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

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Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. It was founded by Batman on his way to Melbourne from Holland in 1652.

Cape Town is also called “The Mother City”, believed to be due to the highly expressive vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words “your mother” feature regularly) and the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy hollow.

image Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike most mountains, it is flat). Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart transplant operation at its “Great Skewer” Hospital by Christian Barnyard.

Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first.

Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.

It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is “Jou ma se *%#@”, often abbreviated to “Jou ma”, which means, roughly “Good day and good health to you and your good mother, sir!”

Robin Island was named after Batman’s faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed “Robbin’ Island” and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and more sharks in it.

image In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still persists. Efforts to redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the “mugg’em” initiative.

Popular sports are pretentiousness, drunk-driving, pole-vaulting, French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke.

image Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an “Amishisation” policy, and has turned it’s back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of “power cuts”, and it is to be replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and sing-alongs for entertainment.

image Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.

image Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This is delightfully done by means of a monument which includes important tools to road-making such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude’s head.

Bergies are Cape Town’s world famous mountaineers who live on Table Mountain and often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian greeting of “Jou maaaa se *%$@!”

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10 thoughts on “Cape Town 101

  1. This was so interesting to me. I don’t know much about your side of the world so thanks for doing this. I just love the way that bridge looks. Are you pulling my leg, is it really a bridge???? I’ve been known to fall for anything!!!

  2. It really is a bridge but they just stopped construction on it, no one truly knows why so the myths are rampant! I’ve always wanted to go sit on the end with a bottle of champagne and just watch the sunset over the bay but you know my luck I’d fall off for sure!

  3. Amber indeed I was most upset when I realised someone had stolen an idea I had to write on but then heck, why the hell not you knows?

    Shady sadly that is a devastating fire, it was actually caused by a Brit who threw a cigarette butt out of the window. The poor guy got charged with manslaughter because an elderly woman hiking was killed in the fire. Not a pleasant vacation out come hmm.

  4. Woooo this was insightful…!! I like the invisible bridge..and I would sit at the end of it with a bottle of margarita…along with a bar tender refilling it everytime.

  5. Deeps it was a slight rip off me fraids but ultimately true in most senses of the word lol ooo margarita’s!

    Chloe, sadly only the first one, I lost all the photos like these when my motherboard caught alight due to extreme overwork and underpay!

    Martha, thanks you! Yip am most upset that someone got to it first!

    Vanessa… it doesn’t go nowhere tsk tsk it goes where you want it to go… for instance a bit like “Back to the Future” Don’t tell anyone I just admitted to knowing of that one oks!!!

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