Negative thought biases

How on earth did I think I could do this?

I’m just going to screw it up, know I am…

I’m not built for this, nope, not me, I’m not strong enough…

Who was I to think that I am capable???

What if I hurt them?

I am pathetic, weak and insignificant…

I am not normal, I can’t even think positively about myself, why am I thinking that I can’t do these things, I am pathetic…

The list goes on and on with no end. No end until you reign it in and tell the negative thought biases to go to hell.  It’s a constant battle until it all but disappears, a battle I have fought for many years and not quite conquered yet.

They rear their ugly heads in the strangest of times, perhaps not so strange though when one steps back and looks inwards.  Its the times of stress, times of change and of growth that we are challenged, when we are put to the test.  I used to call it a fault of mine, one of my negatives, but I have grown passed that and learnt that it is merely one of those products that I need to outgrow and learn from.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for and in all honestly I can do anything I put my mind to.  Practice makes perfect, never a truer word said, constant battles within ones self to correct the negatives with a positive. Over and over again, combat of internal wits, fight after fight, who wins is up to us.

The diatribe doesn’t last so long anymore, sometimes I forget what it is and beat myself silly over things that a normal person wouldn’t blink at.  Sometimes the self beating is so hard that I have a panic attack, curl up in a ball and just cry.  I am human but I am a human that wants to heal, I’m sometimes scared of the big wide world, scared of screwing up and hurting others, of not doing my best… and that’s ok.

Practice makes perfect, a daily reminder to try as hard as you can in order to conquer the demons that inhabit us.  No one is perfect but we can all grow past the things that stop us being all we can be.  Life is what you make of it.

This post is perhaps not as clearly written as it would normally be, my thoughts are slightly random at the moment, quite possibly for the above reasons.  The calm within the storm will come soon and I will be a new and improved version of the older me… oh man I can’t wait! Dang!

Sorry if I haven’t been reading as often, replying to emails and the likes – IM is easier for me right now but I will try respond as soon as possible…

Thank you for all the love and hugs, each day I get emails filled with them and it fills me with hope, keeps me going through this time of transformation.


6 thoughts on “Negative thought biases

  1. I think you are simply taking some time for self reflection; something we all need to do more often I imagine. In the end, only You can take care of You and only You know what needs to be done to do that. So, dear friend take time to heal the body, mind and spirit . . . and you will spring back refreshed and anew. I know the feeling. In my selfishness, I do miss your presence but I do understand as I have been there often.

    Peace, Light and Love . . . CordieB

  2. Oh dear. I hate it when that bitch comes a biting! That doubtful pitying a-hole! But you know what? If always gets better… if we just take it one step at a time, one day at a time… we can breathe, and let it slide on past – because we KNOW the truth. We know that we ARE good, no GREAT! And, like you said… We can do anything we set our minds to!

    And I don’t believe that you will harm those kids! Your intentions are pure! And that is all they need…

    Big hugs babe! And please don’t be so hard on yerself… we all fuck up from time to time… we’re allowed to… and you know what makes it ok? The fact that we acknowledge it, and then we fix it!

    Miss you my friend!

    Missing you as well huns, you’re the bestest!

  3. Every since I started my new job in September, I’ve read less blogs and had less spare time. That’s how it is.

    I love this on the negative thought biases. So good you point it out. It’s how I felt the first week of my new job. Since then, it’s definitely gotten better, but there are still moments and days when they creep back in. Bad days at work, or I’m tired, feel overwhelmed, then those doubts come back.

    But I’ve taken to telling myself that there are good days as well as bad. They are all part of the job, part of life. On the whole, I’m doing a good job. And on the bad or challenging days, I tend to learn the most! In the learning process, I give myself a good grade when I only make the same mistake once! Mistakes tend to sit better in my memory than simply memorizing how to do something. There is an old saying I have repeated rather frequently: “It’s not the end of the world.” And another one: “Life goes on.” Things go wrong, things happen — even for us! 🙂

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