To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
— Paul Beatty
In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out.
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
The trouble with children is that they’re not returnable.
There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.