It’s the one holiday I really can’t stand. Easter is fine because its filled with chocolate eggs, each year I buy myself a few and satisfy my thighs and the rolls upon my stomach, its fun. Christmas? No, never fun, never has been except for the ones I spent alone.
Perhaps you are sitting there shaking your head at the mere idea that someone could hate the Christmas season but perhaps you will understand if you manage to read to the end.
Santa was always nice to me. The night before, Christmas Eve, I would always try and stay awake as late as I could in hope of catching Santa dropping off presents for me. I never quite managed it and always ended up waking up super early in hope that his sleigh had broken down. Sadly it never did and he always drank the whiskey, milk and cookies! Not a crumb left for me, ever.
I would crawl out of bed super quiet so I didn’t wake up the grown ups and then sneak to where the Christmas tree was in the lounge and look at all the presents. I remember having wondering in my heart at the fact that Santa must be so strong to carry all the presents in, it made sense to me that he had to eat so many cookies. I mean he used up a lot of energy just pulling all the presents for the world around on his back!
Eventually the adults would wake up and have coffee, I would beg them to allow my younger brother and I to open them up but they would always make us wait. With the intense taste of anticipation on my tongue they would finally say it was ok to open them. I would always take my time, peeling off the sticky tape so that mother could reuse the paper as she requested, folding it away for next Christmas. Slowly I would start see the present peep through the paper and with butterflies in my stomach I would stare in wonder at my beautiful presents. I always loved everything I got and wrote Santa letters to say thank you.
All cleared away, my brother and I would start playing with our toys. Heaven.
The first beer was opened, then a second, a third and a fourth. Heaven no more.
A drink spilt… “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”
A question of lunch… “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”
Brother gets frustrated trying to do his blocks and cries “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”
Christmas was beating high season, it was fight club delight, there was never much love at Christmas time.
Teenage years were much the same, always fights, always someone disowning someone else, someone screaming hate at another and me cowering in a corner or crying myself to sleep.
Adult life once again the same. No matter who I was with or where I went there were fights. The ex in laws were even worse, drunken abusive fights gone very wrong, anger, rage, flying pots and pans, glasses thrown in each others faces, it was a circus. Time and time again it all end with me having panic attacks because brought on by full senses flashbacks.
One Christmas I decided not to spend with family because I was invited away by a close friend of mine and thought wow perhaps this will be different. She was in a mood with her on and off boyfriend, a mutual friend. He had lost his brother the previous year to suicide, I was standing talking to him when he got the news on that horrible day.
He was crying in the room and didn’t want to talk about it so I gave him a hug and told him that my ears were always his if he wanted to chat. A hug and I stood up to see my friend standing in the doorway red faced and frothing at the mouth, she claimed that I was trying to steal her boyfriend. This woman was 10 years older than me, she knew my moral code of not going where others have been before. It didn’t count. A one sided cat fight ensued as I silently sat on the bed, jaw hanging almost to the ground, shocked.
There were many many many more incidents, the older I get the more I gather, Christmases filled with everything but love.
Perhaps I am an idealist but for me Christmas is a time of showing love and feeling love, laughter, happy moments and joy.
Am I wrong?
So here is my two favours to you…
First … If you have happy Christmas memories please write about them so that I can read and feel your memories, may they show me that there are people in this world that experience Christmas as I have always dreamed…
Second … This Christmas time, who ever you are, where ever you are, fill this time with nothing but love, love for yourself and for those in your life, those special people whom you treasure.
May this Christmas time be filled with nothing but love, hope, happy memory making moments, laughter and joy for each and everyone of you.
Merry <– Christmas