Why I hate Christmas

imageIt’s the one holiday I really can’t stand.  Easter is fine because its filled with  chocolate eggs, each year I buy myself a few and satisfy my thighs and the rolls upon my stomach, its fun. Christmas? No, never fun, never has been except for the ones I spent alone.

Perhaps you are sitting there shaking your head at the mere idea that someone could hate the Christmas season but perhaps you will understand if you manage to read to the end.

Santa was always nice to me.  The night before, Christmas Eve, I would always try and stay awake as late as I could in hope of catching Santa dropping off presents for me.  I never quite managed it and always ended up waking up super early in hope that his sleigh had broken down.  Sadly it never did and he always drank the whiskey, milk and cookies! Not a crumb left for me, ever.

I would crawl out of bed super quiet so I didn’t wake up the grown ups and then sneak to where the Christmas tree was in the lounge and look at all the presents.  I remember having wondering in my heart at the fact that Santa must be so strong to carry all the presents in, it made sense to me that he had to eat so many cookies. I mean he used up a lot of energy just pulling all the presents for the world around on his back!

Eventually the adults would wake up and have coffee, I would beg them to allow my younger brother and I to open them up but they would always make us wait.  With the intense taste of anticipation on my tongue they would finally say it was ok to open them.  I would always take my time, peeling off the sticky tape so that mother could reuse the paper as she requested, folding it away for next Christmas.  Slowly I would start see the present peep through the paper and with butterflies in my stomach I would stare in wonder at my beautiful presents.  I always loved everything I got and wrote Santa letters to say thank you.

All cleared away, my brother and I would start playing with our toys.  Heaven.

The first beer was opened, then a second, a third and a fourth.  Heaven no more.

A drink spilt… “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”

A question of lunch… “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”

Brother gets frustrated trying to do his blocks and cries “SF get to the room NOW and wait for me to come, I am going to go choose what to beat you with”

Christmas was beating high season, it was fight club delight, there was never much love at Christmas time.

Teenage years were much the same, always fights, always someone disowning someone else, someone screaming hate at another and me cowering in a corner or crying myself to sleep.

Adult life once again the same.  No matter who I was with or where I went there were fights. The ex in laws were even worse, drunken abusive fights gone very wrong, anger, rage, flying pots and pans, glasses thrown in each others faces, it was a circus.  Time and time again it all end with me having panic attacks because brought on by full senses flashbacks.

One Christmas I decided not to spend with family because I was invited away by a close friend of mine and thought wow perhaps this will be different.  She was in a mood with her on and off boyfriend, a mutual friend.  He had lost his brother the previous year to suicide, I was standing talking to him when he got the news on that horrible day.

He was crying in the room and didn’t want to talk about it so I gave him a hug and told him that my ears were always his if he wanted to chat.  A hug and I stood up to see my friend standing in the doorway red faced and frothing at the mouth, she claimed that I was trying to steal her boyfriend.  This woman was 10 years older than me, she knew my moral code of not going where others have been before.  It didn’t count. A one sided cat fight ensued as I silently sat on the bed, jaw hanging almost to the ground, shocked.

There were many many many more incidents, the older I get the more I gather, Christmases filled with everything but love.

Perhaps I am an idealist but for me Christmas is a time of showing love and feeling love, laughter, happy moments and joy.

Am I wrong?

So here is my two favours to you…

First … If you have happy Christmas memories please write about them so that I can read and feel your memories, may they show me that there are people in this world that experience Christmas as I have always dreamed…

Second … This Christmas time, who ever you are, where ever you are, fill this time with nothing but love, love for yourself and for those in your life, those special people whom you treasure.

May this Christmas time be filled with nothing but love, hope, happy memory making moments, laughter and joy for each and everyone of you.

Merry <– Christmas



14 thoughts on “Why I hate Christmas

  1. may i get to know you lindsey, my name is olonade raymond sunday, i love meeting poeple. i will liketo ask you are you married? and more details about you, and aslo i will like to have your phone number plus your yahoo mailing address…

  2. Christmas was actually the one time my father managed to get it right, so Christmas actually held my few fondest memories from childhood.

    He played viola, so we would go to midnight mass on Christmas Eve while he played. The whole thing was in latin, which was pretty exotic to me. (Nobody does Christmas like a Catholic Church.)

    Then we’d go home and I would try my hardest to stay awake listening for Santa. A couple of times I thought I heard bells of a sleigh, at least, I hoped I thought I heard.

    We couldn’t open our presents, just our stocks and any presents in the stockings. The stockings always had breakfast – a tangerine in the toe, trail mix with chocolate chips, kisses, mini-chocolates, everything we were never allowed to eat during the year!

    Next to it would be corned beef hash, triscuits, and oysters/salmon. Sean and I would split a cereal variety pack (all the cereals we were never usually allowed to eat). Whe’d take turns. One of us would pick first. The second one got to pick two, and then so on and so forth.

    We’d get to open one medium sized gift before Christmas Dinner.

    Afterwards, we’d open our presents one at a time so everyone could see and enjoy. My Grandma always took notes as to who gave us what, but we never actually wrote Thank You Notes.

    Anyway, I’m sorry Christmas wasn’t a happy time for you.

  3. Sis: I am sending you a big, warm, and understanding hug. I will NEVER hate on you for not enjoying Christmas, for I understand where it comes from for you……

    I love you.

    I have many, many happy Christmas memories that I will share with you until the end of this lifetime, and will write some of those stories over at my place as well. Suffice it to say, thank goodness we are humans that can change and grow and make a different life for ourselves. You will have that chance, I feel it in my soul.

    And, rest assured, there will be an overflowing of the cup of joy and love during our holiday fest- it actually is a holiday Love fest now that I think about it………. we are in our glory!!!

    Sending you hugs and smooches too, dear sister of my soul.


  4. I hope this year will be better for you!!!

    And if you some year want to get to the land where there is no christmas, you can always come to us!!

  5. When I got to be an adult with my own home, I made sure I filled my home with love, laughter, warmth, food and light. Ammo, though grumpy spent happy Christmases at our place.

    I fill stockings with goodies, so when you wake up first thing in the morning (I jump on you mind you – cause I am so excited) we open those up first to see what Santa brought. Then comes the coffee and warm homemade either stuffed Cinnamon rolls, or Panetone, or whatever with a lit fireplace and a tree heaving full of Christmas presents. There are usually so many presents under that tree you’d think there was 100 people in my home. LOL. I like to wrap them all with beautiful ribbons and bows. Sometimes as we unwrap presents we drink either belinis or mimosas. Yumm. Each person opens presents one by one. That takes several hours.

    Then we go to play with presents and I cook dinner. Dinner is always something wonderful and different each time. Not normally traditional. In between we snack on my homemade treats and friends come over to visit and we speak to our loved ones. Its a loving stress free day full of love, smiles, and joy.

    Come on Ammo… isn’t that true?? No one fights… everyone is happy and drunk and MERRY!!!

  6. Oh my dear ISF- no wonder you hate Christmas! One of the givens of abusers is that they make Christmas absolutely miserable for everyone around them. Their gift to all is cruelty. Anyone reading this who came from an abusive family can certainly attest to that.

    The shift in your post from wondrous child to victim of cruelty made ME so angry that you had to go through that. I have happy Christmas memories to share with you..but I feel like it would be eating an 8 course meal while a starving person looks on….I also have sad memories…but I don’t want to go there either…

    And so my dear soul sister, I offer you a Christmas gift of my open heart, wrapped in an exquisite, shiny violet bow.

  7. My dear friend, I cannot share any happy Christmas memories from my childhood – because we never had any. It was socialist times and Christmas was seen as too religious, I guess, so we had Father Frost instead. Nothing to write home about.
    But, they say that since the only thing that counts is here and now (the rest are just images and interpretations that we keep playing with in our minds…), I believe it is never to late to have a happy Christmas. Therefore, my friend, any time you feel like having one, fly over to our house and we’ll create one. I promise. But you will need to help a lot and give us a proper training, since we are really not familiar with all the rituals and need to be educated.

  8. I’ve had some really wonderful Christmases; but there have been a few blue ones too. My family loved to celebrate Christmas with lots of spirits when I was a kid too. Sometimes there were arguments, usually caused by over indulgence. But in all, we had a wonderful time. There were no belts or child abuse. Now that I’m grown, I simply strive to celebrate Christmas as a celebration of love. I always tell people, as does Ness, it’s Christmas all year round with me. I love people and in turn, I’ve been blessed with loving people in my life. I’ve been truly blessed. As hard as it may be, try to forgive those people SF, and love the good that they may have within. . . if they are already passed on. . . try to remember their goodness too. Remember how you and your brother felt while you opening the gifts; and the contrast between the beginning and the events occurring after far too many beers. Alcoholism is an illness. Ensure that the cycle of alcholism stops with you sis . . . and your children and grandchildren will have really wonderful Christmases to look back on . . . . and so will you!

    Aha. . . I see Lindsey has a secret admirer. . . lol.

  9. I was horrified when I read this post. I have always been lucky when it came to holidays, especially Christmas, and it pains me to think that others don’t see this season as joyfully as I do. It’s so sad to be reminded that as children our happiness often rests in the hands of others, and not ourselves.

    Though I didn’t get along with my father during much of my youth, this was completely forgotten at Christmas. Christmas Eve day was spent making presents for all of our extended family that lived in the area, like fruit baskets made from the lemon, lime, tangerine, and grapefruit trees on the side of our house. We’d make Christmas cookies and decorate them, taking care to make sure that each daughter (there were three of us) got the same amount of cookies to cover in icing. That night, we’d hop in the car loaded with gifts, and drive around our town, looking at Christmas lights, singing Christmas carols, and delivering gifts to family and friends that often we hadn’t seen since last Christmas.

    When we got home, we’d have a traditional jewish breakfast for Christmas Eve dinner – latkes, blintzes, bagels with cream chese and lo, and matzo ball soup. After we had cleaned up from dinner and put out the cookies for santa, we were allowed to open the one present that was from my parents (everything else was from Santa). It was always, without fail, pajamas. When I was younger, they were hand made by my mother. We would then all change into our new pj’s, and come back out to the living room, where my mom had either hot chocolate with mini marshmallows or eggnog (never alchoholic!) waiting. We would sit on the couch, sipping our drinks, and my mom would read “Twas the Night Before Christmas” from a pop up book we’d had since we were little, and was falling apart. Then my mom would remind us that we weren’t allowed out of our bedrooms before 6am, and the three girls would all go to sleep.

    Christmas morning we were directed from our bedrooms into my parents room, where we waited with bated breath for my dad to tell us we could come out. He always had the video camera waiting to catch us running down the hall to the Christmas tree. The tree always had loads of presents under it, all wrapped and tagged, but with no names. We had to go to our stockings to find the clue that would tell us which presents were ours. When we were younger, it was the kind of wrapping paper. As we got older, it became things like characters from different stories, Greek and Roman gods and goddesses, or types of mathematical equations, or when were were in college, famous landmarks on the different campuses (my sisters and I all attended different universities). Once we had sorted and opened all our gifts from Santa, we exchanged gifts to each other, my sisters and I passing my parents the gifts they had gotten for each other and the ones we had made or bought them.

    After cleaning up the wrapping paper and putting our gifts in our rooms, we’d have breakfast, and then walk over to my Nana’s house, which was about 5 blocks away. The rest of my extended family would come in and out of her house for the rest of the day, and the rest of Christmas was spent exchanging gifts with family, eating, reading the Christmas story, and enjoying each other’s company. There was never any alcohol present at any Christmas. It was never needed – we were all happy enough without it.

    Though I am now 26, this year will be the first time in my life that I will not be home for Christmas, and only because I am half a world away. I will have friends to share it with, and thanks to Skype I will watch my parents open their presents from me and vice versa (though I only have one present from my parents – everything else is tagged from Santa). It will be a bit hard for me, but it can’t begin to compare with the memories that you have shared with us. I hope this year you will find a Christmas that you will want to remember.

  10. Olonade raymond sunday I approved this comment because it was just too good to be true, it’s been a while since I got such a proposal and I was starting to think that I had lost my gift *sniff* oh dangit … *calls Lindsey over* <— huns got 3 of these on different posts, he is really trying to get hold of you! hmph

    Hayden, those memories are beautiful, I absolutely love the fact that you got to eat all those treats and tried to hear the bells of the sleigh. It brought such a big smile to my face reading your comment! Thanks huns, seriously, thanks!

    Vanessa, glad that you share similar sentiments to me regarding this festive season. I can just picture your home during this time of year, so full of love and laughter, hugs and egg nog lol! *hugs*

    Joy, sorry hun, I didn’t mean to upset you or make you sad through my experience. I am in a better place now, its like day to what was night and I don’t think I will ever go back to that place both spiritually and physically. *hugs*

    Holeycheese thats a date! Can I experience a Hanukkah?

    Amber next year you better make space for 2 adults and 2 kids ok? Say yes please please please coz it sounds like pure heaven

    Ammo you miss christmas Amber style admit it

    Psych, thank you for the most incredible gift I could ever receive, both heart felt and soul felt. *hugs* I know what you mean, cruelty knows no bounds, it gains pleasure from destroying the very thing that should be magical. I would love to hear your memories one day, when you are ready. An 8 course meal it will not be, I never see it like that, instead I gain a lot of hope and warmth through hearing them. Promises!

    Robert, I recently heard about Father Frost and the New Years Tree and presents tradition of the Soviets from a close Ukrainian friend of mine. Perhaps I shall ship him along with me in toe to come and educate you, have a party of the century filled with laughter and happy times… ooo now that sounds good!

    Cordie – indoods Lindsey is a popular girl! I agree with you and most definitely the alcoholism stops where it started, it is the one thing that I will never get into. Sure I drink but not habitually for that reason. It makes normally nice people become vipers! Thanks for your beautiful comment huns, love ya!

    Dreemwhrld thank you for the most beautiful memories, reading your comment, your words and your experiences brought such warmth to my heart and soul. What beautiful beautiful experiences, your family sounds like a strong one, one in which you stick together even if there are a few fights along the way. The true meaning of family. Thanks so much and welcome to Insanity!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s