It’s funny how things don’t come out until triggered. Things from the past that haunt your subconscious mind triggered into the waking moments of little to no consequence.
My physical therapist has me on my stomach often to do weird things to my nerves and muscles in my shoulders and back. I don’t like being on my stomach.
I don’t like it for very specific reasons, ones I haven’t had to contemplate in a very long time.
The majority of times I was beaten I was on my stomach. He’d target my back, my legs and all that goes in between. His weapons of choice were normally wooden spoons, hands, sticks, sometimes metal utensils, what ever was handy if he broke the said items and was still “busy”. He liked the back area of my body because they’re areas normally covered by clothes, areas that weren’t so easily seen by the outside world.
He liked to hide the beatings as his own private pleasure. He didn’t want trouble. If trouble came his way I’d pay.
I’d pay more than anyone would know because I couldn’t tell.
Bad things happened to those who tell.
I used to have a panic attack any time someone would raise a wooden spoon, sometimes even if they just raised something in a certain way, including knives but that is a different topic for a different day. Flash back attacks is what I used to call them. Haven’t had them in decades now. Haven’t thought about it or let it control me in decades.
Strange how triggers bring it all back. Truth is we never really are “far away” from our histories. It’s always there. Always ready to be triggered.
But it doesn’t own me anymore.
Not like it used to once upon a decade or two ago.
Yes, we are the sum of our experiences, but who we are today is stronger for it. We have lived through hell and come out the other side and the bastards that did what they did to us are not sitting in some paradise sipping Pina Colada’s either. I know one of the bastards from my past, this one in particular, leads a lonely unhappy unsatisfying life.
I am not sad for him nor do I need to be. There is no guilt there. He is not forgiven nor forgotten but rather on the sidelines. He doesn’t haunt my every waking thoughts. He just is a chapter in my chapter filled life. An experience that I lived through and came out of the other side.
He doesn’t dictate my future, only I do.
P.S. I just really don’t like lying on my stomach 😉
I was diagnosed with PTSD in my early 20’s relating to my experience filled childhood. It was a long road, a long journey, but one that was worth it. I came out the other side stronger than ever. If you suffer flash backs or similar triggers as I have mentioned above you are not alone. There are more of us out there than you can begin to imagine. A great article along with other links can be found here The Lingering Trauma of Child Abuse