You are worthwhile!

Oh how I wish I had a time machine to transport me to my younger self.  Oh the things I’d tell her, the stories we’d share and the wisdom I have gained in the last 20 decades would be imparted.

I can’t go back but perhaps I could impart the wisdom on others.

The first is believing in what others tell you about yourself is absolute bollocks.

Each beating was earned no matter if it was a cup of juice on the floor, my hair being messy or just because I looked irritating.  For a long time I thought I had to be perfect, that everything I did HAD to be perfect or bad things would happen to me.  This to the point that making a toasted cheese sandwich would have me in a panic in case I didn’t get the crispness just perfect. Beatings were a constant on my horizon from the age of 6 through 10.  They taught me that I was worthless and deserved everything that was done to me.

You are worthwhile no matter what anyone says.  If they don’t think you are they have no place in your life.

At the age of 12 I tried to kill myself by putting a plastic bag over my head and to suffocate.  I wasn’t too successful as you can tell.  My survival instinct kicked in and I realized that if I’d survived being allergic to my own father who died at age 5, years of beatings and seeing my mother being beaten I owed it to myself to survive.  I was still worthless but I knew that there was a strong survival instinct deep inside me that I had to hold on to.

After this I stood up to the man who performed the worst beatings.  I challenged him one day when he came to pick up my brother, his son, and he tried to go for me. My mother stepped in and sent him on his way.  But I stood up for myself for the very first time and it felt beyond good.  She was my hero that day.

At this age I started to understand that everything happens for a reason.  I was getting stronger.

At the age of 14 I was abandoned by my last surviving parent.  She left me to go to another country with her latest husband.  I found myself one day with a mother and a younger brother and the next trying to figure out where to sleep on weekends and during school holidays. Thankfully I was in boarding school in between.  I had to figure out where to get food, make money and survive.  Once again another’s actions told me I was worthless, I wasn’t even worthwhile to stick around for.

You are worthwhile no matter what anyone says.  If they don’t think you are they have no place in your life.

Age 15 I was told I was a pig because of my body.  My step father used to say things like “Pig get me my tea”, “Pig whats for dinner”, “Pig help your mother”, “Pig you are nothing in this world”, “No man is ever going to be satisfied with you”.  I started purging everything that went into my body. Everything. I put myself on a 400 calorie a day diet because you know… you have to at least have some calories.  At the same time I was a competitive swimmer and field hockey player.  I had muscles where most didn’t.  My body shape was natural for my sport but I didn’t know that because I was so clouded by his statements.  I was 15.

I was bulimic until age 20.  Not many years but the damage had been done.  I would never have children.  My need to be perfect and believing in the bull that was drummed into me took my chance of having children I never really saw myself having.  But the fact that I took that opportunity away from myself because of what another believed of me pisses me off mighty big.

Age 17 I found myself in a long term relationship that ended when they became more Christian and believed God would not be pleased.  I loved them truly, my first love, but I wasn’t worth it once again.

Bullshit. Stop believing what others say about you.  Stop believing the crap they drum into your head about how you should be or how you should act.

Be you.

At age 21 I packed up my backpack and bought a ticket to England.  I needed to leave my home country that was filled with all the bad and get on my own feet.  I needed to start believing in myself for once.  It was so empowering. I was stronger. I was allowed to be me for the first time in my life.  I was me.

Then I met my second long term relationship. Old habits die hard.  For the first 2.5 decades I allowed my needs, wants and passions be according to others.  I didn’t fully come out of my own cocoon until one day I woke up realizing that I was with someone who loved cocaine more than me.  Their wants and needs, their life plan was what we had to live according to.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  Not for one more second.

You are worthwhile no matter what anyone says.  If they don’t think you are they have no place in your life.  No man, nor woman for that matter, can tell you who you are or what you are only you know the true you and you are beautiful.

My journey some 15 years later is still progressing with bumps in the road but every now and then I need to remind myself that my dreams, my wants, my passions are valid and real. They should never be subjugated by another one other than me.

I’m still fighting for myself.

I do regret not knowing all of this when I was younger, I wish someone had pulled me a side and just said:

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

I do wish but I am thankful that it only took almost 3 decades to get there.

What happens to us in life are experiences that teach us, that can make us stronger or can break us.  Don’t ever let someone else have the control to break you.

You are worthwhile.

You are beautiful inside and out.

You know who you are and that COUNTS.

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