The story of how I almost killed myself and why I am happy I didn’t…

No this is not Jerry Springer nor is it manufactured for the benefit of anyone, its a hard cold fact to swallow, but I almost died by my own hands and yes I really am grateful and happy that I didn’t succeed.

Suicide has been around for eons, since the beginning of times, it is not a new phenomena but rather ancient practice. Some used (and still do) to do it as a sacrifice for their Gods, others because they’d rather die by their own hands than be killed in war and then finally those who just can’t face another day breathing.

A conversation I have heard many times before:

Person 1: “So and so is just looking for attention, they told me today that they can’t face living anymore, how pathetic!”

Person 2: “Phew, so what did you tell them?”

Person 1: “I told them of course to get a life, stop moping around and to deal deal with it”

Person 2: “Good for you, you don’t need someone like that pulling you down”

Anything strike you as scary in that conversation?

When you are so low, I am talking lower than low, further than darkest of hell, you reach out for one last time. The night before, you find yourself sitting on your bed writing that letter, or worse yet, with the very thing you are going to use to kill yourself. What happens next is the continuation of internal dialogue ending up with you deciding to give it one more chance. You reach out to someone whom you love, you reach out hoping to get some help, for someone to take you in their arms and tell you that you are worth something to them.

Sound strange? No, you have to take into effect where that person is, where they are, each person has a different story. In every person who thinks about killing themselves there are commonalities, there are core emotions and feelings in each and every one. The circumstances may differ, there may be other emotions involved but the cores stay the same.

So what do we feel?

Helpless beyond reasonable doubt, we feel that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to change the situation we find ourselves in, we feel that it is all pointless. Generally we have tried, only to get stone walled or cut short before we succeed, the first, second, third or hundredth hurdle just seems too much, we are helpless. If the world seems to have given up on you how can you believe that you are capable or that anyone would spare the time to help you…

Hopeless doesn’t cover it,but that is what it is, we feel without hope for the now and the future. We feel that no matter what we do it won’t succeed, we feel that the world has given up hope in us so therefore we are hopeless. We feel that everything is pointless, why bother trying when there is no hope…

Unworthy and a waste of space, we feel that there must be a reason why the world can’t stand us, why we are so alone in our thoughts and our feelings, why we can’t relate to anyone, we feel worthless. We try to prove our worth only to get trampled on time and time again, people continually breaking us down. It all makes us think that in reality we would be doing the world a favour by getting “rid” of ourselves. We are a waste of fresh air, let them have it if they want it so bad…

Useless at everything we do, no matter how hard we try we seem to always fail, no matter what it is, it always seems to not meet others view of perfection. Time and time again we are told that we should try harder, we should do things differently, that we have failed either them or at the thing we are trying so hard to do, that what we are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong… There comes a time when we start believing and then “realise” that perhaps were right all along, that we are useless, a waste of space…

Unloved and meaningless to everyone that in the natural order should love you. Parents, family and so called friends seem to abandon you when all of the above are applied. You start to feel all alone in the world, born to be alone for eternity, no one cares, no one ever will. Life starts to look darker than dark, purest of black, how can anyone love someone so pathetic, worthless, hopeless, helpless and useless…

There are many different factors, these are just five of the main emotional themes that flood a person when they have reached the lowest of lows. They are reality, they are what they are. You may think it pathetic, by all means do, it just means you have amazing people in your life and that you have never been broken down so much that you got to that point. If you have amazing people in your life, thank them for they are a gift, imagine life without them, reverse their roles and play it out in your head. How would you feel if you are shown time and time again that people are just cruel, horrible, sadistic, uncaring, unloving and out for number one, what would you feel? How many times would it take you to believe that you are all of those things above if you are both told and shown continually?

I planned my suicide down to the last second, the details I will not give you nor the process, those that have been there know, but know this, it was clinically done and thorough. I wrote the letters to everyone that I had loved, I was ready, sitting on my bed with 30+ sleeping pills all neatly placed in my hand. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I said to myself “You are saving everyone else from yourself, you are doing them a favour, get on with it and save the world once and for all, God made a mistake bringing you into the world, you are now going to correct his gross mistake”.

I sat there for a long while just staring at the pills, three quarters of a bottle of whisky down my gullet, I was mellow, perhaps that is too light a term, I had courage like never before, I was ready. I put some pills in my mouth and swallowed them down, the taste of them made me almost throw up right there and then. I then reread the information pamphlet on what the pills would do if you overdosed, it brought me comfort to know that I would die in my sleep.

Suddenly I thought “What if my plans don’t go like I had planned, what if no one finds me and I rot in my flat for weeks”. The taste of the pills and the large amount of whiskey consumed suddenly clashed in my stomach and I threw everything up. All done, I sat once again on the bed, this time sans the pills in my hand. It was then that I decided to give it one more try, I was going to reach out to someone I did not know well and tell them I needed help, if they didn’t help me then I would finish the job. Please note that at this point I had told no one of my plans or that I had been thinking about it.

I sent a text message to a Therapist saying “I am in trouble, I need help, I am sending you this text so that I won’t do anything to myself, an emotional contract between you and me. That is all”. By sending that text message I had made an emotional contract, I now could not do it because I had promised someone else that I wouldn’t do it until I saw them, until I had given them a chance to speak to me. I was beyond shame, I didn’t care anymore what anyone thought, I was more than ready to end it, this was the last chance I would give the world.

No one knew that I was so low, no one knew the amount of times I had written those letters, no one knew that I had planned everything, no one knew because I had not told anyone, we rarely do. I didn’t want anyone to know because they would make a fuss, because they would seem fake in their kindness if they showed it, because I was beyond trusting their “love” for me, I just did not believe in humanity anymore.

The therapist phoned me on the Monday following the text message and she thanked me for keeping the contract, for speaking to her and for asking for help. Just by those words alone I felt some worth, hey she was a therapist and they’re paid to say those things but it made me feel like I had perhaps, just perhaps, done the right thing. A sliver of hope.

It was a long journey from there, it was scarier than scary at times. On my first meeting with her I didn’t care what she thought of me, I was beyond that, she asked me what led up to me wanting to kill myself and I told her. She validated the feelings I felt, she told me that she was surprised that I had lasted so long, she also told me that I had done the right thing by texting her. She then thanked me for being willing to give her a chance to prove that what I thought was not the case.

She proved me wrong, she showed me a different perspective and showed me how to deal with the people who had helped get me so low. She taught me and I learnt, I lived because she showed that she cared. It doesn’t matter that I paid her, no matter who the therapist is, they are still human and they still have the capacity to show care or to not, she did.

There are many different perspectives to suicidal thoughts, there are many different scenarios that play out, it doesn’t change the cores.

Sometimes people will say “Well how about I just kill myself, save you the hassle of dealing with me” or “You know what, I just can’t take this shit anymore, I may as well just kill myself”. If it is said in anger or tears, it doesn’t change the fact that it has been said for it means that that person has thought about it, had to have in order for them to just spit it out. If and when that happens it means that one or more of the above cores are present, it means that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Suicidal thoughts are reality, they are ever present and human. Those who have them are not abnormal, rather they are more than normal, it means that there is a problem in the “local matrix”. If you think these thoughts it doesn’t make you pathetic, it doesn’t make you weak or subhuman, abnormal or an idiot, it means that you are human. So often we reach out to those that we love only to get our feelings and thoughts reflected back on us, only to have them confirmed.

By me texting someone anonymous I felt safe, safe from peoples scorn, from their pity, from their rage and confirmations – I was so low that I knew I couldn’t handle any more of that. Making an emotional contract with a faceless person saved my life, by opening up the yellow pages, looking at the names and trying to figure out which one sounded like the one for me, I am alive today.

That was not so long ago, I now not only see my worth but feel it as well, I see and recognise my talents for what they are, I recognise the fact that there are bad people in the world and that we do have a choice about who we let in to our lives and who we refuse. It was a long journey but I am grateful that I did it, I am grateful that I am alive today and that I didn’t succeed.

Some might say “Oh come on I am different, you might have been able to do it but I am beyond what you felt, I am beyond love, less worthy than an ant in the desert” You are wrong, very wrong, reach out to an anonymous person be it online or off, but someone you don’t know, someone that isn’t a causing factor and see for yourself.

If someone has ever said those words I mentioned above or hinted at the fact that they are thinking about it, even in jest, don’t take it lightly. Do research online to see how you may help that person, speak to a therapist yourself to get guidance, but more importantly show that you care and love, give the person a hug not a slap in the face.

If you know of someone who has committed suicide, know this. More often than not there is no warning, they kept it quiet and in their own world, they did not want sympathy nor did they want anyone to try and stop them. There are always many factors involved, never just the one. I never uttered a word to anyone about my plans nor what I was going to do, how or when.

There is a lot of guilt left behind in those that remain, the loved ones in the suicidal’s life, the pain caused by this single act runs deep and far. The saddest thing of all is that they aren’t alive to see just how much people really did love them.

Hug someone today, tell someone you love them for who they are not what they are. Cherish the people in your life and support them, don’t break them down.

Some of us never got that chance, we lost loved ones to suicide, take it from us, take it from me.

Love with your heart on your sleeve, you could be the one that makes a difference…

Originally posted May 24, 2008


Related Posts:

Who you are makes a difference

Putting the “I” in Suicide by Persistentillusion


With this post there are rules for comments: NO sympathy, that is all I ask. The reason for no sympathy is for the fact that I am not one bit upset or sad that I got to the edge of the abyss, instead I am grateful, it taught me many things, it made me live more, breathe more, love more, be me more… and love me for me 😀


56 thoughts on “The story of how I almost killed myself and why I am happy I didn’t…

  1. I have been volunteering in ministry to youth for a few years now, and I have heard more than a couple of suicide threats in that time. I have also worked with teens (12-14 year old–a very tough time in life) who are cutting, using drugs, sexually promiscuous, etc. Many of these are for the sake of getting attention, but there is one thing I have never done, and that is to assume that it is the case. You absolutely must approach these threats and actions with, unfortunately, the worst in mind. Because if you are mistaken….

    As you infer in your post, Who you are makes a difference, no life is a waste, no life is insignificant, no life is worthless.

    One more comment (not sympathy): I am so very blessed that you made the choice to live. Thank you!

  2. Thanks Robert, that means a lot it really does 🙂

    Kids self abusing is on the rise, either because they see their peers do it or it makes them feel better by punishing themselves, hurting themselves – either way there is a psychological issue at play that needs to be looked at. I agree that perhaps at times it is looking for attention, but why are they looking?

    In the school hostel I stayed in, on one of the days it was really hot, 45 degrees Celsius and one of my room mates pushed up her sleeves forgetting that they were cut like mini ribbons. She hid it so well that I had had no idea. I eased her into talking to me and eventually it came out that she felt worthless to her mother because she had remarried and promptly shipped off to boarding school – there are a tirade of reasons… it is one of the reasons why it is so scary, as you say you never know, but the once certainty is that there is a reason for everything.

    Thanks again for your kind words and also for all the work you do, volunteering and helping. What you do definitely does make a difference even when it doesn’t seem like it! Thanks for being you!

  3. I won’t offer you sympathy, for obviously you have grown far beyond the girl with the stomach full of whiskey and hand full of pills. Instead I will offer you the knowledge that I too have been in a similar place, and been blessed to be taught that while I cannot control the world and may be subjected to unmanageable circumstances, I can always control myself, which is what truly matters. I can make the world brighter, I can offer love, I can live a life of worthiness.

  4. Lindsey, you’ve hit the nail on the head, it is us that control our destiny and who we take along for the road – not anyone else, sometimes a hard lesson to learn but one I am glad I did.

    Here’s to making the world brighter, offering love and living life because we deserve it! I love that motto! Thanks you going to keep that one close 🙂

    The reason for no sympathy is for the fact that I am not sad or upset that all of that happened, instead I am grateful for I now live life fully.

  5. I had come on line to post a comment about how my heart is so broken and I feel so alone that I can hardly breathe. I am overwhelmed with despair and feel like nobody notices or gives a **** I am alive. I live knowing the person I love chooses to spend her time with another person.
    Reading your story will allow me to make it through this day, thank you.

  6. Nivek, I am eternally grateful that my story did that for you, am glad you reached out, dark days are the scariest. Know it sounds corny but am sending you a hug… Aud

  7. I am proud of you for what you have achieved (since the low days). It is so wonderful that you are sharing your life now with the world – you don’t know whose door you might open with your life story, unlocking them from their own prison of grief….

  8. That is amazing that you sent the text and that therapist responded so well. I’ve learned never to take it lightly after dating a suicidal partner and realizing how best to support her though the balance between that and taking care of myself was hard. The only fear I have right now with the idea of loving with my heart on my sleeve is that sometimes I simply just send to much- specifically to my partner. In her current state she sometimes finds it comforting and sometimes finds it claustrophobic, though she is still working through her issues both for herself and in terms of the relationship.

    Everything Will Be Alright – A Journey Through Couples Therapy

  9. Spillay – thank you for your kind words, I do seem to be picking up speed re sharing my life. Everything happens for a reason and there is a lot that has happened in my life that I can share – I look at the past with love.

    Symbolicgodzilla – As you may know there are other things at play which mean that the fine line is non existent, there are no clear boundaries, all that you can know is that you love that person and that you are standing by them, trying to help them. The link you attached is faulty, can you give it to me again? By the heading I gather that you both are in therapy, I am grateful for that. Hang in there! *hugs*

    Hayden, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I am still speechless from your post, it is beautiful, you are beautiful! *hugs*

    Vishesh – the trick is to listen with open ears and an open heart

  10. Sanity – I think therapy is the best thing has ever happened to us though it still looks like it is going to be a challenging road. We’ve helped each other through a lot of our own personal issues in this regard and now it is more can we help this concept of an “us” I guess. While it helps in the darkest times that you describe, maybe that sort of supportive love can help with other things as well?

    Everything Will Be Alright – A Journey Through Couples Therapy

  11. Symbolicgodzilla I couldn’t agree more, love that is supportive and doesn’t break you down can build you up, encourage you and allow you to soar beyond new heights. No matter what happens in life, if you have that kind of love I feel that things can be overcome. It is why interpersonal relationships are so more important than what a lot of people believe. A simple act of kindness can save some ones life or make their bad day that much brighter…

  12. Hey Sanity, thanks for this post. I feel so close to you now after reading the description of your suicide. It is so similar to mine – about 26 years ago. I can also so much relate to the feelings you are describing. With one small addition: beside all the feelings and reasons you are describing, I was also very much interested in what lies beyond the death, so very much that I wanted to use the opportunity ( 😉 ) to have a look at it.
    It is interesting to feel how the fact that somebody over there actually tried to commit a suicide out of the similar reasons as I did instantaneously makes me feel deeply connected to this person. As if we know the part of the darkness that not everybody knows.

  13. Robert, that never crossed my mind I just thought “somebody get me out of here and quick take me back to mars” – but an interesting thought.

    I think the most astounding thing is just how many of us have thought about it, and in some cases gotten to the second stage with the true sadness being just how many people have accomplished it.

    There are different levels of feeling emotion, some feel it more intensely than the next perhaps due to the circumstances or the number of leading up factors. What we don’t realise is that even the depth is more common than we think – especially in those dark times, those are the times when we felt most alien and alone – it makes us smile when we look back on it now, knowing what we know today, that we aren’t and weren’t alone in the dark tormentuous moments that we have had.

    Thank you for sharing, I to feel connected 🙂

  14. just remember you are not alone in this world – and there are alot of people that read your stories and feel the same or gone through the same maybe not all you went through but also were where you were – more people that we realise we the ones understand the why’s and why not’s.
    you are loved – that’s the thing to remember
    you make a difference in peoples lives – remember that
    go on with what you doin

  15. Dankie sis, I know and understand what you are saying. I am incredibly grateful to have you in my life – go find that Celine Dion song I posted 😉

    You to make a difference in peoples lives, especially mine for that I thank you *hugs*

  16. Dang you’re fast! It’s all about sharing and living, appreciating who we are and loving ourselves for just that, who we are. There is no perfection in this world, people allude to it but they are only covering up for their perceived imperfections. There is rather perfection in imperfection for it means we are human.

  17. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I offer no sympathy, as requested, only gratitude that you’re still here! I’m happy for YOU that you’re still here, too, because you still have so much ahead of you! 🙂

  18. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly.

    The therapist you contacted DOES care. Sure, you pay her, but she went into the field because she wanted to help people. If it was all about the money she’d work for a corporation and not in the demanding MFCC area.

  19. Thanks Ilegirl, how true – they have to want to help people in the first place to study psychology, sure there are some that you will just not get along with but the trick is to find someone who you do. Therapists are human, they have personalities, I also chose her for her speciality, I think that is also important 🙂
    Thanks again 🙂

  20. The power of your words overwhelms me. And, no, I will not offer sympathy, for I understand what you say of being grateful for what you have learned as a result; every lessons is intended and purposeful, even the most devastating ones. I have not been as close as your journey to the abyss, but I have thought it several times; I have wanted to disappear and be no more. However, I am so grateful now to have been that far to the bottom, so that I can more fully appreciate my journey beyond it. And, I can attest to the fact that therapists care, beyond what we get compensated for; I am a therapist, have been for years, and my love for humanity and need to assist is what keeps me doing it, and answering my phone many times in the night…………. Auds, you are a total inspiration and testament that life does get better, gets joyful, and becomes a pleasure to live………..many hugs and love to you, my friend……V.

  21. Robert: I am a former cutter, and I cut for two reasons. Primarily, it was the only way of dealing with emotional stress that I had left. My abusive mother forbid me from making noise (screaming, crying, punching things all out) or if she was angry at me calling friends or leaving the house (any contact with human beings, gone). So, that left cutting; it was the only thing I could do to relieve those emotions that didn’t get me in trouble.

    Also, it absolutely was for attention. I was abused, miserable, desperate, and needed help. I wanted someone to see my cuts and care enough to talk to me about them, to confront my mother, to do something. Of course, no one did.

    I hate how people say it’s “for attention,” when it really is so much more than that. If you want people to look at you, you dye your hair blue. If you want someone to pay attention to you as a human being and realize that maybe things aren’t wonderful, you reach out any way you can.

  22. Ashley, although your comment wasn’t directed at me I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your thoughts and your perspective, there is always more to it than just looking for attention I agree for I have been there to as you can see. I admire your strength to talk and be so open about it, many can learn from you. Thank you again for commenting, I hope to see you around more. Aud

  23. I hit rock bottom whilst away at University when I was about 23. I remember laying in bed for 3 days and not eatig or drinking or going into University and no one calling to see why or if I was ok. Even the people I shared house with didnt come it to check I was ok.

    I was going over and over in my head the pros and cons for suicide. Eventually I managed to find the courage to end my life and mentally committed myself to the act. Now for me mental commitment is everything. Once I have decided to do something I can do it. The hard thing is making the choice in the first place.

    Amazingly, the second I decided to kill myself, I felt better. I had let go of everything that was weighing me down. Since I was about to die, nothing had any hold over me any more. None of the things that were worrying me could touch me now. Finances, love, success, money, nothing mattered now, for in a few minutes I would be dead and free of it all. So this is what true freedom feels like. It really doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of me now – wow this is great. If only I could feel like this every day, life would be great.

    But alas, I only felt like this because I was just about to die. When I thought about pulling back from the brink and not killing myself, all my demons were there lurking, waiting for me still. So no I really had to do it and now. But hang on there it is again, as soon as I choose to die I feel free. I had breached that wall of fear surrounding my own annihilation and faced my own death and it made me feel free but when I thought about changing my mind I felt trapped and hopeless again.

    Then it hit me. Ok I might be about to die, but hang on, I’m still alive right now and I feel good. I was free to come back to the hole I had just made in the wall whenever I chose to and I could die whenever I wanted. So rather than deciding not to kill myself I decided to kill myself, but to live one day at a time. Each morning I would affirm that I was free to commit suicide tonight and today I would live like nothing mattered for tonight I will die.

    It worked, I felt light and free and my life changed. I began to rebuild.

    I think what I had done without realising it was that I taken back control of my life. Although I didn’t realise it then, what I was doing by waiting till tonight to die was actually actively choosing to live each morning. I hadn’t realised before that living was a choice. Once I took responsibility for that choice I was free to choose to let all the other negative beliefs that I didn’t want, go.

    Whilst this approach served me well as a survival mechanism for many years, it also imposed its own limitations which became apparent a few years ago and prompted my current break down (break down being a very positive thing of course 😉 ) but that’s another story.

    So no sympathy here babe, just respect that your still choosing to work at it every day with the rest of us. Thanks for being you and sharing your story.

    Love V

  24. Hey Visionary, thanks for this one, when reading your account I too remembered that what got me going for next couple of years after the attempt was the awareness that I was able to end my life anytime, no problem, and this feeling of being free from the cage of life got me enough air to breathe and explore it a bit further, day by day… It is amazing how our stories are actually similar in crucial points. And yes, mental commitment was everything, as you say. Great, thanks.

  25. V thanks for sharing your story, what I have come to realise there are two different ways of coping. One is as you described seeing the control that one has on ones life by living with the idea that they can end it any day. Then the other is more emotionally based where by one makes a decision not to end their lives and starts to rebuild their lives.

    Both are similar and yet different, while the one reminds themselves everyday that they can end it the other reminds themselves to live. Neither is wrong as long as they live, because living is the true beauty, breathing in life and smelling the flowers.

    Its one of the hardest roads to be on, go through and move forward from, it is possible no matter what people think, it is possible.

  26. Robert,

    Thanks for pointing that out. I only found my way so I wasnt aware of the other way.

    I would say that your way is ultimately more beneficial than my way becuase it’s based on a more positive affirmation. Mine was based on being ready to cut and run if the going got bad.

    I can’t knock my way as ultimately it kept me alive but I have never really committed myself to my life since because I have never really felt attached to anything.

    I recently had to go through the whole process again because I had reached the limits of my back door living approach. I am now using your method and it feels a whole lot more positive.

    Love V

  27. Ammo life is indeed an option and to opt out not wrong at all apart from the fact of what you’ll be missing out on

    Robert I’ve been meaning to ask you – what would you tell your son if he wanted to commit suicide?

  28. This is a very difficult question, since it means I would be standing on the threshold to the most terrible experience: facing the death of your own child. Therefore I believe I would be totally torn within; emotionally, mentally.. And I cannot be sure about what I would tell him.

    However, I hope I would be able to offer all the empathy, understanding and support that would help him clarify whether he was having troubles coping with certain challenges in life (and perhaps needed help in this regards) or whether he just plainly chose to not be involved in it anymore.

    In the latter case I hope I would be able to respect and support even this choice (as in the case of euthanasia, for instance). However, I know this would be the most horrible choice in my life and probably a big part of me would die as well.

    This is what comes up when I honestly look within for the answer to your question. But it is still purely just theory. I hope this theory will never incarnate.

  29. If I am dead, I can’t know what I am missing out on, so I wont miss it.

    No professional health worker has ever tried to debate the pros and cons of suicide with me because they know they can’t win the argument.

  30. Yes, ammo, I agree, and even more: even if I miss out something, don’t I have the right to choose to miss out things? And missing out a movie that I do not like (even if the rest of the world adores it) is not such a big thing, isn’t it?

  31. Lol @mmo I actually find myself feeling sorry for the person that does debate it with you!

    Robert – thank you, it is always interesting for me to hear it from the parents perspective.

  32. @ @mmonyte – agreed, life is an option but only because we are the first species on the planet to be gifted/cursed with self awareness and thus choice. No other species gets to choose. Every other species is controled by instinct – even the ones that kill themselves before you raise this point – ;).

    Right and wrong are totally subjective so I won’t say that suicide is wrong. I don’t condem anyone for choosing it, I have myself,several times.

    However, the universe is what it is, with or without our understanding or consent. Thus the fact that we are here means we are meant to be here. Choosing to fight against the fact we are here is the battle of the ego against the universe. My suicidal thoughts came from the the sesne of overwhelming smallness felt when I separated myself from the universe and attempted to have things my own way instead of learning acceptance.

    The odds are overwhelmingly stacked against us in this battle especially seeing as the ego is an illusiory construct born of various mental processes.

    So while it isnt wrong to commit suicide, it isn’t why we are here. We are by definition here to live. By choosing death we are fighting life and though we may not understand how or why, we are meant to be here and alive right now.

    My hope is that one day everyone will be crushed by the weight of the universe and will then find peace when they surrender their free will out of choice to a higher power than our ego. Once we have surrendered, suicide is no longer required, though of course you will still be free to choose it.

    Love V

  33. I don’t have depression, I have OCD, but in the midst of an OCD panic attack no one has ever been able to convince me of the simple question of “Why is it ok and not the end of the world?” All that can happen is I make it through and eventually calm down. I don’t know if depression is the same way, though I suspect it is similar and why a good therapist will never argue with you, only work with you.

    Everything Will Be Alright – A Journey Through Couples Therapy

  34. Visionary, very interesting thoughts indeed. However, I have two further questions, not to provoke or argue, but just to open up another perspective:

    1. If the fact that I am here means that I am meant to be here, doesn’t the fact that I am committing a suicide means that I am meant to commit a suicide?

    2. Since we do live as well as die, I doubt weather we are, by definition as you say, only here to live. We are, than, here to live and to die, isn’t it?

    To say that by choosing death we are fighting life sounds to me just the same as saying that by choosing life we are fighting death. Or, to put it in a more clear way, by holding on to life we are running away from death. And some say both are equally important aspects of existence.

    And, last but not least, how can we know that any of the above, be it mine thoughts or yours, are true?

    By the way, I REALLY love your thoughts, they open up stuff for me in many directions.

  35. Symbolic, I don’t have OCD (that I am aware of) but I have been diagnosed with a form of depression. Hearing the words “it ok and not the end of the world” in that dark moment can actually throw you over the edge, not pull you back.

    I guess what they’re trying to say is more that its ok with them that we flip out, that it doesn’t effect how they feel about us, that it won’t change it.

    Thanks for sharing, hang in there!

  36. Robert, a conundrum… I think it all comes down to our culture, belief systems and how we see the world, the bigger picture.

    For me it is more that we are given these challenges in life. We get to low points, we have depression, OCD, or any other form, we have hardships and we are beaten to the ground. They are all challenges that we face and each time they come on our path of life we get to choose. Do we accept the challenge or do we throw our hands up and say “I give up”.

    The truth is that there are no wrong or rights on this topic, there is only that moment in which we find ourselves. That moment that we find ourselves on the edge be it for what ever reason, we can fall forwards in to the abyss or we can claw our way back. It is in that moment that we get to make the biggest decision of our lives.

    Each person is different, each circumstance has different puzzle pieces, how they come together ultimately determines the depth of abyss. As I said, there are no rights and wrongs, there is just that moment.

    Ultimately you chose to step away from that abyss for that I am grateful for it means that I got the chance to know you and have this here conversation with you. You got to bring two amazing kids into this world and share your wisdom with us. I am grateful beyond words for that.

    That goes for everyone who has commented on this post and those who have read but not commented, for those who have written about their experiences and for those who have clawed their way back that I don’t even know yet.

    Each of you bring warmth and wisdom to this world, I am blessed and grateful.

  37. Sanity – What could someone do help you in the dark moments? The most helpful thing I’ve found is to either find the will to surrender to someone else (they talk me through the panic attack) or some form of being held and told I’m okay. I’ve never been very good at supporting my friends with depression because I keep trying to approach it like OCD.

    Thank you for writing this post and for keeping in touch. You have a great blog.

    Everything Will Be Alright – A Journey Through Couples Therapy

  38. Thanks Symbolic 🙂 Each person is different, each circumstance that goes with it like wise. I agree with regards to the panic attacks and yet flashbacks are different. With flashbacks I couldn’t stand anyone coming near me, with panic attacks it was fine… guess it is all based on person to person. A mine field.

    Think I’m going to ask a therapist friend to write about the different ways of coping from the person dealing with it to the people/friends that want to help and support…

    Thanks for all your comments SG, I really appreciate your insight!

  39. Sanity, I can resonate very much with the notion you make about there being only that moment… With every year I live in this life I keep realizing this same thing deeper and deeper; yes, there is only this moment. And from a certain point of view EVERY moment is that crucial, fatal moment, isn’t it?

    I have a hard time reading the fifth paragraph and fall into the beam-me-up-Scotty mode. Hard to take in such beautiful words, but I am doing my best to breathe through.


  40. You make a good point, yes if you look at it like that every single waking moment is then that crucial, fatal moment with the only difference being that for me it is no longer sitting on the edge of the abyss and feeling gravity pull me under.

    At the end of the day we get to choose what we do with those moments, celebrate or devastate…

    Breathe 🙂

  41. Glad that my post did that, its a scary journey. Hang in there with hand, tooth and nails (is that how they say it???) and if you want to chat or need to or just feel like it you know where a I am anytime.

  42. Robert, Im sorry I havent replied to your questions but Ive been AWOL from blogging for a while. I promise I will reply this week.

    LIL – The world is a dangerous place, but here and there, there are friendly creatures hiding in it. Welcome to our friendly creatures hide out X

  43. you are a beautiful person, as i sit here reading this blog it brings tears to my eyes. i cant tell you how many times i wished i would have reached out for help like you did. I think being as low as i was i was blinded by the darkness that sorrounded me. i was too scared to move so thats where i sat untill the darkness was to much for me. feb. 20, 2008 i tried to take my own life and i will never forget those days, or the beautiful people who helped me through my struggle.
    you might have heard this befor but ill say it again…
    thank you for living thank you for caring and thank you for sharing your story. You truly are an angel.

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